Young women today have unrealistically high standards. When I speak to conservative young men about dating, this is something I often hear.
There is some truth to this. Online, women often share rules and checklists for future partners. In one viral post, viewed over 28 million times, a woman says that her ideal man is over six feet, earns more than $130,000 a year, has an IQ above 120, and is preferably Ivy League–educated and from old money. Other women won’t tolerate anything less than “princess treatment,” from having Ubers sent to pick them up for first dates to getting their pedicures paid for. Many describe getting “the ick,” a sudden feeling of disgust, after men do anything from tying their shoes to sneezing. No man ever seems good enough.
What that doesn’t mean, though, is that young women shouldn’t have any standards. Some are very important, particularly when it comes to a man’s character. One standard that is valid is not wanting your partner to watch pornography.
Yet some conservatives act as if this is also unrealistic. Talk about not wanting a partner to watch porn, and they become defensive. Suddenly you are dismissed as a liberal feminist, or accused of pathologizing male sexuality. Of course there are conservatives who take porn seriously, from Christian activists who have been warning about it for years to Republicans pushing for bans to younger writers desperate for older men to understand the destruction it causes. But others see any objection to porn as just another unrealistic expectation from women, another example of feminist nagging.
But this is not a superficial expectation, nor an irrational “ick.” This is something men can change, and a standard any man can meet. There are completely valid reasons for not wanting to be vulnerable with, or make sacrifices for, a partner who is secretly lusting after other women and has a habit associated with lower relationship satisfaction and a higher likelihood of infidelity.
So why do some conservatives defend porn?
This is an excerpt from my latest piece in First Things. You can read the rest here!
You didn’t mention the element of violence and kink (e.g. strangulation) that is learned from porn’s need to escalate and exoticize the stimulus to keep recharging the response
Very true. It could be said that the excessive and odd sexualization from porn (and of all media in general) has contributed to the self-image crisis, eating disorders, and body dysmorphia. It’s far better to recognize that our bodies are a gift and have a purpose, even if we feel they are not why they could be. This is a call to fellowship, gentleness, and virtue, really. We should all want to be virtuous people, whether we’re married or not.