I have shared this quote before, but it speaks so clearly to your call for parents to be adults:
“Most modern freedom is at root fear. It is not so much that we are too bold to endure rules; it is rather that we are too timid to endure responsibilities." G.K. Chesterton
Parents have been taught to fear the wrong things. We fear that our children might hurt themselves physically, and we fear angering our children by giving them rules and guidance. We indeed need to take on our responsibility of guiding our children, being for them stable, respectable, and trustworthy adults to lean on and mirror. Thanks for your excellent work Freya!
I believe everything in this article wholeheartedly. The number of parents in my social circle with children (late teens, early 20s) who are struggling with the regular old milestones is astounding. Not graduating high school, taking gap years, having difficulty adjusting to/finding social circle in college, wanting to transfer, transferring, dropping out, not dropping out but moving back home and commuting from there, going in and out of residential mental health programs during high school, unable to keep summer jobs...these are ALL upper middle class, educated families, suburban Boston, intact families (father and mother still together). I have no idea what's happening. But the only thread that I can observe is a weird permissiveness in and fear induced parenting style where there is very little ability to say 'no' and to replace it with a reason why (belief system, cultural imperative, morals, whatever). My circle is native born and immigrants alike, although these issues are less stark amongst the immigrant families.
And here I am, feeling like I'm a stereotypical nutcase Indian mom who is seen as 'too strict' for expecting my kids to have rights, responsibilities, duties, extended family obligations, strong work ethic, good grades, good jobs, healthy relationships putting in the hard work at both friendship and romance...all of the stuff that is really f***ing hard but keeps you stable and alive and gives you a sense of purpose. I don't know, man...
So true and well articulated; it's amazing how many adults abdicate responsibilities, even when we have children. As a mother to a young daughter (and another on the way), I am seeing so many places where I was not protected or guided, and my husband and I continually vow to take stronger stances at the "risk" of upsetting our children, but for the benefit of guarding their souls.
I do think most parents care about their children’s character, but I also think, like Freya mentions, they often hesitate to involve themselves for fear of “overstepping”.
I see this with my teen, in the reaction I get from her when I do involve myself in this way (which is non-optional, no matter how annoying she finds it). That reaction, usually in the form of “no one else’s parents care about this why do you? You’re so weirdddddd”, is one that I realistically know is likely exaggerated on her part but I think does have some weight to it which I feel comfortable saying just due to my observations of her peers.
The way the girls dress very provocatively (I am old fashioned on this one-no crop tops in my house thankyouverymuch), the social media they are all allows to use (no TikTok in my house either), and things like over-prioritization of social time and sports over family time and chores (both are important, but one more than the other is most cases-I don’t let youth sports or phone calls interfere with dinner time, sorry), and letting kids go on solo dates as early as 12 (no way).
I find myself frustrated at feeling like the only one holding the line (I know I’m not, I’m in good company-it just feels like that sometimes). I sometimes question if my morals are outdated. Motherhood certainly has a way of making one wonder constantly if their choices are the right ones, but much of this is common sense and instinct and it is when we ignore these things that we begin to get ourselves in trouble.
My own - very good father, and a father only of daughters - always believed that it was crucial to guide as strongly as possible in the pre-teen years. Later on, when one of us challenged him, or he challenged us, he would reply, "You know what we think, and why we think it - it is now for you to make a decision for yourself. All I ask is that you think it through". Invariably, we would - and usually come to our own realisation that we we were thinking/doing was not perhaps the best choice. That way, growing children have both guidance and learn discernment and how to take responsibility.
My girl is only one, so I don't have to worry about the clothes thing yet, but the AMOUNT of 14 year old girls I see walking around in what is very clearly just lingerie is extremely disturbing. I already find myself watching them thinking "not my daughter" 😂
I have these concerns too, my daughters are young adults now, but I was very clear about the differences of interpretation of outfits by other teen girls (it’s edgy!), teen boys (it’s hot!), adult women and men (it’s inappropriate at school/work), older adult women and men (it’s sleazy, this kid is not being protected by her parents) etc. reality is a thing they need to know about.
I care because it has implications for how we are treated as females in the world. I once was a provocatively dressed teenage girl and know what those implications are intimately. So by caring about this, it is showing love.
Motherhood in fact actually requires a certain level of immodesty, within the context of love—mothers are mothers for a reason. Sexual oppression, the sort that Reich was concerned with, is not my aim. A young woman can both be modest and sexually healthy, believe it or not.
Telling a 12 year old she can’t be half naked in public because adult men and boys much older than her will sexualize her and it will inevitably hurt her and make her uncomfortable (because she is a CHILD) is not sexually repressing her. It is guiding her to a healthy relationship with sexuality.
I honestly think it is wildly inappropriate that you are referencing a psychoanalyst who believed that orgasm oppression induced character dysfunction in response to a comment about me not allowing my young child to wear crop tops. Not the same thing.
It is related to these points. Modesty is a virtue. It must be taught by an authority figure and imposed on young men and women who will then pass it down themselves when they grow up and have children. We got to this point by authority figures not wanting to burden parents with the expectation to appropriately dress their children for school and public. Adults abdicating virtue and moral teaching all the way down.
Definitely an important topic and one I've been observing since I became a mother in 1999. My husband and I noticed early on that even then, parents wanted to be their children's friends more than parents. We decided that would not be our path. We are not our kid's friends. I found Waldorf education in 2002 and through that learned that boundaries and limiting choices make for the most peaceful households. I'm not sure the Waldorf Education movement still practices the true essence of the pedagogy, because so few parents could actually pull it off even in the early aughts, but using rhythm and discipline to raise my sons made parenting meaningful and also joyful. I was the weird mom whose sons had very limited screen time until junior high, and then still didn't have smartphones or their own computers or gaming systems. They shared my computer until they were 15 and didn't get smartphones or gaming systems until they could drive a car, held a job outside of the home, and had established good grades in high school. As young adults themselves, we are all still very close. I knew we were different, but I never felt ashamed at having rules and boundaries. As my husband often says, "We need to give them something to rebel against. If anything goes, what then will they need to do to be different?"
I recall when my youngest son was in 4th grade, he had a strong aversion to several of the parents at the liberal school we attended in liberal northern California. One day, I noticed him behaving strangely when a father came out to play basketball with the kids after school. Immediately, my son left the game. I asked him why, and he said, "That dad is weird." I said, "It's good when dads play with you boys." He replied, "Yeah, but that dad doesn't play like an adult. He acts like a kid. Like he's younger than his son." I had to admit, this dad was a total Peter Pan, we were surrounded by them there, and even my 4th grader noticed his lack of adulting.
One thing I do regret is not passing down my Catholicism to my sons. This is where I too failed the test as a parent. I didn't want to give them the guilt that my own parents and school sought to put inside of my soul. I was involved with the church until they were in junior high, at which point I myself had a dark night of the soul. They are baptized, had Confession and First Communion, but when it came to Confirmation, I let them choose and they chose no. On one hand, finding your faith on your own as a young adult is very powerful, but still, I regret it a bit.
Overall, if you're starting out as a parent, it can be hard, but you must be the adult. Your personal development is the family. Trust me on this, nothing teaches you, stretches you, or enlightens you more than complete surrender to the service of parenthood. Some powerful books that changed my life: You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin and Being There by Erica Komisar. If you are Christian, there are many resources as well. I think trending back to something more strict is a good idea for all of us.
I appreciate all of this comment, Madeline, and the statement of your husband struck a chord in me. My boys are 1 and 2, so we have a long way of parenting to go, and I am quite interested in the Waldorf philosophy. This is pushing me to look into it more. Thank you for the book recommendations as well!
I come from a third generation hardcore Waldorf family, and always imagined I would send my kids to Waldorf schools, but I don’t think I will anymore. Since 2020 they completely sold out, there are perhaps a few old-school schools left, but most are just standard DEI private schools. My mom was an administrator at one for a while, and from her experience I can say the parents, wanting to get their money’s worth completely overrode the teachers and the philosophy. At one point they had a petition to expel a 7th grader because he wore a thin blue line hat. (Although traditionally writing and graphics were prohibited under the dress code, but at that point having a dress code at all was obviously a thing of the past so this was just a case of pure discrimination). The curriculum and the traditions have in most schools been completely eroded and even the teachers don’t believe in them anymore. Like I said there are a few schools left that are still truly Waldorf, but you definitely cannot count on it.
as far as the culture of the parent body and teachers. The pedagogy is amazing and I’ve seen some teachers be too strict and people can become inflexible. My kids went to a sweet neighborhood -in a house- Waldorf Kinder, by a trained Waldorf teacher, so I got 6 years straight, lucky me!) Then I toured the L.A. Waldorf schools and felt they’d be restrictive for my active boy (and too expensive for us, anyway)! I went to some teacher training at the Rudolf Steiner College and incorporated the beautiful stories, traditions and early education curriculum into homeschooling for two years.
Then, I was lucky enough to fall into a public alternative school that was just being created. The soon-to-be principal was a fellow parent from the Kinder. I jumped on to help and we made it Waldorf Inspired, which the district was okay with. The teachers got Waldorf supplemental training once a year, to go with their normal teacher trainings. They had way more fun and embraced the deeper meaning.
The kids got a clear childhood. They were led by the adults, not given every choice under the sun, to stress them out and magic and innocence was honored. Traditions, hand work, festivals were had. (For us, at home too). Some people left the surrounding Waldorf schools and came to ours (with constant reminders from us that it was a hybrid!) but they brought their crafts and the sweet honoring of childhood. In the older years of elementary and middle school, we just had such creative teachers that weren’t glued to Waldorf curriculum , but taught with a global perspective and used art and writing and music to infuse everything with.
We still have a waiting list every year and it’s going strong.
I so understand the value of Waldorf and how if the parents aren’t there for the right reasons , and willing to take the leap, it can ruin it. For me, the hybrid was incredible. Mostly, our neighbor teacher taught me how to parent, by watching her gentle, firm leadership. I took the beauty of it, learned a lot about parenting, and left the parts that didn’t make sense.
This is something I'm observing happening in real time where I live. The Waldorf school changed so much in 2020 that many parents started homeschooling (I did that back in the day as well) and eventually founded smaller Waldorf schools with trained teachers willing to found small Kinders which were so needed at the time. They're now morphing into something else as the kids age. But yes, it was the guidance I received as a parent in the parent-child classes that made all the difference for my parenting skills. Gentle, firm leadership honoring childhood. When you create that space, you avoid many of the issues that come up when the kids are stressed or treated like little adults because the children are comfortable in a place that meets them where they're at. Makes me want to be a parent child teacher at a Waldorf school.
Yes! Every bit of that makes a huge difference with how the kids grow up! And I’ll tell ya- I was in the classrooms nearly daily for 8 years. I did watercolor, handwork, May Festivals, ran an incredible senior citizen/kid event monthly (the most important thing I’ve ever done), I ran all the philanthropy projects, from toy drives to making blankets for homeless folks. Getting to do all of that was the highlight as an adult, for me. And it was a massive re-do for me as a bonus, from my own childhood! Yay for all of us, who are thinking deeply about this. (And now my kids are in their 20’s and they SO appreciate how they were raised!)
I wondered if this was true. I had a feeling. I worked at two Waldorf schools and both definitely sold out in 2020. They're like a different place. The parents won. Very sad. Without the pedagogy in place, Waldorf schools are just places with wooden toys and nicely painted classrooms. Not worth the money.
To continue my post, I think kids are owed these things as long as the parent can afford them and they’re being encouraged to start earning their own money via completing chores and eventually getting part time jobs. If their peers can thrive with such media, I see no reason to deny them if there’s nothing pragmatic to hold back.
Wouldn’t it create resentment to deny kids of so many of the things you mentioned? Inevitably, there’ll be envy, comparisons with the other children and questions as to why you controlled to that extent.
Unironically, I’m extremely happy you didn’t pass on your Catholicism. Frankly, I don’t think children can appreciate or understand the gravity of such notions at their age. Better to let them come to their spirituality on their own terms.
I would recommend you research the neurological development of the child and the affects screens have on them. Limiting them completely from 0-3 and then introducing them a bit at a time as they meet physical milestones is crucial for proper neural development. I would look into Jonathan Haidt's work and Melanie Hempe as they provide the science behind it. Your children DO NOT need any of this tech. At all. We never had resentment and I ask them this all the time. At 25 and 23 y.o. they agree that they would raise their own kids the same way. Starting around 10, I did teach them how to code, on the shared family computer, and type. I also shared all the research I found about the links neurological development and sensory experiences as well as the research on early porn (which is the fate of every boy given a smartphone). Limiting them this way didn't cause any harm socially or academically either. One is now a particle physicist, the other a video game designer with a AAA title already under his belt at 23, even though he didn't get his own gaming system until he was 16. Anyway, being the parent might cause resentment. Tough. That's the whole point of this article. My job is to provide them with the structure needed as well as proper nutrition and housing to grow up and make their own decisions with the best possible outcomes. Good parents don't avoid conflict with their children.
Brava!!! I did the same. And now in their 20’s they’re SO grateful (and tech savvy to say the least). They’re so happy they were immersed in imagination and not screens. And they were absolutely fine with it even as kids. We talked about it. Loving boundaries that you know are for their good. They are very grateful.
Really great piece here. I think for me, as I've aged, the answer to "why grow up? For whom?" Has become increasingly clear: You don't get a community/robust social circle unless you do the work, and that requires becoming an adult. I spent my 20s and early 30s basically not growing up — and eventually realized this was a path to loneliness. What I eventually concluded was that if no one ever steps up into the role of community "leader" (doesn't necessarily have to be formal) there is ultimately no community. So, you grow up because you owe it to the people around you, especially the ones coming up behind.
I agree with the vast majority of the article but as a middle aged mom of 2 who is very much an adult- I’m guessing you really lost many of us Gen Xers and older millennials with the dig at our complaints about emotional labor. I’m the first to admit that feminism has had its excesses, but I still remain a feminist in the sense that I staunchly believe women are made to be more than the workhorses of the world. And emotional labor complaints?
Primarily a feminist issue. What young people of your generation can’t possibly understand is that as girls, we were the first raised to truly believe that girls could do anything, BUT our brothers were not at all raised to believe that this would mean that they would have to do more. Most of us are in the workforce in addition to raising our children, and let me tell you- you simply can’t understand how tiring it is until you’ve been there. For previous generations, mothers of course did more emotional labor because by and large they were also expected to do less practical outside the home labor. But 70s and 80s girl babies? Society expected us to grow up and do it all.
So I’ll try to go back read the end of your piece with a more charitable mindset now that I’ve typed my little diatribe. :)
But mind you- being an adult is tiring. Being the ONLY true adult when less is expected of your fellow adult partner, when you have equal salaries—it’s a generational struggle for the “girls” that came before your current audience. I wouldn’t be so quick to make light of it.
All said with warm regards, tenderness and respect to you, Freya.
I hadn't even fully picked up on this point until reading this comment. The emotional labour is real, and it's a hard reality to live in sometimes. I think it's a separate issue to the core issues discussed in this piece, which is possibly why I didn't fully register it when reading. A lot of us that complain of emotional labour aren't doing so because we're not adults, we're doing so because we ARE adults - adults that were raised to believe that the dream was to 'have it all' and are now in a constant internal battle with ourselves over why having it all is sometimes so hard when its been sold as the pinnacle all our lives. Emotional labour is very much an adult woman problem, not one for a girl who has refused to grow up. It's an adult man problem, too, in that they are often part of the problem, but that's an issue for a different day 😉
Right. The author puts it in a category of “look at this way that today’s adults aren’t able to be competent adults adequately”.
But my thought is that a few decades from now, if she ever has a few kids and a husband who is averse to emotional labor, she may look back and think a bit more charitably about the hard working women she judged decades ago 😉
It’s 1000% an adult man problem in my opinion, but the complaint in the essay was not about adult men- rather, women complaining about adult mens’ behavior became the problem.
Can I also just say, I believe women amongst themselves have likely been saying this kind of thing for ages, but without the terminology of “emotional labor”. They also didn’t have the Internet—so no one except their close friends had any idea how much mothers in 1924 or 1824 or 1724 complained about their load. I think often the middle class ones just “took to bed with the vapors ” for a while instead of making snarky comments about their husbands on X.
It's also hard because society backs you up less than it used to. The school doesn't enforce a dress code, you have to go through hoops to block TV and internet because no one else is going to filter out the filth for you.
Yes, I picked up on this as well. I think the point is that it is important not to let "be an adult and take responsibilities" turn into "enable other adults to eschew responsibility". Which is what happens often when the woman takes on all responsibility in the home and for the kids. Sometimes in order to have other people (often the man) "level up" in terms of responsibility, you need to let go of some. This can be a tricky dilemma, and it is not at all the same as not wanting responsibility in general.
Wow, I love your writing. I never agree with 100% of what you write in any essay, and I really enjoy grappling with that. I find your approach to be so thoughtful and thought provoking. This one is timely for me as well, as I am just embarking on the journey of parenthood. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what it means to be the adult and to actually raise children. So, thanks!
Wow Freya, no doubt your best article so far, I consider myself lucky that my parents were and are in law enforcement, I think it's helped me understand who to trust and who not to trust.
Good essay -- I think you're right. As well, children are being (emotionally) neglected en masse in the critical first three years of development, in part because of reasons you highlight, ie the breakdown of extended family networks and support.
An interesting element is that while young people seem to not being growing up, they are also going through puberty much earlier. In a sense, they are growing up too quickly, then not growing up at all. Early puberty has many environmental causes, including nutrition and hormone disruptors, but it's also linked to poor parent-child attachment and father absence in childhood.
Yes (and really, it should be at least 2 years) -- but even then it's really, really difficult to look after a child (let alone multiple children!) on your own. Parents need social interaction and support; it's a huge advantage to live near (or with) extended family that helps out.
I wonder if this could be something to do with being post-Christian. It has always perplexed me when Westerners brush off Muslims trying to share their views, for example about ensuring some level of modesty in your daughters, and the usual comeback is "Leave us alone, this is OUR culture!" I do understand that, there are valid reasons for not wanting to hear from outsiders, and that's true for other cultures too. But, much of what is being strongly defended is generally viewed as unfavourable, except in the West and among certain class groups within it. In Islam we value Ghayrah (protective jealousy, family-protective, possessive), Haya (modesty, shame, shyness), and lowering the gaze (Ghadd Al-basar). But you can find similar themes in Christianity. Those who do it right impart these qualities and others to their kids, and also the extended community looks out for each other. Children have responsibilities to their parents, just as parents have responsibilities to their children. When a young woman has a baby, its not unusual that the whole family pitches in for weeks. We dont dump our elderly in care homes. Parents play a huge role in teaching morals and don't leave education merely down to school teachers. Of course, not every person gets it right, and many go overboard or are too lax, but my view is much of the Western decline of the soul stems from prioritising power and individualism over faith in God. Zeroing in on the problem is a step in the right direction
This has given me an idea for a future little essay: What modern people find intolerable is not authority in general, but personal authority. Before the impersonal authority of the crowd, modern institutions, and mass media organs they are as docile as little children - and increasingly treated as such.
Thanks for this, Freya. It’s beautifully written. I often tell parents in my work to “be the parent!” I am astonished at how often they say they need permission to say no to their kids, to take an authoritative stance in the family home. I think it makes life so much harder for both parent and child.
This is why I just can't do Botox...I don't want to look old and unattractive compared to my late 30s peer group, but whats the alternative? To get Botox and send the message to my children that aging is a sad process to avoid? That my value is only in my youthfulness and not my life experiences and accrued wisdom? This societal aging denial is so sad for our youngest generations. When will we think about other people and graduate into maturity?
as a 23 year old woman who has floundered in anxiety and uncertainty my whole life, but especially the last few years as I try to figure out what i want my purpose to be, i appreciate this article greatly. no one talks about the parents who were too passive. my parents have always been too absorbed in their own lives, not having the energy (it seems to me) to get too involved in mine. also, my father has said multiple times upon me asking for guidance in life that he doesn’t believe in helping people. thinks that figuring shit out for yourself and by yourself is the best way to learn. and boy let me tell you i do not respect my father. my mother tries only barely harder out of her need for control, but doesn’t really offer any real advice, wisdom, or guidance. i can’t turn to them when im struggling and confused, i don’t have an adult to turn to
Dear Freya, what an absolutely superb article! I couldn’t agree more. I think we, the generation of parents are so afraid of being unpopular that we water down our values and shut down on our natural discernment. We are so liberal, we are basically without principle. We have become so neutral we are in danger of being empty vessels. Our sense of right and wrong is something to hide because we feel ashamed of our protective instincts and moral principles. I don’t know how this happened to us, but the question is, how does this impact our grown up and growing offspring? We wanted to smooth the way for our children because our own lives were quite hard and difficult at times. Really difficult and we suffered abuse. Not sexual abuse as such but physical and psychological abuse. But by smoothing the road what happened? Was the the lives of our children, just a semi neutral shade of gray? And character development fell by the wayside? So what could possibly be the optimal environment to grow up in? Have we cast aside the legends and myths of old like the story of Horatius defending Ancient Rome against the Etruscan Army? I do feel these classic stories did me a lot of good and stirred my emotions to honour natural justice and courage against the slings and arrows of life’s misfortune which comes for each of us sooner or later.
The shadow side of liberalism is just that, everything must be regarded as equal, although it is not in reality. Have we brainwashed ourselves into impotent neutrality?
Thank you for your thoughts. They are very much appreciated.
Keep writing, we need to have our hearts stirred with hearing exactly what we need or even yearn to hear.
or, to paraphrase Chesterton, we've become so open-minded our brains have fallen out. I can picture the worn yellow cover of the book on my childhood bedroom shelf with Horatius at the Bridge among its stories. William Bennett's The Book of Virtues is a good reference for a slew of classics. And I concur with Madeline's comment re: Chronicles of Narnia, LOTR, Madeleine L'Engle, etc. They're classics for a reason.
Good point about the power of myth and story in the child's heart. I too was raised on great tales, including the Greek and Roman myths, as well as beautiful fairy tales and fantasy like Narnia and LOTR. I gave these things to my sons in hopes they too would feel that fire. There is right and wrong, good and bad. Neutral doesn't actually exist, even though we think it should. I wonder why that we chase that dream?
I have shared this quote before, but it speaks so clearly to your call for parents to be adults:
“Most modern freedom is at root fear. It is not so much that we are too bold to endure rules; it is rather that we are too timid to endure responsibilities." G.K. Chesterton
Parents have been taught to fear the wrong things. We fear that our children might hurt themselves physically, and we fear angering our children by giving them rules and guidance. We indeed need to take on our responsibility of guiding our children, being for them stable, respectable, and trustworthy adults to lean on and mirror. Thanks for your excellent work Freya!
I believe everything in this article wholeheartedly. The number of parents in my social circle with children (late teens, early 20s) who are struggling with the regular old milestones is astounding. Not graduating high school, taking gap years, having difficulty adjusting to/finding social circle in college, wanting to transfer, transferring, dropping out, not dropping out but moving back home and commuting from there, going in and out of residential mental health programs during high school, unable to keep summer jobs...these are ALL upper middle class, educated families, suburban Boston, intact families (father and mother still together). I have no idea what's happening. But the only thread that I can observe is a weird permissiveness in and fear induced parenting style where there is very little ability to say 'no' and to replace it with a reason why (belief system, cultural imperative, morals, whatever). My circle is native born and immigrants alike, although these issues are less stark amongst the immigrant families.
And here I am, feeling like I'm a stereotypical nutcase Indian mom who is seen as 'too strict' for expecting my kids to have rights, responsibilities, duties, extended family obligations, strong work ethic, good grades, good jobs, healthy relationships putting in the hard work at both friendship and romance...all of the stuff that is really f***ing hard but keeps you stable and alive and gives you a sense of purpose. I don't know, man...
So true and well articulated; it's amazing how many adults abdicate responsibilities, even when we have children. As a mother to a young daughter (and another on the way), I am seeing so many places where I was not protected or guided, and my husband and I continually vow to take stronger stances at the "risk" of upsetting our children, but for the benefit of guarding their souls.
"for the benefit of guarding their souls" - what a beautiful way of putting it
I do think most parents care about their children’s character, but I also think, like Freya mentions, they often hesitate to involve themselves for fear of “overstepping”.
I see this with my teen, in the reaction I get from her when I do involve myself in this way (which is non-optional, no matter how annoying she finds it). That reaction, usually in the form of “no one else’s parents care about this why do you? You’re so weirdddddd”, is one that I realistically know is likely exaggerated on her part but I think does have some weight to it which I feel comfortable saying just due to my observations of her peers.
The way the girls dress very provocatively (I am old fashioned on this one-no crop tops in my house thankyouverymuch), the social media they are all allows to use (no TikTok in my house either), and things like over-prioritization of social time and sports over family time and chores (both are important, but one more than the other is most cases-I don’t let youth sports or phone calls interfere with dinner time, sorry), and letting kids go on solo dates as early as 12 (no way).
I find myself frustrated at feeling like the only one holding the line (I know I’m not, I’m in good company-it just feels like that sometimes). I sometimes question if my morals are outdated. Motherhood certainly has a way of making one wonder constantly if their choices are the right ones, but much of this is common sense and instinct and it is when we ignore these things that we begin to get ourselves in trouble.
My own - very good father, and a father only of daughters - always believed that it was crucial to guide as strongly as possible in the pre-teen years. Later on, when one of us challenged him, or he challenged us, he would reply, "You know what we think, and why we think it - it is now for you to make a decision for yourself. All I ask is that you think it through". Invariably, we would - and usually come to our own realisation that we we were thinking/doing was not perhaps the best choice. That way, growing children have both guidance and learn discernment and how to take responsibility.
I love what your dad said after sharing his views when you were younger.
My girl is only one, so I don't have to worry about the clothes thing yet, but the AMOUNT of 14 year old girls I see walking around in what is very clearly just lingerie is extremely disturbing. I already find myself watching them thinking "not my daughter" 😂
I have these concerns too, my daughters are young adults now, but I was very clear about the differences of interpretation of outfits by other teen girls (it’s edgy!), teen boys (it’s hot!), adult women and men (it’s inappropriate at school/work), older adult women and men (it’s sleazy, this kid is not being protected by her parents) etc. reality is a thing they need to know about.
You’re not alone!!
I care because it has implications for how we are treated as females in the world. I once was a provocatively dressed teenage girl and know what those implications are intimately. So by caring about this, it is showing love.
Motherhood in fact actually requires a certain level of immodesty, within the context of love—mothers are mothers for a reason. Sexual oppression, the sort that Reich was concerned with, is not my aim. A young woman can both be modest and sexually healthy, believe it or not.
Telling a 12 year old she can’t be half naked in public because adult men and boys much older than her will sexualize her and it will inevitably hurt her and make her uncomfortable (because she is a CHILD) is not sexually repressing her. It is guiding her to a healthy relationship with sexuality.
I honestly think it is wildly inappropriate that you are referencing a psychoanalyst who believed that orgasm oppression induced character dysfunction in response to a comment about me not allowing my young child to wear crop tops. Not the same thing.
It is related to these points. Modesty is a virtue. It must be taught by an authority figure and imposed on young men and women who will then pass it down themselves when they grow up and have children. We got to this point by authority figures not wanting to burden parents with the expectation to appropriately dress their children for school and public. Adults abdicating virtue and moral teaching all the way down.
Definitely an important topic and one I've been observing since I became a mother in 1999. My husband and I noticed early on that even then, parents wanted to be their children's friends more than parents. We decided that would not be our path. We are not our kid's friends. I found Waldorf education in 2002 and through that learned that boundaries and limiting choices make for the most peaceful households. I'm not sure the Waldorf Education movement still practices the true essence of the pedagogy, because so few parents could actually pull it off even in the early aughts, but using rhythm and discipline to raise my sons made parenting meaningful and also joyful. I was the weird mom whose sons had very limited screen time until junior high, and then still didn't have smartphones or their own computers or gaming systems. They shared my computer until they were 15 and didn't get smartphones or gaming systems until they could drive a car, held a job outside of the home, and had established good grades in high school. As young adults themselves, we are all still very close. I knew we were different, but I never felt ashamed at having rules and boundaries. As my husband often says, "We need to give them something to rebel against. If anything goes, what then will they need to do to be different?"
I recall when my youngest son was in 4th grade, he had a strong aversion to several of the parents at the liberal school we attended in liberal northern California. One day, I noticed him behaving strangely when a father came out to play basketball with the kids after school. Immediately, my son left the game. I asked him why, and he said, "That dad is weird." I said, "It's good when dads play with you boys." He replied, "Yeah, but that dad doesn't play like an adult. He acts like a kid. Like he's younger than his son." I had to admit, this dad was a total Peter Pan, we were surrounded by them there, and even my 4th grader noticed his lack of adulting.
One thing I do regret is not passing down my Catholicism to my sons. This is where I too failed the test as a parent. I didn't want to give them the guilt that my own parents and school sought to put inside of my soul. I was involved with the church until they were in junior high, at which point I myself had a dark night of the soul. They are baptized, had Confession and First Communion, but when it came to Confirmation, I let them choose and they chose no. On one hand, finding your faith on your own as a young adult is very powerful, but still, I regret it a bit.
Overall, if you're starting out as a parent, it can be hard, but you must be the adult. Your personal development is the family. Trust me on this, nothing teaches you, stretches you, or enlightens you more than complete surrender to the service of parenthood. Some powerful books that changed my life: You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin and Being There by Erica Komisar. If you are Christian, there are many resources as well. I think trending back to something more strict is a good idea for all of us.
Same. And we did Waldorf. It made so many people uncomfortable that we guided thoughtfully and had limits.
I appreciate all of this comment, Madeline, and the statement of your husband struck a chord in me. My boys are 1 and 2, so we have a long way of parenting to go, and I am quite interested in the Waldorf philosophy. This is pushing me to look into it more. Thank you for the book recommendations as well!
I come from a third generation hardcore Waldorf family, and always imagined I would send my kids to Waldorf schools, but I don’t think I will anymore. Since 2020 they completely sold out, there are perhaps a few old-school schools left, but most are just standard DEI private schools. My mom was an administrator at one for a while, and from her experience I can say the parents, wanting to get their money’s worth completely overrode the teachers and the philosophy. At one point they had a petition to expel a 7th grader because he wore a thin blue line hat. (Although traditionally writing and graphics were prohibited under the dress code, but at that point having a dress code at all was obviously a thing of the past so this was just a case of pure discrimination). The curriculum and the traditions have in most schools been completely eroded and even the teachers don’t believe in them anymore. Like I said there are a few schools left that are still truly Waldorf, but you definitely cannot count on it.
The schools can be all over the place,
as far as the culture of the parent body and teachers. The pedagogy is amazing and I’ve seen some teachers be too strict and people can become inflexible. My kids went to a sweet neighborhood -in a house- Waldorf Kinder, by a trained Waldorf teacher, so I got 6 years straight, lucky me!) Then I toured the L.A. Waldorf schools and felt they’d be restrictive for my active boy (and too expensive for us, anyway)! I went to some teacher training at the Rudolf Steiner College and incorporated the beautiful stories, traditions and early education curriculum into homeschooling for two years.
Then, I was lucky enough to fall into a public alternative school that was just being created. The soon-to-be principal was a fellow parent from the Kinder. I jumped on to help and we made it Waldorf Inspired, which the district was okay with. The teachers got Waldorf supplemental training once a year, to go with their normal teacher trainings. They had way more fun and embraced the deeper meaning.
The kids got a clear childhood. They were led by the adults, not given every choice under the sun, to stress them out and magic and innocence was honored. Traditions, hand work, festivals were had. (For us, at home too). Some people left the surrounding Waldorf schools and came to ours (with constant reminders from us that it was a hybrid!) but they brought their crafts and the sweet honoring of childhood. In the older years of elementary and middle school, we just had such creative teachers that weren’t glued to Waldorf curriculum , but taught with a global perspective and used art and writing and music to infuse everything with.
We still have a waiting list every year and it’s going strong.
I so understand the value of Waldorf and how if the parents aren’t there for the right reasons , and willing to take the leap, it can ruin it. For me, the hybrid was incredible. Mostly, our neighbor teacher taught me how to parent, by watching her gentle, firm leadership. I took the beauty of it, learned a lot about parenting, and left the parts that didn’t make sense.
This is something I'm observing happening in real time where I live. The Waldorf school changed so much in 2020 that many parents started homeschooling (I did that back in the day as well) and eventually founded smaller Waldorf schools with trained teachers willing to found small Kinders which were so needed at the time. They're now morphing into something else as the kids age. But yes, it was the guidance I received as a parent in the parent-child classes that made all the difference for my parenting skills. Gentle, firm leadership honoring childhood. When you create that space, you avoid many of the issues that come up when the kids are stressed or treated like little adults because the children are comfortable in a place that meets them where they're at. Makes me want to be a parent child teacher at a Waldorf school.
Yes! Every bit of that makes a huge difference with how the kids grow up! And I’ll tell ya- I was in the classrooms nearly daily for 8 years. I did watercolor, handwork, May Festivals, ran an incredible senior citizen/kid event monthly (the most important thing I’ve ever done), I ran all the philanthropy projects, from toy drives to making blankets for homeless folks. Getting to do all of that was the highlight as an adult, for me. And it was a massive re-do for me as a bonus, from my own childhood! Yay for all of us, who are thinking deeply about this. (And now my kids are in their 20’s and they SO appreciate how they were raised!)
I wondered if this was true. I had a feeling. I worked at two Waldorf schools and both definitely sold out in 2020. They're like a different place. The parents won. Very sad. Without the pedagogy in place, Waldorf schools are just places with wooden toys and nicely painted classrooms. Not worth the money.
So sad.
Johanna, I realized I responded to the wrong person. I’m so sorry.
You don’t feel this type of intense sheltering wasn’t traumatic to your kids? Imagine the resentment and envy you might have inadvertently created.
Frankly, I think it’s dangerous to shelter to that extent. Imagine the trauma you unwittingly inflicted onto your kids.
What are you talking about?
To continue my post, I think kids are owed these things as long as the parent can afford them and they’re being encouraged to start earning their own money via completing chores and eventually getting part time jobs. If their peers can thrive with such media, I see no reason to deny them if there’s nothing pragmatic to hold back.
Wouldn’t it create resentment to deny kids of so many of the things you mentioned? Inevitably, there’ll be envy, comparisons with the other children and questions as to why you controlled to that extent.
Unironically, I’m extremely happy you didn’t pass on your Catholicism. Frankly, I don’t think children can appreciate or understand the gravity of such notions at their age. Better to let them come to their spirituality on their own terms.
I would recommend you research the neurological development of the child and the affects screens have on them. Limiting them completely from 0-3 and then introducing them a bit at a time as they meet physical milestones is crucial for proper neural development. I would look into Jonathan Haidt's work and Melanie Hempe as they provide the science behind it. Your children DO NOT need any of this tech. At all. We never had resentment and I ask them this all the time. At 25 and 23 y.o. they agree that they would raise their own kids the same way. Starting around 10, I did teach them how to code, on the shared family computer, and type. I also shared all the research I found about the links neurological development and sensory experiences as well as the research on early porn (which is the fate of every boy given a smartphone). Limiting them this way didn't cause any harm socially or academically either. One is now a particle physicist, the other a video game designer with a AAA title already under his belt at 23, even though he didn't get his own gaming system until he was 16. Anyway, being the parent might cause resentment. Tough. That's the whole point of this article. My job is to provide them with the structure needed as well as proper nutrition and housing to grow up and make their own decisions with the best possible outcomes. Good parents don't avoid conflict with their children.
Brava!!! I did the same. And now in their 20’s they’re SO grateful (and tech savvy to say the least). They’re so happy they were immersed in imagination and not screens. And they were absolutely fine with it even as kids. We talked about it. Loving boundaries that you know are for their good. They are very grateful.
I’m grateful you didn’t raise them in Catholicism at least. I mean that sincerely.
I think you and I come from very different viewpoints. That's okay. I mean that sincerely as well.
Really great piece here. I think for me, as I've aged, the answer to "why grow up? For whom?" Has become increasingly clear: You don't get a community/robust social circle unless you do the work, and that requires becoming an adult. I spent my 20s and early 30s basically not growing up — and eventually realized this was a path to loneliness. What I eventually concluded was that if no one ever steps up into the role of community "leader" (doesn't necessarily have to be formal) there is ultimately no community. So, you grow up because you owe it to the people around you, especially the ones coming up behind.
I agree with the vast majority of the article but as a middle aged mom of 2 who is very much an adult- I’m guessing you really lost many of us Gen Xers and older millennials with the dig at our complaints about emotional labor. I’m the first to admit that feminism has had its excesses, but I still remain a feminist in the sense that I staunchly believe women are made to be more than the workhorses of the world. And emotional labor complaints?
Primarily a feminist issue. What young people of your generation can’t possibly understand is that as girls, we were the first raised to truly believe that girls could do anything, BUT our brothers were not at all raised to believe that this would mean that they would have to do more. Most of us are in the workforce in addition to raising our children, and let me tell you- you simply can’t understand how tiring it is until you’ve been there. For previous generations, mothers of course did more emotional labor because by and large they were also expected to do less practical outside the home labor. But 70s and 80s girl babies? Society expected us to grow up and do it all.
So I’ll try to go back read the end of your piece with a more charitable mindset now that I’ve typed my little diatribe. :)
But mind you- being an adult is tiring. Being the ONLY true adult when less is expected of your fellow adult partner, when you have equal salaries—it’s a generational struggle for the “girls” that came before your current audience. I wouldn’t be so quick to make light of it.
All said with warm regards, tenderness and respect to you, Freya.
I hadn't even fully picked up on this point until reading this comment. The emotional labour is real, and it's a hard reality to live in sometimes. I think it's a separate issue to the core issues discussed in this piece, which is possibly why I didn't fully register it when reading. A lot of us that complain of emotional labour aren't doing so because we're not adults, we're doing so because we ARE adults - adults that were raised to believe that the dream was to 'have it all' and are now in a constant internal battle with ourselves over why having it all is sometimes so hard when its been sold as the pinnacle all our lives. Emotional labour is very much an adult woman problem, not one for a girl who has refused to grow up. It's an adult man problem, too, in that they are often part of the problem, but that's an issue for a different day 😉
Right. The author puts it in a category of “look at this way that today’s adults aren’t able to be competent adults adequately”.
But my thought is that a few decades from now, if she ever has a few kids and a husband who is averse to emotional labor, she may look back and think a bit more charitably about the hard working women she judged decades ago 😉
It’s 1000% an adult man problem in my opinion, but the complaint in the essay was not about adult men- rather, women complaining about adult mens’ behavior became the problem.
Can I also just say, I believe women amongst themselves have likely been saying this kind of thing for ages, but without the terminology of “emotional labor”. They also didn’t have the Internet—so no one except their close friends had any idea how much mothers in 1924 or 1824 or 1724 complained about their load. I think often the middle class ones just “took to bed with the vapors ” for a while instead of making snarky comments about their husbands on X.
It's also hard because society backs you up less than it used to. The school doesn't enforce a dress code, you have to go through hoops to block TV and internet because no one else is going to filter out the filth for you.
Yes, I picked up on this as well. I think the point is that it is important not to let "be an adult and take responsibilities" turn into "enable other adults to eschew responsibility". Which is what happens often when the woman takes on all responsibility in the home and for the kids. Sometimes in order to have other people (often the man) "level up" in terms of responsibility, you need to let go of some. This can be a tricky dilemma, and it is not at all the same as not wanting responsibility in general.
Hi Rebecca, Thank you for saying everything I was thinking 🙏
Wow, I love your writing. I never agree with 100% of what you write in any essay, and I really enjoy grappling with that. I find your approach to be so thoughtful and thought provoking. This one is timely for me as well, as I am just embarking on the journey of parenthood. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what it means to be the adult and to actually raise children. So, thanks!
Wow Freya, no doubt your best article so far, I consider myself lucky that my parents were and are in law enforcement, I think it's helped me understand who to trust and who not to trust.
Good essay -- I think you're right. As well, children are being (emotionally) neglected en masse in the critical first three years of development, in part because of reasons you highlight, ie the breakdown of extended family networks and support.
An interesting element is that while young people seem to not being growing up, they are also going through puberty much earlier. In a sense, they are growing up too quickly, then not growing up at all. Early puberty has many environmental causes, including nutrition and hormone disruptors, but it's also linked to poor parent-child attachment and father absence in childhood.
I go into detail on this here:
https://thecassandracomplex.substack.com/p/the-lost-girls-and-boys
Maybe some guaranteed parental leave would help with that early bonding.
Yes (and really, it should be at least 2 years) -- but even then it's really, really difficult to look after a child (let alone multiple children!) on your own. Parents need social interaction and support; it's a huge advantage to live near (or with) extended family that helps out.
I wonder if this could be something to do with being post-Christian. It has always perplexed me when Westerners brush off Muslims trying to share their views, for example about ensuring some level of modesty in your daughters, and the usual comeback is "Leave us alone, this is OUR culture!" I do understand that, there are valid reasons for not wanting to hear from outsiders, and that's true for other cultures too. But, much of what is being strongly defended is generally viewed as unfavourable, except in the West and among certain class groups within it. In Islam we value Ghayrah (protective jealousy, family-protective, possessive), Haya (modesty, shame, shyness), and lowering the gaze (Ghadd Al-basar). But you can find similar themes in Christianity. Those who do it right impart these qualities and others to their kids, and also the extended community looks out for each other. Children have responsibilities to their parents, just as parents have responsibilities to their children. When a young woman has a baby, its not unusual that the whole family pitches in for weeks. We dont dump our elderly in care homes. Parents play a huge role in teaching morals and don't leave education merely down to school teachers. Of course, not every person gets it right, and many go overboard or are too lax, but my view is much of the Western decline of the soul stems from prioritising power and individualism over faith in God. Zeroing in on the problem is a step in the right direction
This has given me an idea for a future little essay: What modern people find intolerable is not authority in general, but personal authority. Before the impersonal authority of the crowd, modern institutions, and mass media organs they are as docile as little children - and increasingly treated as such.
Thanks for this, Freya. It’s beautifully written. I often tell parents in my work to “be the parent!” I am astonished at how often they say they need permission to say no to their kids, to take an authoritative stance in the family home. I think it makes life so much harder for both parent and child.
This is why I just can't do Botox...I don't want to look old and unattractive compared to my late 30s peer group, but whats the alternative? To get Botox and send the message to my children that aging is a sad process to avoid? That my value is only in my youthfulness and not my life experiences and accrued wisdom? This societal aging denial is so sad for our youngest generations. When will we think about other people and graduate into maturity?
as a 23 year old woman who has floundered in anxiety and uncertainty my whole life, but especially the last few years as I try to figure out what i want my purpose to be, i appreciate this article greatly. no one talks about the parents who were too passive. my parents have always been too absorbed in their own lives, not having the energy (it seems to me) to get too involved in mine. also, my father has said multiple times upon me asking for guidance in life that he doesn’t believe in helping people. thinks that figuring shit out for yourself and by yourself is the best way to learn. and boy let me tell you i do not respect my father. my mother tries only barely harder out of her need for control, but doesn’t really offer any real advice, wisdom, or guidance. i can’t turn to them when im struggling and confused, i don’t have an adult to turn to
Dear Freya, what an absolutely superb article! I couldn’t agree more. I think we, the generation of parents are so afraid of being unpopular that we water down our values and shut down on our natural discernment. We are so liberal, we are basically without principle. We have become so neutral we are in danger of being empty vessels. Our sense of right and wrong is something to hide because we feel ashamed of our protective instincts and moral principles. I don’t know how this happened to us, but the question is, how does this impact our grown up and growing offspring? We wanted to smooth the way for our children because our own lives were quite hard and difficult at times. Really difficult and we suffered abuse. Not sexual abuse as such but physical and psychological abuse. But by smoothing the road what happened? Was the the lives of our children, just a semi neutral shade of gray? And character development fell by the wayside? So what could possibly be the optimal environment to grow up in? Have we cast aside the legends and myths of old like the story of Horatius defending Ancient Rome against the Etruscan Army? I do feel these classic stories did me a lot of good and stirred my emotions to honour natural justice and courage against the slings and arrows of life’s misfortune which comes for each of us sooner or later.
The shadow side of liberalism is just that, everything must be regarded as equal, although it is not in reality. Have we brainwashed ourselves into impotent neutrality?
Thank you for your thoughts. They are very much appreciated.
Keep writing, we need to have our hearts stirred with hearing exactly what we need or even yearn to hear.
Thank you again
Your work is much appreciated.
Mark 😊👍❤️
or, to paraphrase Chesterton, we've become so open-minded our brains have fallen out. I can picture the worn yellow cover of the book on my childhood bedroom shelf with Horatius at the Bridge among its stories. William Bennett's The Book of Virtues is a good reference for a slew of classics. And I concur with Madeline's comment re: Chronicles of Narnia, LOTR, Madeleine L'Engle, etc. They're classics for a reason.
Good point about the power of myth and story in the child's heart. I too was raised on great tales, including the Greek and Roman myths, as well as beautiful fairy tales and fantasy like Narnia and LOTR. I gave these things to my sons in hopes they too would feel that fire. There is right and wrong, good and bad. Neutral doesn't actually exist, even though we think it should. I wonder why that we chase that dream?