You write, "But being comfortable in your body isn’t expensive. That’s a convenient and lucrative lie. It’s not expensive; it’s difficult. It’s extremely difficult to accept yourself. Impossible, even. The only way to get anywhere close to self-acceptance is to earn it, to become someone deserving of it."
This reminded me of a famous exchange from a hundred-year-old children's book: "'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long times, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.' 'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long times. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'" -Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit--who in the story becomes a real rabbit after he has ceased to be a purchased toy.
This is an amazing article! You wrote exactly what has been on my mind lately. I deleted my social media apps 10 days ago and have no intention of going back. My mental health is already so much better and I feel empowered to say no to the consumerism tactics of the world. Your article reminds me of the words of Jesus in the Bible when He reminds His followers that if you try to cling to the things of the world to make your own identity, then you will actually be losing your life. If you get your worth in things and appearance, then you forfeit your soul-(mind, will, emotions) which is your true authentic self.
”Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.“
Luke 17:33 NKJV
”For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?“
Anybody ever seen "Century of the Self" by Adam Curtis? A mind blowing documentary. This shit we have now is an insane version of what started nearly 100 years ago when companies started to market to individuals to try to get them to stand out and buy their identity.
To me the root of this problem can be traced back to materialism, the death of the reality of the spiritual. Our truest identity is spiritual and if that doesn't exist we are groping for something material to fill its place. When God doesn't exist we become gods and creators of our 'selves'.
I only started to find my “true self” again recently, and it didn’t have to do with the Internet, other than pointing me towards trauma-related books, podcasts, and research. I think our authentic selves are fractured and distorted by the performance we give to others—our families, social media, and even platforms like Substack. The journey to find your true self in my experience involves a lot of therapy, sitting with yourself and all the pain and discomfort that brings up, letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us, and eventually emerging as a person ready to be vulnerable and share with communities of our choosing. Other than the cost of therapy and experiences that force reflection and reckoning, there is no price tag on authenticity.
This was really powerful. As someone else said, it hit hard. I'm in my early 30s now and I find it amazing how the marketing has gone from "flawless lashes that look fake", "get the look" to "be your authentic self" I think this is even worse! I hate what social media is doing to girls, too. I only had teen mags to make me think about my appearance. I couldn't imagine the hell of having Tiktok on my phone while also going through the most insecure and vulnerable period of my life.
Love this article! This is why I believe it’s so important everyone spends some introspection time and sit down with themselves to align with their own values, goals and get to know themselves. Social media and marketing can be dangerous. After all, it is quite the opposite of being authentic if you’re going along with someone else’s definition of being authentic (ex. You have to buy this makeup and wear these clothes if you want to be authentic). Keep up the amazing work, Freya!
Very needed commentary. To touch on the contentious trans part of the essay, I can't help but think that the solution is to lower the bar to "pass." It's not 100% of thr demand, but as I understand it, a lot of trans people are interested in surgery just because there are so many benefits to passing over not. If we make a conscious effort to accept people who conform less with traditional gender norms in general, it'll help both trans and cis people.
My heart breaks for those who have sunk thousands of dollars into finding their “true self,” only to discover on the other side that they are still hurting, still struggling, still lost, still isolated—still unsure who they are and where to go next.
Love this! You are who you are in relation to others - mother, daughter, wife, friend, colleague, therapist. Would we bother doing anything worthwhile if there weren't others around to witness, experience, benefit from our actions?
Interesting point about trans being another demographic for companies to sell to - maybe more susceptible to their marketing tactics as they 'find' themselves.
The level of self-absorption never ceases to amaze. Neither does the superficial care for others.
I find it deeply ironic and disturbing that so many "authentic selves" all start to look the same... nothing "authentic" about that. I believe trans folks when they tell us who they are (hell, my soul is fairly androgynous and I'm not a fan of binaries much anyway though I know it's important for others) and I wish we were using this moment to expand what women, men, nonvinary folks look like rather than pushing everyone into tighter boxes. If some trans women want breast implants, sure, lots of women get breast implants (and entirely different topic but I despise parents who give their daughters breat enhancement surgery as like a graduation present, ick). And also, some women enjoy having smaller breasts. Some folks enjoy not having breasts, especially if they've got back pain. I just believe in bodily autonomy, but we don't really have that if we're being sold (coerced) to look one specific way, especially while vulnerable and young and in bodies that are rapidly and disconcertingly changing.
OK, maybe we do need to ban TikTok. Just end it. The kids will have to rant on Facebook like the olds. Maybe we all need to be spending more time with family anyway.
You write, "But being comfortable in your body isn’t expensive. That’s a convenient and lucrative lie. It’s not expensive; it’s difficult. It’s extremely difficult to accept yourself. Impossible, even. The only way to get anywhere close to self-acceptance is to earn it, to become someone deserving of it."
This reminded me of a famous exchange from a hundred-year-old children's book: "'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long times, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.' 'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.' 'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'
'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long times. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'" -Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit--who in the story becomes a real rabbit after he has ceased to be a purchased toy.
This is an amazing article! You wrote exactly what has been on my mind lately. I deleted my social media apps 10 days ago and have no intention of going back. My mental health is already so much better and I feel empowered to say no to the consumerism tactics of the world. Your article reminds me of the words of Jesus in the Bible when He reminds His followers that if you try to cling to the things of the world to make your own identity, then you will actually be losing your life. If you get your worth in things and appearance, then you forfeit your soul-(mind, will, emotions) which is your true authentic self.
”Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.“
Luke 17:33 NKJV
”For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?“
Mark 8:36 NKJV
God bless ❤️
Anybody ever seen "Century of the Self" by Adam Curtis? A mind blowing documentary. This shit we have now is an insane version of what started nearly 100 years ago when companies started to market to individuals to try to get them to stand out and buy their identity.
To me the root of this problem can be traced back to materialism, the death of the reality of the spiritual. Our truest identity is spiritual and if that doesn't exist we are groping for something material to fill its place. When God doesn't exist we become gods and creators of our 'selves'.
Lord have mercy
I only started to find my “true self” again recently, and it didn’t have to do with the Internet, other than pointing me towards trauma-related books, podcasts, and research. I think our authentic selves are fractured and distorted by the performance we give to others—our families, social media, and even platforms like Substack. The journey to find your true self in my experience involves a lot of therapy, sitting with yourself and all the pain and discomfort that brings up, letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us, and eventually emerging as a person ready to be vulnerable and share with communities of our choosing. Other than the cost of therapy and experiences that force reflection and reckoning, there is no price tag on authenticity.
This was really powerful. As someone else said, it hit hard. I'm in my early 30s now and I find it amazing how the marketing has gone from "flawless lashes that look fake", "get the look" to "be your authentic self" I think this is even worse! I hate what social media is doing to girls, too. I only had teen mags to make me think about my appearance. I couldn't imagine the hell of having Tiktok on my phone while also going through the most insecure and vulnerable period of my life.
Fuck, this hit hard. Thanks again for making this girl dad tear up and think deeply.
Love this article! This is why I believe it’s so important everyone spends some introspection time and sit down with themselves to align with their own values, goals and get to know themselves. Social media and marketing can be dangerous. After all, it is quite the opposite of being authentic if you’re going along with someone else’s definition of being authentic (ex. You have to buy this makeup and wear these clothes if you want to be authentic). Keep up the amazing work, Freya!
Very needed commentary. To touch on the contentious trans part of the essay, I can't help but think that the solution is to lower the bar to "pass." It's not 100% of thr demand, but as I understand it, a lot of trans people are interested in surgery just because there are so many benefits to passing over not. If we make a conscious effort to accept people who conform less with traditional gender norms in general, it'll help both trans and cis people.
Our authentic selves can't be found through social media and consumerism.
Not even in a mental health diagnosis as you brilliantly mentioned before.
It's no secret that modernity has made us restless.
We no longer have hobbies and interests. We hardly interact with one another face-to-face.
That's where we develop a sense of authenticity.
It can also be found through the silence, the stillness, the quiet, prayer.
What happened to “natural beauty”?
Even people like Kate Beckensale, who I think is one of the most beautiful women ever, are using surgeries now.
My heart breaks for those who have sunk thousands of dollars into finding their “true self,” only to discover on the other side that they are still hurting, still struggling, still lost, still isolated—still unsure who they are and where to go next.
"I seriously doubt your authentic self consists of the parts of you other people can buy!" 🎯
Love this! You are who you are in relation to others - mother, daughter, wife, friend, colleague, therapist. Would we bother doing anything worthwhile if there weren't others around to witness, experience, benefit from our actions?
Interesting point about trans being another demographic for companies to sell to - maybe more susceptible to their marketing tactics as they 'find' themselves.
The level of self-absorption never ceases to amaze. Neither does the superficial care for others.
Keep up the great writing :)
I find it deeply ironic and disturbing that so many "authentic selves" all start to look the same... nothing "authentic" about that. I believe trans folks when they tell us who they are (hell, my soul is fairly androgynous and I'm not a fan of binaries much anyway though I know it's important for others) and I wish we were using this moment to expand what women, men, nonvinary folks look like rather than pushing everyone into tighter boxes. If some trans women want breast implants, sure, lots of women get breast implants (and entirely different topic but I despise parents who give their daughters breat enhancement surgery as like a graduation present, ick). And also, some women enjoy having smaller breasts. Some folks enjoy not having breasts, especially if they've got back pain. I just believe in bodily autonomy, but we don't really have that if we're being sold (coerced) to look one specific way, especially while vulnerable and young and in bodies that are rapidly and disconcertingly changing.
Funny how the “true way” to find yourself is becoming a lifelong consumer.
You can’t sell free. And there is one tried and true method to find yourself that’s always free… through Christ.
OK, maybe we do need to ban TikTok. Just end it. The kids will have to rant on Facebook like the olds. Maybe we all need to be spending more time with family anyway.