I'm sorry, but I think we are missing the point. Women will feel pressure from every direction, always, whether we are single or in a relationship.
Here is my personal take: I am a 30-year-old woman from a small town in Sweden who has yet to find my person. I have done the opposite of settling down so far. I chose a life in a big city, to chase the dream career I now have, and I receive immense support from my friends and family for that. But that is as an individual. As a woman, however, I am constantly told something else. I am told through my rent for my one-room apartment that there should be someone paying it with me. I am told the same thing if I want to buy an apartment or a house. I am told by politicians that the fertility crisis needs to be solved by any means necessary. I am told by TV commercials that if I show a recent positive pregnancy test, I can get 50 percent off. I am told, as New Year’s approaches, to worry that couples will not invite me as just me. I am told through my Instagram feed that the only milestones worth celebrating are buying a house, getting pregnant, and/or getting married.
Had I settled down earlier, had I found someone to love and partner up with... my personal take would be different, but still I would be told that I live my life wrong. The pressure we feel is deeply individual.
We should not add even more pressure on each other about how to live or not live as women. There will always be someone who believes you are doing life wrong.
Single women are told we’re missing out, running out of time, or pretending we’re happy. Women in relationships are told they settled too early, lost their independence, or should walk away the minute things get difficult. Both experiences come with expectations attached. Both come with judgment. Both come with people assuming they know what we really want.
There is no version of womanhood that avoids criticism, so instead of telling each other which life is better, we should acknowledge that different women thrive in different circumstances, and that having choices is the entire point.
The entire point of her piece was this, how women going forward should put more "pressure" on being loving, kind, uplifting and supportive of each other's choices. I'm sorry you missed the point, or didn't have the attention span to get to the last paragraph idk
When I wrote “we are missing the point,” I wasn’t saying Freya missed the point. I meant we, as in the broader conversation around womanhood. I was responding to the way these topics often become framed as “one pressure is real and the other is not,” when in reality both are true for different women.
My intention was to say that we shouldn’t pressure women in either direction. I was saying both sides are happening, and we should uplift each other’s realities instead of ranking them.
Your apartment costs what it costs because of market demand. No Swedish politicians are forcing you to have children by “any means necessary” so let’s be honest here.
Getting married would help you financially! Just stating the obvious. Single people build wealth slower than a married couple that can pool resources.
I wish you a joyful life-long marriage and family life. I’m sure you desire these things but act as if you don’t. All the best to you in Sweden 🇸🇪
yea, i thought about how the pressure goes both ways. i liked this piece, but the pressure to be single seems to last into your 20s. then you're in your 30s and there's pressure to marry and build a family.
nuance is very important here. like, yes, discover yourself, but don't shut people out. figure out your commitments, but don't lose yourself. you could argue men avoid commitment these days with certain dating practices, too.
Single people pay with one salary on the same square meter that a couple with two salaries do, so no matter the market demand it is still cheaper to live with someone else.
I never said the Swedish politicians are forcing me to do anything. They are encouraging, and make sure to guilt-trip the women in their messaging.
I am doing financially great on my own, thank you for your concern. Even if/when I do find my person I am still not certain I will want to get married. I live in Sweden where marriage is no longer the norm as it is more tied to religion and social construct than it is to love and commitment.
Now, about your statement that there’s no direct pressure on me to get married… how about you simply read your own message again and see the contradiction
Swedish women have been a disaster for their country.
They are the ones who rejected natalism and then pressured the government to deal with the population crisis by opening the borders to allow millions of unvetted, unskilled, and mostly hostile Third World combat-age males to invade. The result is that Sweden is now covered with No Go Zones populated by deadbeats who have no interest in integrating and living productive lives. From what I have read, Sweden is now the most dangerous nation in Europe for women.
Dude, you’re projecting quite a lot onto me that doesn’t reflect anything I actually wrote. Although, you are proving my entire point as you in your words frame women as the root of societal collapse.
Let me understand, in Sweden for single men are rents cheaper? Your comment confirms 100% the point of the article, and it seems to me that you know it perfectly, just pretending the opposite becuase, yes, the real pressure you feel is to live your life as it is, but... you don't like it.
Single men and single women both struggle with this economic pressure, it has nothing to do with gender. Society encourages a coupled life in an economic aspect is what I am saying.
Just because I struggle at some parts of my life doesn’t mean it’s not a life I like?
No the pressure I feel is to not live as I am, just like women in relationships feel pressure to go single.
No matter what women choose for our lives we choose one we are not supposed to like… that is my point.
I’ve spent years observing the marriages around me—parents, relatives, friends, people I care about deeply. And I’ve often wondered: how often does marriage actually increase happiness, rather than simply maintain stability?
There are clear social, cultural, and historical reasons marriage has endured. But it feels worth asking whether those reasons always justify the personal cost—especially when that cost includes emotional suffocation or the gradual loss of self.
What if the issue is not commitment, but rigidity?
Perhaps marriage needs to be reimagined—not rejected, but expanded. One model cannot possibly fit the diversity of human temperaments, rhythms, and needs.
Why shouldn’t the following all be legitimate options?
Same home, same bedroom
Same home, different bedrooms
One couple, two homes
One couple, two cities
Lifelong companionship without marriage
Children, in my view, do not require marriage to thrive. They require emotionally healthy adults and a safe, consistent environment where care and presence are real.
After decades of living and reflecting, I’ve come to a simple conclusion:
Not everyone is meant to be an electrician.
Not everyone is meant to be a priest.
Not everyone is meant to be a politician.
And not everyone is meant to be married.
Marriage, as a single compulsory script, may be asking too much of too many people.
It is time to reimagine marriage with room for personalization.
And we do not have to be priests or nuns to choose celibacy.
It, too, can be a valid path—temporary, seasonal, or lifelong.
Kind of depressing that the most-liked comment on such a fine and thoughtful article is this kind of whining imagined victimhood and refusal of responsibility.
I take full responsibility for the life I’m living. I’m responsible for being single, for the money I earn and spend, for where I live, and for the choices I make every day. I’m not a victim of my life, and I’m not asking anyone to see me as one. The examples I listed were messages and cultural cues I’ve encountered as a woman, not things I blame anyone for or expect anyone else to fix. Pointing those things out does not erase my agency, it reinforces it. I can be fully responsible for my life and still recognize the cultural pressures that exist around it. Many women related to what I wrote not because they see themselves as victims, but because they recognize the double standards and constant commentary that shape our experiences. Acknowledging something isn’t the same as being defined by it. If anything, it’s the opposite.
I won't lie, I can't relate to this article at all. I'm currently 26 and have felt consistent pressure since I was a teenager to be in a relationship. I should note that I have consistently resisted that pressure (I would rather make my own choices), but I have always felt it. In high school, being in a relationship was considered a status symbol amongst the girls, and one's "worth" was defined by the men who were pursuing them or the men they had dated. It was a strange social hierarchy/currency amongst those who were considered "popular." Beyond that, I felt family pressure too. There's definitely an attitude of "don't wait too long to have kids or you'll regret it. You should probably hurry up and find the right person soon." Body clock anxiety is definitely real. And your point about parents was interesting...the only parents I've witnessed encouraging their kids not to commit are boy moms with an unhealthy attachment to their sons. I can't say any of my female friends have felt pressure to be single either. More like a pressure to have it all together -- the career, the salary, the body, the life, the right man, and the kids all at the right time with a Pinterest-worthy home. Perhaps it's a generational thing, or perhaps it has to do with geography -- who knows! Given the way the tide is changing, and I think given my own personal growth, I don't feel the pressure to commit now. Or stay committed to the wrong person. But I also don't feel the pressure to be single. The pressure to engage in hook up culture and low commitment interactions with the opposite sex? Sure. But not to be single. For me personally, hook up culture doesn't interest me -- I just feel empowered to find my person when the time is right. I'm excited for when they come into my life. But for now, I'm just enjoying showing up for myself and my community. I'm enjoying being single and healing my relationship with myself. I think I'll end up having more to offer someone else :) Interesting to hear your perspective.
Edit: I recently ended a long term relationship and it took a lot of courage. I absolutely see the value in relationships, but I think sometimes women need to learn how to choose themselves too. I think that can look different to everybody at different times in their life. Maybe for someone who struggles with commitment, committing to the guy who treats them right IS choosing themselves. But, regardless, I think women face the problem of never doing it “right.” That’s why all you can do is decide what’s right for you.
I completely agree. I think there’s different forms of growth available when you’re single and when you’re in a relationship. Both are incredibly important. I don’t mean to argue that growth stops after marriage at all. I look forward to hopefully having the opportunity to grow within a marriage someday!
"But, regardless, I think women face the problem of never doing it “right.” "
It's completely the opposite. Society praises everything a woman does or decides to do, women always do it right, while men are the evil just for being men. It's all a movie in your heads or, better said, a self fullfilling prophecy of yours.
I hear your pain and I’m very sorry. I agree that there is a vilification of men at times and I don’t see that as productive or right. I’m very lucky to have some amazing men in my life. But, I think both things can be true — men are often vilified, and women are under a tremendous amount of pressure in various directions. I think it would be great if we could all learn to have some compassion and learn to work together and lift each other up.
Men are not vilified "at times" _ they are vilified constantly across all cultures and the psychological phenomenon underlying this is very well established.
There is no "real you" buried deep inside, waiting for you to self-actualize so that it can emerge. That's a lie. You are already you, right now. You will change over time as you enter new relationships and have new experiences, but it will always be you doing it. You don't need to wait to discover your "true self" before you marry; you are your true self now.
Also, you can't "keep your options open" indefinitely by refusing to commit, because options tend to expire over time. Refusing to commit may feel like keeping your freedom in the short term, but it commits you to a certain kind of life, too.
I love how clearly you name the cultural pressure, but what I keep returning to in my own life and in the women I work with is that so much of this isn’t about dating or marriage at all. It’s about what our nervous systems learned to fear. Some of us fear being alone, others fear being held. Some of us were raised to collapse inside commitment, others to disappear inside “freedom.”
What I see today is less a pressure to be single or coupled, and more a pressure to perform a certain version of “strength.” The independent woman who never needs anybody. The endlessly self-actualising woman who must fix every wound before she’s allowed to love. Both are costumes. Both are exhausting.
Real intimacy is not the enemy; premature obligation isn’t either. What actually destroys us is living out of alignment with our own timing; choosing from fear instead of from the body. Commitment can be liberation, solitude can be liberation. It all depends on whether the choice is emerging from self-trust or self-protection.
For me, the work isn’t to argue one pressure over the other. It’s to come back to the truth that we find ourselves through connection and through solitude — and that neither has to be sacrificed if we’re anchored in who we are.
I suppose you need to value yourself to be valued, to know what you want and probably deserve, and then to reciprocate. I expect we are also more risk averse, scarred by our parents' experiences and attracted by the ideal relationship being out there somewhere. Commitment is risky, so is independence.
I’ve been working with women for over a decade in childbirth. I don’t have children of my own. I’m not old but I’m not young anymore. I see how mothers are treated less than and I also see women who are childless (but very much wanted a child but for various reasons couldn’t have one) and both groups of women are displaced and made to be an outsider. What I feel in your writing is how there is a conscious attempt to erase womanhood. There is no space for women to take up because our culture has diminished it. Somehow we have turned women into little men and it’s confusing and left many to feel ambivalent about dating, having children, etc etc. I write about this ad nauseum on my substack called motherlands in case anyone wants to continue more honest conversation.
To both your points, which I do appreciate and support, Alison Armstrong has studied men and women for many years and actually calls out women for treating men as "hairy women." Meaning, naturally talking to them in "women-speak" and expecting a "woman" answer/response and when they don't it they speak down to men calling them defective. Today, Alison is a huge supporter of how to effectively communicate between the sexes. Her graduate research started in 1991 and she thought it would take her three months to complete (she laughs at herself today when she looks back). I feel very strongly, now that I'm 56, that society is really great a teaching people how to be independent and successful with a career, but has zero education on how to really navigate relationships, family and parenting.
To Keely's point, Louis Perry just released a podcast episode where she interviewed an economist. One key point they made together is that society is becoming less and less "family friendly". They gave examples such as space for strollers on public transportation. I can point to many things my wife and I ran into raising three kids who were all born within 3.5 years such as car seats, vehicles, hotels, and the list goes one. I believe Keely's seeing the same effect that society is not being family friendly, just at a different stage/season than most of us.
Great points from both of you. Thanks for sharing.
I really love Alison Armstrongs work - she is incredibly kind in her approach and humanizes the experience of relating to both men and women. And I also appreciate you seeing my point. I think modern culture in general is becoming increasingly hostile to human life in general but is affecting women and families squarely at this point in time. We are becoming intolerant to the very things that make us human and imperfect, hence why it’s so hard for people to form meaningful connections and relationships.
>I think modern culture in general is becoming increasingly hostile to human life in general but is affecting women and families squarely at this point in time.
This is a sad reminder that the Sisterhood of Eternal Victimhood never sleeps.
Consider this, according to our best intel, Ukraine has lost 1.5 to 2 million men KIA. The USA had 400K KIA in total in WW II.
What did Hillary say about women being the most affected by war?
Recently one of the MSM rags did a big story on the Kiev nightclub scene, digging deep into how women are dealing with the lack of men to buy them drinks and on top of that amputees just give them an "ick".
Great points. I'd add to intolerant, selfishness. Being a parent/family is a huge, selfless act that is now ridiculed as reckless. Thank you Keely for providing a glimmer of hope.
The sex differences are split across age brackets. Young boys are the ones treated like defective girls, whereas old women are treated like defective men.
Although considering that so much of what men are judged for is what they have done with their lives, the growing number of NEETs resulting from being treated as defective girls by the idiot school system does suggest that this is not the sort of thing that works out in men's favour in later life. Maybe for some, but not all.
Great post. I agree. Even in my generation (young millennial) we were constantly told that we had time or to wait. It was looked down upon not to be single in your early 20’s
Agree re Gen X. It was absolutely forbidden in my female friend groups to feel that we were unhappy being single into our 30s. When people coupled up, the women pretended to have to be dragged kicking and screaming into relationships. We all pretended to be Carrie Bradshaw, and we were all miserable.
This is a wonderfully written article, Freya's wisdom far surpasses her age.
As another Gen Xer I also saw this in my friend group. Don't get married, don't have kids, have a career, find yourself first, all of it can wait! I have so many friends who never had a real relationship other than with their pets, never had kids or real responsibility for anyone...other than their pets, and are now too set in this cycle to incorporate anyone meaningful into their lives. Turns out modeling yourself after Sex in the City, or Eat, Prey, Love was just a path to a selfish and lonely existence.
This reminds me of what Louise Perry wrote in her article, "We Will All Become Boring."
"The Baby Boomers came closest to enjoying both [carefree independence and social support] simultaneously, but [that's] only because they were born during an ideological changing of the guard. They enjoyed the high trust, family-centric culture cultivated by their parents and grandparents, and then got to enjoy the youthful rejection of all of that culture’s downsides.
But that’s a trick that can only be pulled once. ... You cannot promote a culture of optionality, and then also expect people to choose you when you become a dull and onerous option. You cannot buy solitude when it suits you, and then try and buy back company when it does not, because company of the sincere and intimate kind cannot be bought.
[The] Boomers escaped [social obligations] when it suited them to do so, and some of them are still rich enough to find pleasure in what liberal individualism insists is the “true purpose of human life”: that is, their leisure time, free from unwanted social obligations. For these lucky few, there are still just enough migrant workers to provide cheap care, and the state pension is still arriving reliably in their bank accounts every month, courtesy of working age tax payers. In a material sense, they don’t need the traditional family.
Of course this will not be true for future generations, given that the pyramid scheme that is the welfare state is starting to collapse."
I think there's something to this, but it's less pressure to be single than it is pressure "not to settle." That's a subtle distinction, but it's important. There's a presumption on the part of the families and friends of women, particularly educated/successful ones that a man "isn't good enough for you." It goes beyond ordinary protectiveness, and pushes into a subtle sense that a man has to affirmatively prove he's good enough for you. I had my mom ask me whether my husband was "smart enough" for me (he is certainly more accomplished in his field than I am in mine, although our fields are different). I had well meaning women in my life mention that he's not six feet tall, that I could have anyone I wanted, or I could find someone with a less intense schedule. There's pressure not to work around drawbacks, but to find someone who requires no compromise and slots into your life like a new pair of shoes. After generations of expecting women to completely build their lives around men, I think it's more of an overcorrection than anything else, but it's also not at all how life and marriage works.
Thank you for writing this Freya. I often feel ostracised amongst friends because of my desire to get married and start a family. I’m 26 and the only one in a long term relationship. They think it’s bizarre that I’m thinking about marriage and a family at this age, but it’s what I want and have always wanted. I have a friend who married at 24 and had a baby at 26 and they say it is wrong and call her a teenage mother! I am much happier with my partner than I ever was single. I also think a lot of so called feminists look down on women who desire to be mothers.
So sorry to hear you experienced this — that sounds awful. You don’t deserve to be treated that way! I agree that sometimes women are looked down upon for wanting to be mothers over having a career. It makes me sad. We should all be entitled to make our own choices and be made to feel valuable as women. The differences in everyone’s experiences with these relationship pressures is so interesting to me. Thanks for sharing.
“We thought the answer to the failed marriages and broken families and mess we made over the past few decades was less commitment when it was clearly *more*.”
wow. this really made me think. thank you for sharing
My husband recently heard someone describe how marriage has shifted from a “cornerstone” event (that you build your life on) to a “capstone” event (that you only do when you’ve done everything else). I think this is the fundamental issue that you are addressing here—we feel we must do it all before we “settle down.” That pressure is suffocating.
I know it is dangerous and may appear a bit brash as a man to comment on an article written by a woman for women, but my wife and I married at 21 and started our family at 24. Four children and 47 years later I’m 68 with 14 grandchildren and I feel like the king of world. And my superwife feels the same.
It is hard to blend two different people into one partnership, but if you can navigate through the inevitable friction, what comes out on the other side is so worth it.
“Don’t be a slave to a husband and a family” they will tell you. Okay. Be a slave to a career. Or yourself.
You’re going to give yourself to something. Choose wisely.
Human nature tends to swing to extremes. Women used to be told to go to college to get their Mrs., rather than an education. Not marrying by your mid-20s was a problem. We have now gone to the opposite extreme where everything but marriage is important. Meanwhile, women seem lonelier and angrier.
I'm not sure women are lonelier or angrier. My mother and grandmother were definitely angry about not having equal rights and being dependent on often unreliable men, but they didn't have social media to vent to and nobody cared. For the first time in history we're hearing what women really think and what they choose when independence is a viable option. Some will find love and long term commitment to be the path to happiness, but the odds don't seem appealing enough to keep our marriage and birth rates where society needs them. Coercion can look like shame (childless cat lady!) or romance (such a beautiful bride!) but it's not really about women's happiness at all. It's the economy.
Lovely essay. My oldest daughter married in her very early 20's and I have to admit I had mixed feelings about what she might have been missing or giving up. She had many passions including an artistic career and academic interests. In the years since then (she's still not 30) she has absolutely flourished as a wife and stay at home mother. She still engages in creative endeavors, some that pay a little. Her family is far from affluent, but they are stable and her husband hustles and works hard. Even though she is often tired, her joy is immense and radiates from her whenever I see her. She is beautiful, creative, and calm, and her children are adorable.
When I see how my younger children have struggled to find their person, to find their place and their joy, I appreciate that much more my oldest daring to commit. With no urging from anyone.
I was thinking last night about how my wife truly gave me my entire life, and I gave her hers. We also married young. I wouldn't have traded a day of it for chasing dead ends in my 20's. I understand that bliss is not the uniform condition of the married. But individuals have a lot more control than they assume about how that ends up for them. I love what you said about more commitment not less being the lesson to be taken from the failures of our elders. The truth needs to be told, and best by young women, not old guys like me. Thank you Freya for doing your part.
How silly to refer to the pressure to stay single as "violence" and "cruelty." Grow up, Emma. In my religious Jewish culture, there is an opposite pressure on young people to marry early. And today's 22-year-old in general lacks the maturity of a 22 year-old in years past. Today's youth have grown up with seemingly endless choices, which makes it harder to make significant choices committing to marriage, or even grad school. A healthy marriage is the absolute best place for self-actualization, and that is because of the mutual giving involved. The more we focus on ourselves exclusively, the more self-involved we become and the less chance we'll have of being able to make space for others.
This seems like such a false dichotomy, though. Between focus on the self and marriage, that is. There are plenty of ways to build deep, meaningful, mutually giving relationships in our lives that pull us out of the self that do not need to be traditional marriage.
"Marriage is a financial contract between you, another person, and the State," my mother would always say. Making significant commitments surely is hard in today's world, but that need not be solved by a retreat back to the familiarity of marriage unless that is what someone is called to do by their own values, culture, etc.
Freya, I appreciate the counterbalance of your point of view. As a young woman growing up in the 70’s and 80’s I adamantly resisted marriage, despite considerable pressure to marry. At that time, I felt marriage wasn’t a good deal for women.
I’ve recognized that I need to be careful to accept the idea that marriage can be good for some. I don’t want to allow my personal experiences to color my interactions with others in an unfair way. Yes, we need to avoid all extremes.
I do want to challenge your idea that the problem is that people haven’t been willing to commit enough. In my experience, women often give so much that they reach the point of self erasure.
The same might be true for men. I personally haven’t seen as many examples of that, but I am a sample size of only one and can’t speak for the entire culture.
Not committing enough is a problem that can lead to loneliness and shallow relationships. Committing too much can lead to very deleterious consequences too.
The urge to merge runs deep and will never be eliminated. If women have higher standards for marriage now than they had before, I see that as a good development. Women of my generation were so desperate to marry that the consequences were often not good for them or their children. That is very likely why I avoided marriage for as long as I did. I built a career for myself before I married, and I’m very glad I did.
I'm sorry, but I think we are missing the point. Women will feel pressure from every direction, always, whether we are single or in a relationship.
Here is my personal take: I am a 30-year-old woman from a small town in Sweden who has yet to find my person. I have done the opposite of settling down so far. I chose a life in a big city, to chase the dream career I now have, and I receive immense support from my friends and family for that. But that is as an individual. As a woman, however, I am constantly told something else. I am told through my rent for my one-room apartment that there should be someone paying it with me. I am told the same thing if I want to buy an apartment or a house. I am told by politicians that the fertility crisis needs to be solved by any means necessary. I am told by TV commercials that if I show a recent positive pregnancy test, I can get 50 percent off. I am told, as New Year’s approaches, to worry that couples will not invite me as just me. I am told through my Instagram feed that the only milestones worth celebrating are buying a house, getting pregnant, and/or getting married.
Had I settled down earlier, had I found someone to love and partner up with... my personal take would be different, but still I would be told that I live my life wrong. The pressure we feel is deeply individual.
We should not add even more pressure on each other about how to live or not live as women. There will always be someone who believes you are doing life wrong.
Single women are told we’re missing out, running out of time, or pretending we’re happy. Women in relationships are told they settled too early, lost their independence, or should walk away the minute things get difficult. Both experiences come with expectations attached. Both come with judgment. Both come with people assuming they know what we really want.
There is no version of womanhood that avoids criticism, so instead of telling each other which life is better, we should acknowledge that different women thrive in different circumstances, and that having choices is the entire point.
The entire point of her piece was this, how women going forward should put more "pressure" on being loving, kind, uplifting and supportive of each other's choices. I'm sorry you missed the point, or didn't have the attention span to get to the last paragraph idk
When I wrote “we are missing the point,” I wasn’t saying Freya missed the point. I meant we, as in the broader conversation around womanhood. I was responding to the way these topics often become framed as “one pressure is real and the other is not,” when in reality both are true for different women.
My intention was to say that we shouldn’t pressure women in either direction. I was saying both sides are happening, and we should uplift each other’s realities instead of ranking them.
Ahhh, I see!! thank you so much for clarifying. :)
Love this.
There’s no direct pressure on you to get married.
Your apartment costs what it costs because of market demand. No Swedish politicians are forcing you to have children by “any means necessary” so let’s be honest here.
Getting married would help you financially! Just stating the obvious. Single people build wealth slower than a married couple that can pool resources.
I wish you a joyful life-long marriage and family life. I’m sure you desire these things but act as if you don’t. All the best to you in Sweden 🇸🇪
Shush now, you are interfering with her programming by the Sisterhood of Eternal Victimhood.
yea, i thought about how the pressure goes both ways. i liked this piece, but the pressure to be single seems to last into your 20s. then you're in your 30s and there's pressure to marry and build a family.
nuance is very important here. like, yes, discover yourself, but don't shut people out. figure out your commitments, but don't lose yourself. you could argue men avoid commitment these days with certain dating practices, too.
I agree. Women are always told that, no matter what, they are doing things wrong.
Single people pay with one salary on the same square meter that a couple with two salaries do, so no matter the market demand it is still cheaper to live with someone else.
I never said the Swedish politicians are forcing me to do anything. They are encouraging, and make sure to guilt-trip the women in their messaging.
I am doing financially great on my own, thank you for your concern. Even if/when I do find my person I am still not certain I will want to get married. I live in Sweden where marriage is no longer the norm as it is more tied to religion and social construct than it is to love and commitment.
Now, about your statement that there’s no direct pressure on me to get married… how about you simply read your own message again and see the contradiction
Swedish women have been a disaster for their country.
They are the ones who rejected natalism and then pressured the government to deal with the population crisis by opening the borders to allow millions of unvetted, unskilled, and mostly hostile Third World combat-age males to invade. The result is that Sweden is now covered with No Go Zones populated by deadbeats who have no interest in integrating and living productive lives. From what I have read, Sweden is now the most dangerous nation in Europe for women.
https://planetfubar.substack.com/p/are-women-finally-waking-up-to-the
https://planetfubar.substack.com/p/what-is-the-greatest-threat-to-america
https://planetfubar.substack.com/p/how-women-are-impacted-by-mass-immigration
Dude, you’re projecting quite a lot onto me that doesn’t reflect anything I actually wrote. Although, you are proving my entire point as you in your words frame women as the root of societal collapse.
That is the growing consensus today.
Let me understand, in Sweden for single men are rents cheaper? Your comment confirms 100% the point of the article, and it seems to me that you know it perfectly, just pretending the opposite becuase, yes, the real pressure you feel is to live your life as it is, but... you don't like it.
Single men and single women both struggle with this economic pressure, it has nothing to do with gender. Society encourages a coupled life in an economic aspect is what I am saying.
Just because I struggle at some parts of my life doesn’t mean it’s not a life I like?
No the pressure I feel is to not live as I am, just like women in relationships feel pressure to go single.
No matter what women choose for our lives we choose one we are not supposed to like… that is my point.
>No the pressure I feel is to not live as I am, just like women in relationships feel pressure to go single.
Why not just ignore this pressure then?
What is stopping you from doing so? That's how men deal with most unsolicited advice.
Or is it the case, that a part of you feels that that you are truly missing out on an important part of life.
>No matter what women choose for our lives we choose one we are not supposed to like… that is my point.
Boohoohoo, and life is just so much simpler for men.
Swedish individualism and disinterest in marriage is *thankfully* not a universal human condition.
I’ve spent years observing the marriages around me—parents, relatives, friends, people I care about deeply. And I’ve often wondered: how often does marriage actually increase happiness, rather than simply maintain stability?
There are clear social, cultural, and historical reasons marriage has endured. But it feels worth asking whether those reasons always justify the personal cost—especially when that cost includes emotional suffocation or the gradual loss of self.
What if the issue is not commitment, but rigidity?
Perhaps marriage needs to be reimagined—not rejected, but expanded. One model cannot possibly fit the diversity of human temperaments, rhythms, and needs.
Why shouldn’t the following all be legitimate options?
Same home, same bedroom
Same home, different bedrooms
One couple, two homes
One couple, two cities
Lifelong companionship without marriage
Children, in my view, do not require marriage to thrive. They require emotionally healthy adults and a safe, consistent environment where care and presence are real.
After decades of living and reflecting, I’ve come to a simple conclusion:
Not everyone is meant to be an electrician.
Not everyone is meant to be a priest.
Not everyone is meant to be a politician.
And not everyone is meant to be married.
Marriage, as a single compulsory script, may be asking too much of too many people.
It is time to reimagine marriage with room for personalization.
And we do not have to be priests or nuns to choose celibacy.
It, too, can be a valid path—temporary, seasonal, or lifelong.
Thank you
Thank you very much, Ida. I am glad you like my post. I appreciate it. Be well.
Very clever words from a clever man! Take care!
Thank you very much, Ida🙏
Kind of depressing that the most-liked comment on such a fine and thoughtful article is this kind of whining imagined victimhood and refusal of responsibility.
I take full responsibility for the life I’m living. I’m responsible for being single, for the money I earn and spend, for where I live, and for the choices I make every day. I’m not a victim of my life, and I’m not asking anyone to see me as one. The examples I listed were messages and cultural cues I’ve encountered as a woman, not things I blame anyone for or expect anyone else to fix. Pointing those things out does not erase my agency, it reinforces it. I can be fully responsible for my life and still recognize the cultural pressures that exist around it. Many women related to what I wrote not because they see themselves as victims, but because they recognize the double standards and constant commentary that shape our experiences. Acknowledging something isn’t the same as being defined by it. If anything, it’s the opposite.
You go girl. You da super boss. The system can't keep you down. Down with patriarchy! 😂
This is so perfectly written, I have nothing else to add.
I won't lie, I can't relate to this article at all. I'm currently 26 and have felt consistent pressure since I was a teenager to be in a relationship. I should note that I have consistently resisted that pressure (I would rather make my own choices), but I have always felt it. In high school, being in a relationship was considered a status symbol amongst the girls, and one's "worth" was defined by the men who were pursuing them or the men they had dated. It was a strange social hierarchy/currency amongst those who were considered "popular." Beyond that, I felt family pressure too. There's definitely an attitude of "don't wait too long to have kids or you'll regret it. You should probably hurry up and find the right person soon." Body clock anxiety is definitely real. And your point about parents was interesting...the only parents I've witnessed encouraging their kids not to commit are boy moms with an unhealthy attachment to their sons. I can't say any of my female friends have felt pressure to be single either. More like a pressure to have it all together -- the career, the salary, the body, the life, the right man, and the kids all at the right time with a Pinterest-worthy home. Perhaps it's a generational thing, or perhaps it has to do with geography -- who knows! Given the way the tide is changing, and I think given my own personal growth, I don't feel the pressure to commit now. Or stay committed to the wrong person. But I also don't feel the pressure to be single. The pressure to engage in hook up culture and low commitment interactions with the opposite sex? Sure. But not to be single. For me personally, hook up culture doesn't interest me -- I just feel empowered to find my person when the time is right. I'm excited for when they come into my life. But for now, I'm just enjoying showing up for myself and my community. I'm enjoying being single and healing my relationship with myself. I think I'll end up having more to offer someone else :) Interesting to hear your perspective.
Edit: I recently ended a long term relationship and it took a lot of courage. I absolutely see the value in relationships, but I think sometimes women need to learn how to choose themselves too. I think that can look different to everybody at different times in their life. Maybe for someone who struggles with commitment, committing to the guy who treats them right IS choosing themselves. But, regardless, I think women face the problem of never doing it “right.” That’s why all you can do is decide what’s right for you.
Personal growth doesn’t stop after marriage. Let’s get that straight.
I completely agree. I think there’s different forms of growth available when you’re single and when you’re in a relationship. Both are incredibly important. I don’t mean to argue that growth stops after marriage at all. I look forward to hopefully having the opportunity to grow within a marriage someday!
"But, regardless, I think women face the problem of never doing it “right.” "
It's completely the opposite. Society praises everything a woman does or decides to do, women always do it right, while men are the evil just for being men. It's all a movie in your heads or, better said, a self fullfilling prophecy of yours.
I hear your pain and I’m very sorry. I agree that there is a vilification of men at times and I don’t see that as productive or right. I’m very lucky to have some amazing men in my life. But, I think both things can be true — men are often vilified, and women are under a tremendous amount of pressure in various directions. I think it would be great if we could all learn to have some compassion and learn to work together and lift each other up.
Men are not vilified "at times" _ they are vilified constantly across all cultures and the psychological phenomenon underlying this is very well established.
There is no "real you" buried deep inside, waiting for you to self-actualize so that it can emerge. That's a lie. You are already you, right now. You will change over time as you enter new relationships and have new experiences, but it will always be you doing it. You don't need to wait to discover your "true self" before you marry; you are your true self now.
Also, you can't "keep your options open" indefinitely by refusing to commit, because options tend to expire over time. Refusing to commit may feel like keeping your freedom in the short term, but it commits you to a certain kind of life, too.
Middle Aged Dad with the facts 👏
I love how clearly you name the cultural pressure, but what I keep returning to in my own life and in the women I work with is that so much of this isn’t about dating or marriage at all. It’s about what our nervous systems learned to fear. Some of us fear being alone, others fear being held. Some of us were raised to collapse inside commitment, others to disappear inside “freedom.”
What I see today is less a pressure to be single or coupled, and more a pressure to perform a certain version of “strength.” The independent woman who never needs anybody. The endlessly self-actualising woman who must fix every wound before she’s allowed to love. Both are costumes. Both are exhausting.
Real intimacy is not the enemy; premature obligation isn’t either. What actually destroys us is living out of alignment with our own timing; choosing from fear instead of from the body. Commitment can be liberation, solitude can be liberation. It all depends on whether the choice is emerging from self-trust or self-protection.
For me, the work isn’t to argue one pressure over the other. It’s to come back to the truth that we find ourselves through connection and through solitude — and that neither has to be sacrificed if we’re anchored in who we are.
I suppose you need to value yourself to be valued, to know what you want and probably deserve, and then to reciprocate. I expect we are also more risk averse, scarred by our parents' experiences and attracted by the ideal relationship being out there somewhere. Commitment is risky, so is independence.
wow thissss! you put this so well. instant follow :)
Thank you, emilina 💞
Yes!! 👏
I’ve been working with women for over a decade in childbirth. I don’t have children of my own. I’m not old but I’m not young anymore. I see how mothers are treated less than and I also see women who are childless (but very much wanted a child but for various reasons couldn’t have one) and both groups of women are displaced and made to be an outsider. What I feel in your writing is how there is a conscious attempt to erase womanhood. There is no space for women to take up because our culture has diminished it. Somehow we have turned women into little men and it’s confusing and left many to feel ambivalent about dating, having children, etc etc. I write about this ad nauseum on my substack called motherlands in case anyone wants to continue more honest conversation.
Fyi- on another substack an author was bemoaning that the world treats the boys as “defective girls”.
To both your points, which I do appreciate and support, Alison Armstrong has studied men and women for many years and actually calls out women for treating men as "hairy women." Meaning, naturally talking to them in "women-speak" and expecting a "woman" answer/response and when they don't it they speak down to men calling them defective. Today, Alison is a huge supporter of how to effectively communicate between the sexes. Her graduate research started in 1991 and she thought it would take her three months to complete (she laughs at herself today when she looks back). I feel very strongly, now that I'm 56, that society is really great a teaching people how to be independent and successful with a career, but has zero education on how to really navigate relationships, family and parenting.
To Keely's point, Louis Perry just released a podcast episode where she interviewed an economist. One key point they made together is that society is becoming less and less "family friendly". They gave examples such as space for strollers on public transportation. I can point to many things my wife and I ran into raising three kids who were all born within 3.5 years such as car seats, vehicles, hotels, and the list goes one. I believe Keely's seeing the same effect that society is not being family friendly, just at a different stage/season than most of us.
Great points from both of you. Thanks for sharing.
I really love Alison Armstrongs work - she is incredibly kind in her approach and humanizes the experience of relating to both men and women. And I also appreciate you seeing my point. I think modern culture in general is becoming increasingly hostile to human life in general but is affecting women and families squarely at this point in time. We are becoming intolerant to the very things that make us human and imperfect, hence why it’s so hard for people to form meaningful connections and relationships.
>I think modern culture in general is becoming increasingly hostile to human life in general but is affecting women and families squarely at this point in time.
This is a sad reminder that the Sisterhood of Eternal Victimhood never sleeps.
Consider this, according to our best intel, Ukraine has lost 1.5 to 2 million men KIA. The USA had 400K KIA in total in WW II.
What did Hillary say about women being the most affected by war?
Recently one of the MSM rags did a big story on the Kiev nightclub scene, digging deep into how women are dealing with the lack of men to buy them drinks and on top of that amputees just give them an "ick".
Great points. I'd add to intolerant, selfishness. Being a parent/family is a huge, selfless act that is now ridiculed as reckless. Thank you Keely for providing a glimmer of hope.
She's deleting comments.
The sex differences are split across age brackets. Young boys are the ones treated like defective girls, whereas old women are treated like defective men.
Although considering that so much of what men are judged for is what they have done with their lives, the growing number of NEETs resulting from being treated as defective girls by the idiot school system does suggest that this is not the sort of thing that works out in men's favour in later life. Maybe for some, but not all.
Great post. I agree. Even in my generation (young millennial) we were constantly told that we had time or to wait. It was looked down upon not to be single in your early 20’s
It was already happening with Gen X.
Agree re Gen X. It was absolutely forbidden in my female friend groups to feel that we were unhappy being single into our 30s. When people coupled up, the women pretended to have to be dragged kicking and screaming into relationships. We all pretended to be Carrie Bradshaw, and we were all miserable.
This is a wonderfully written article, Freya's wisdom far surpasses her age.
As another Gen Xer I also saw this in my friend group. Don't get married, don't have kids, have a career, find yourself first, all of it can wait! I have so many friends who never had a real relationship other than with their pets, never had kids or real responsibility for anyone...other than their pets, and are now too set in this cycle to incorporate anyone meaningful into their lives. Turns out modeling yourself after Sex in the City, or Eat, Prey, Love was just a path to a selfish and lonely existence.
This reminds me of what Louise Perry wrote in her article, "We Will All Become Boring."
"The Baby Boomers came closest to enjoying both [carefree independence and social support] simultaneously, but [that's] only because they were born during an ideological changing of the guard. They enjoyed the high trust, family-centric culture cultivated by their parents and grandparents, and then got to enjoy the youthful rejection of all of that culture’s downsides.
But that’s a trick that can only be pulled once. ... You cannot promote a culture of optionality, and then also expect people to choose you when you become a dull and onerous option. You cannot buy solitude when it suits you, and then try and buy back company when it does not, because company of the sincere and intimate kind cannot be bought.
[The] Boomers escaped [social obligations] when it suited them to do so, and some of them are still rich enough to find pleasure in what liberal individualism insists is the “true purpose of human life”: that is, their leisure time, free from unwanted social obligations. For these lucky few, there are still just enough migrant workers to provide cheap care, and the state pension is still arriving reliably in their bank accounts every month, courtesy of working age tax payers. In a material sense, they don’t need the traditional family.
Of course this will not be true for future generations, given that the pyramid scheme that is the welfare state is starting to collapse."
I think there's something to this, but it's less pressure to be single than it is pressure "not to settle." That's a subtle distinction, but it's important. There's a presumption on the part of the families and friends of women, particularly educated/successful ones that a man "isn't good enough for you." It goes beyond ordinary protectiveness, and pushes into a subtle sense that a man has to affirmatively prove he's good enough for you. I had my mom ask me whether my husband was "smart enough" for me (he is certainly more accomplished in his field than I am in mine, although our fields are different). I had well meaning women in my life mention that he's not six feet tall, that I could have anyone I wanted, or I could find someone with a less intense schedule. There's pressure not to work around drawbacks, but to find someone who requires no compromise and slots into your life like a new pair of shoes. After generations of expecting women to completely build their lives around men, I think it's more of an overcorrection than anything else, but it's also not at all how life and marriage works.
Thank you for writing this Freya. I often feel ostracised amongst friends because of my desire to get married and start a family. I’m 26 and the only one in a long term relationship. They think it’s bizarre that I’m thinking about marriage and a family at this age, but it’s what I want and have always wanted. I have a friend who married at 24 and had a baby at 26 and they say it is wrong and call her a teenage mother! I am much happier with my partner than I ever was single. I also think a lot of so called feminists look down on women who desire to be mothers.
So sorry to hear you experienced this — that sounds awful. You don’t deserve to be treated that way! I agree that sometimes women are looked down upon for wanting to be mothers over having a career. It makes me sad. We should all be entitled to make our own choices and be made to feel valuable as women. The differences in everyone’s experiences with these relationship pressures is so interesting to me. Thanks for sharing.
“We thought the answer to the failed marriages and broken families and mess we made over the past few decades was less commitment when it was clearly *more*.”
wow. this really made me think. thank you for sharing
My husband recently heard someone describe how marriage has shifted from a “cornerstone” event (that you build your life on) to a “capstone” event (that you only do when you’ve done everything else). I think this is the fundamental issue that you are addressing here—we feel we must do it all before we “settle down.” That pressure is suffocating.
I know it is dangerous and may appear a bit brash as a man to comment on an article written by a woman for women, but my wife and I married at 21 and started our family at 24. Four children and 47 years later I’m 68 with 14 grandchildren and I feel like the king of world. And my superwife feels the same.
It is hard to blend two different people into one partnership, but if you can navigate through the inevitable friction, what comes out on the other side is so worth it.
“Don’t be a slave to a husband and a family” they will tell you. Okay. Be a slave to a career. Or yourself.
You’re going to give yourself to something. Choose wisely.
Human nature tends to swing to extremes. Women used to be told to go to college to get their Mrs., rather than an education. Not marrying by your mid-20s was a problem. We have now gone to the opposite extreme where everything but marriage is important. Meanwhile, women seem lonelier and angrier.
I'm not sure women are lonelier or angrier. My mother and grandmother were definitely angry about not having equal rights and being dependent on often unreliable men, but they didn't have social media to vent to and nobody cared. For the first time in history we're hearing what women really think and what they choose when independence is a viable option. Some will find love and long term commitment to be the path to happiness, but the odds don't seem appealing enough to keep our marriage and birth rates where society needs them. Coercion can look like shame (childless cat lady!) or romance (such a beautiful bride!) but it's not really about women's happiness at all. It's the economy.
Elite women were told that.
Not marrying by your mid 20s IS a problem for women.
Lovely essay. My oldest daughter married in her very early 20's and I have to admit I had mixed feelings about what she might have been missing or giving up. She had many passions including an artistic career and academic interests. In the years since then (she's still not 30) she has absolutely flourished as a wife and stay at home mother. She still engages in creative endeavors, some that pay a little. Her family is far from affluent, but they are stable and her husband hustles and works hard. Even though she is often tired, her joy is immense and radiates from her whenever I see her. She is beautiful, creative, and calm, and her children are adorable.
When I see how my younger children have struggled to find their person, to find their place and their joy, I appreciate that much more my oldest daring to commit. With no urging from anyone.
I was thinking last night about how my wife truly gave me my entire life, and I gave her hers. We also married young. I wouldn't have traded a day of it for chasing dead ends in my 20's. I understand that bliss is not the uniform condition of the married. But individuals have a lot more control than they assume about how that ends up for them. I love what you said about more commitment not less being the lesson to be taken from the failures of our elders. The truth needs to be told, and best by young women, not old guys like me. Thank you Freya for doing your part.
How silly to refer to the pressure to stay single as "violence" and "cruelty." Grow up, Emma. In my religious Jewish culture, there is an opposite pressure on young people to marry early. And today's 22-year-old in general lacks the maturity of a 22 year-old in years past. Today's youth have grown up with seemingly endless choices, which makes it harder to make significant choices committing to marriage, or even grad school. A healthy marriage is the absolute best place for self-actualization, and that is because of the mutual giving involved. The more we focus on ourselves exclusively, the more self-involved we become and the less chance we'll have of being able to make space for others.
This seems like such a false dichotomy, though. Between focus on the self and marriage, that is. There are plenty of ways to build deep, meaningful, mutually giving relationships in our lives that pull us out of the self that do not need to be traditional marriage.
"Marriage is a financial contract between you, another person, and the State," my mother would always say. Making significant commitments surely is hard in today's world, but that need not be solved by a retreat back to the familiarity of marriage unless that is what someone is called to do by their own values, culture, etc.
Humans pair up and have children.
In many ways. and historically, more as a communal group than a pair.
Wow... so well said!!! I very much connect with the "Grow up, Emma!" mantra.
Very well said.
Freya, I appreciate the counterbalance of your point of view. As a young woman growing up in the 70’s and 80’s I adamantly resisted marriage, despite considerable pressure to marry. At that time, I felt marriage wasn’t a good deal for women.
I’ve recognized that I need to be careful to accept the idea that marriage can be good for some. I don’t want to allow my personal experiences to color my interactions with others in an unfair way. Yes, we need to avoid all extremes.
I do want to challenge your idea that the problem is that people haven’t been willing to commit enough. In my experience, women often give so much that they reach the point of self erasure.
The same might be true for men. I personally haven’t seen as many examples of that, but I am a sample size of only one and can’t speak for the entire culture.
Not committing enough is a problem that can lead to loneliness and shallow relationships. Committing too much can lead to very deleterious consequences too.
The urge to merge runs deep and will never be eliminated. If women have higher standards for marriage now than they had before, I see that as a good development. Women of my generation were so desperate to marry that the consequences were often not good for them or their children. That is very likely why I avoided marriage for as long as I did. I built a career for myself before I married, and I’m very glad I did.
>If women have higher standards for marriage now than they had before, I see that as a good development.
There are many princesses like this out there today.
https://x.com/washghost1/status/1987243946896977998
This really synthesized my thoughts in a way that I couldn't quite articulate. Thank you, Karin!