You Can't Buy An "Authentic Self"

There’s a vanity to even thinking there is a self to be found

Screenshot: @ohitsemmarose, TikTok.

Everywhere I look it seems like someone is selling me my authentic self. Through cosmetic surgeries, through therapy, after downloading this app, I can discover who I really am. It’s reached the point where I feel like that’s what being young is now. Coming of age isn’t about fulfilling duties or responsibilities or milestones, it’s a search for one thing: finding your true self. Or, more accurately, buying it.

The beauty industry is a good example. Like this breast enhancement surgeon in Beverly Hills who believes that a “breast makeover is about more than resculpting your figure—it’s about resculpting your confidence with a body that finally resonates with your true self.” Or these surgeons describing a Brazilian Butt Lift—the cosmetic surgery with the highest death rate—as a “life-changing and empowering experience” that’s somehow part of being “Your Most Authentic Self” (Book now on RealSelf.com!) And it isn’t just surgeries, it’s everything—it’s all the beauty marketing girls are growing up with. “Radiate your authentic self” with fake tan! Buy some SELF LOVE EYELASHES to “express your true self”! Try these butt-enlarging gummies to “let your authentic self shine!”

Other industries do it too. The pharmaceutical industry (feel like you again with mental health medication!) The wellness industry (connect with your inner self for €350 a month!) But the worst examples of this marketing always seem to target trans people. I know it’s a sensitive subject but if you find the messaging of the beauty and pharmaceutical industry objectionable, please hear me out: it’s the same. Same industries. Same tactics. But doubling down on this narrative that you need clothes, cosmetics and surgeries to discover who you really are. Beauty brands like Dove tell us how hair and beauty routines help form trans people’s identities. Surgeons urge trans people to embrace their true selves with gender reassignment surgery. Maybelline teaches trans people how to find their true selves through make-up. Even FaceTune, the editing app used to distort your face and body, lets trans women see their true selves. And so all over the internet trans people are sharing how much effort it takes to be authentic, how expensive it is, how they had to get 10 Hours Of Transgender Facial Surgery to reflect who they really are (of course part of an online series called Get Real).

@zayaperysianHow much did yall guess the cost was?😭 #trans #bottomsurgery #mtf

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Maybe I’m cynical but I think this is why more and more trans people are being sponsored by beauty brands and on the front of fashion magazines. Not because these companies care about inclusivity. But because it expands their customer base (“I'm embracing my true self using these incredible Mac products!”) And I’m sure it’s so painful to feel that misaligned with who you are. But does that mean companies should get away with marketing like “as you get one step closer to living as your most authentic self, there are a few things to keep in mind as you prepare for your transgender breast augmentation”? In a way that’s worse! I think that’s manipulating vulnerable people. I think it’s obscene to convince someone who is suffering that it costs this much, financially and emotionally, to be their true selves. And that we should be very wary of teaching the next generation that their identity is something to be bought. Like this 30 second trailer to becoming your true self on TikTok, which is essentially just a dad giving his trans child new clothes and a wig and some make-up (The word trailer is also interesting here. Our lives are adverts.)

@jonathanjoly30 second trailer to becoming your true self #sacconejolys #trans #lgbtq #30secondtrailer

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The funny thing is it seems to be those on the left who have really fallen for this marketing strategy. I’m not the first to notice the irony of those who are often anti-capitalist being simultaneously convinced they can buy an authentic self. Or of those who are sceptical of billionaires and big corporations seeming to believe that Maybelline and Pfizer actually care. And sometimes deriving their entire identity and sense of self from what these industries sell them.

My guess is that Gen Z often fall for it because we grew up with social media. Nobody is authentic online. You can’t be. Authentic means genuine; it means sincere; it means the opposite of the performance and pretence and constant curation that these platforms demand. Anyone who says they are being authentic online is lying. Anyone saying they can sell you your authentic self is lying. But that sort of marketing speaks to us because so many of us have lost touch with our true selves. Of course we don’t feel aligned. Gen Z is trapped in this constant struggle between curating an artificial self online and then grappling to rediscover an authentic one offline.

To be honest I’m not convinced there’s even such thing as a self without other people—let alone an authentic one. There’s a vanity to even thinking there is a self to be found. We are our relationships with others. If you were left alone with all your products and clothes and aesthetic enhancements and never spoke to another person, you would not be your true self. You’d be nothing. And I think this is why when people make finding themselves their ultimate goal, especially at the expense of others, they actually end up losing themselves, derailing their lives or becoming more confused than before. The belief that life is a constant search to find yourself is a corrupting one.

I think if a true self exists it is the version of you outside the market. Stripped of all your products and procedures. Of course we all to some extent rely on what we buy to express ourselves. But don’t let your identity depend on it. I seriously doubt your authentic self consists of the parts of you other people can buy! And I want girls getting hitched to this conveyor belt of products and services and procedures to consider: who are you without them? Take away what you wear and what you buy and what you consume. What’s left? What are your values? What do you stand for? Because I’m pretty sure back in the day when people described someone as being true to themselves, as authentic, they spoke of character. Decency of character. Someone who lived a life in line with their values; whose actions aligned with their words; who did the right thing without deceit. Now we’ve convinced a generation that their authentic self is the personality they built out of products or the self-esteem they borrowed from surgeries.

But being comfortable in your body isn’t expensive. That’s a convenient and lucrative lie. It’s not expensive; it’s difficult. It’s extremely difficult to accept yourself. Impossible, even. The only way to get anywhere close to self-acceptance is to earn it, to become someone deserving of it. To put ego aside and focus on feeling aligned internally rather than externally. Of course people are struggling with all kinds of insecurities and anxieties and identity issues which make that more difficult, and I sympathise with that. But still. My very strong gut feeling is you will not find your true self through that Gofundme for your face. Or that Maybelline makeup is in any way what “makes you your most authentic self”.

So please. Stop selling me my true self. Stop selling me my true self for half a second and maybe I’ll a stand a chance at actually finding it. Sorry but it frustrates me—it frustrates me because I don’t just think it’s cringy marketing; I think it’s a dangerous message and actually psychologically damaging to convince a generation that they can purchase their way to feeling comfortable with themselves. Or that that’s what they should orient their life around. Think about what a marketing strategy that is! You can’t find yourself through consumerism! I hate how they found a way to sell my generation an ersatz version of everything that used to be free—community; friendship; falling in love; even a moment of peace. And now they’ve found a way to sell us self-love and authenticity.

You are more than products you buy. Than the stuff you consume. Than your identity label that conveniently comes with a shopping list (A Shopping Guide for Trans Kids!). Don’t let companies convince you that’s all you are. I bet they are the most boring and predictable things about you. And beneath all that, that’s the real you. You are how you act. You are how loyal you are, how humble, how self-absorbed, how self-righteous. You are how you treat people when you’re stressed or short of time. How you treat people when there’s nothing in it for you. How often you complain to others versus thank them. How often you think about your own needs and wants versus those around you. Sorry to say it but you are your vanity; your jealousy; all those ugly and real parts of you. And that person doesn’t change no matter how many products you put on or aesthetic goals you fulfil. Your authentic self only reveals itself, only re-aligns, when you face up to all this honestly, and try to be better. Privately. Sincerely. Ruthlessly.

So stop trying to live your truth and start trying to live your values. Stop trying to be your true self and start being true to people. Have some humility. Don’t devote your life to discovering your authentic self. Devote it to being as honest and authentic as you can, in your actions and toward other people. Then you might actually find yourself.

An edited version of this article was originally published in Quillette.