I shared my ever-changing identity on social media all throughout my teens as I navigated my trauma with sexual assault. Now, at 23, with a stable identity and healthy relationship with my sexuality, I regret ever sharing my (what was essentially) label of the month. There is such a crisis of identity for our generation (Mine being Gen Z, but honestly this is true for anyone chronically online) that we cling to labels for a semblance of self. I'm so glad someone is talking about this, it is wonderfully written. I hope young girls read this especially, and give themselves permission to figure out their identity in private, or at the very least talk about it with people you trust instead of post it to a slew of strangers.
Fab article! I recently read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and despite being 100 years old it’s so prescient. Namely, in the book there’s a disgust at citizens who do anything alone, refuse to share how they’re feeling publicly and those who do are viewed at social pariahs. He clearly saw this coming!
Rather than the dystopian warning of the dangers of technology it was intended as, Brave New World has become the blueprint of the Cult of Progress. There’s even a Brave New World marketing agency: https://bravenewworldgroup.com/.
Another excellent article, thank you, Freya. I'm from the post world war 2 generation (born 1952) and recall that very many people I knew had seen and been the victim of terrible events. Very few - too few probably - talked about their mental scars from those events but many of them talked privately amongst their friends or found ways to shut those memories away from their post-war lives. Talking can be very good but it isn't the best way for everyone and broadcasting your pain on the Internet seems to me to be potentially very damaging for one's future happiness, as you say.
Quite so, Freya. I can't believe that everyone needs to discuss their mental health -particularly not in a public forum, because that suggests that everyone is mentally ill. And that suggests that the definition is too broad and it's a natural condition that humanity go through rather than an illness.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that nobody needs help; some people obviously do and they should get the help they need and have our sympathy.
I should add that I am, by nature, a "sharer" if I get anxious or upset but I only share with very close friends.
Having said that, there was one thing which was very private to me that I never discussed with anyone until my younger daughter (she was 30 years old at the time!) came into my study when I was shedding a tear while listening to an old recording of a song. Seeing me upset worried her so I had to explain why I was feeling that way.
It was simply that the song had been written for me by the lady singing it with whom I had been very much in love but she had died in an accident when away from me with her parents over 40 years ago. I still love listening to her music but just occasionally it raises a tear or two in me - which is no bad thing all things considered. We should't expect to be happy and laughing every minute of our lives.
Excellent input Mike, the other issue is, when these people "Share" online (I am Gen-X, right behind you), they are NOT GETTING the same kind of feedback from ACTUAL friends, but instead "likes" or dislikes or whatever---sharing with ACTUAL friends, issues in private, was likely healthier and led to more honest conversations. That does not mean it was perfect, and not every friend is a psychologist, but there was a value in trauma being shared with and ONLY with people actually close to you. Nothing with this social broadcasting is real as far as the intimacy of the viewers.
Thanks, Carlos. Obviously, I agree with your views; particularly about the honest conversations beween close friends. I recall my best friend telling me at one time that I was "wallowing in self-pity" and should get off my backside and do something useful! We were still best friends afterwards, too, because I realised she was right. Indeed we're still married and together after 45 years! Of course, many younger people are hooked on social media and have thousands of "friends" on there but in too many cases, I feel, they may lack the close, personal, face-to-face friends that are needed for this sort of exchange (i.e. ones who don't just affirm your view of things but challenge them when necessary without you becoming ex- friends). I agree too that not all good friends are good confidents or "psychologists" (as you put it) but young people need to know that there are many people on the internet ready to made a good profit out of others troubles and many are not honest operators but only have their own best interests at heart.
I really liked this. I admit that at first I was sure I would disagree adamantly with what you were going to say. Opening up in my writing online was a crucial part of my recovery process. But… I was in my thirties, writing essays online, not 15 and sharing snapchats or tweets. I think opening up is a crucial part of healing - not bc we have an obligation to help erase stigma (although some of us do imo) but because it helps de stigmatize mental health in our own minds. Also, I guess I knew enough to post about the bad times when they were starting to pass. I can’t imagine posting about the bad times during the bad times and getting rejected for it. Especially as a teen.
I read a piece recently about how therapy speak online can be harmful to teens. How many kids get stressed out remembering something and call it ptsd and pathologize themselves, creating a cycle, giving away their agency and control over to a cluster of symptoms descriptive of a disease state they don’t even have.
I just deleted my social media accounts from my phone for Lent. Yours is the third piece I’ve read recently pointing to really significant dangers of social media. Maybe I won’t go back.
So in the end… I thought I would be outraged at your essay but instead I’m commending it 😝 Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
There's a fine distinction between opening up and oversharing. I don't see too many people opening up and discussing in a healthy way, more trauma-dumping and then being applauded for it. That's not a healthy way to engage with your personal struggle...
One of the best things about adulthood, for Millennials, has been the ability to re-brand ourselves every few years. We're not staying at jobs for 40 years anymore, so we have an opportunity our grandparents didn't have.
We get to switch jobs and then be more assertive, because no one knows us yet. We get to move to a new place and let go of things people used to say about us.
Re-branding yourself is an absolute treasure, and social media only gets in the way of that.
I would honestly make this Substack required reading at secondary schools each week. This message is so needed out there as an antidote to all the corporate inspired BS.
Great idea. I work with adolescents and would love to share this piece for so many reasons; in particular, the kids I work with are savvy and loathe feeling manipulated by “The Machine,” but probably aren’t aware that they are feeding the algorithm when they post information about their personal health, etc.
Also, to the author - I stumbled across this sub and LOVED this read. Amazing work.
Spot on again! It's so deeply ingrained that honest - even loving constructive criticism, sparks rage as we address the fact that this really isn't the wisest way to handle mental health issues. It's going to be interesting to watch how this pans out in a couple years time. Unfortunately, many will have to reap what they have sowed very soon, hopefully truths such as this can steer them in a better direction. Great stuff girl
I feel that all people should take pause when their suffering begins to absorb their identity. And especially when said suffering is monetized. This is the fine-line between openness about how you suffer which subsequently makes you a resource versus suffering for the sake of maintaining your identity as "the afflicted." I agree with what you have pointed out, that there are mountains of media which talk about the continual struggle of those with mental illnesses, and very little about triumph. The catalogue of videos is not a breathing memoir, documenting one's progression. It is a freezer, storing one's stilled identity in place. Furthermore, that social media conglomerates have found a way to cause problems and offer the "solution" in the same breath. I appreciate your plea for young women and girls in particular to take pause at this trend.
In my early 20s, I thought I was depressed, but it turns out I was just sad about the transitions to life after college, etc. I shared so much on social media and when I see my FB memories, it’s so cringe. At the time, I just didn’t have the right words for it.
I’ve stopped sharing online. It’s relieved a lot of the pressure in my mind about how to frame my experiences for a post. I also don’t miss the awful feeling of people judging me after I’ve been vulnerable, or even just disagreeing with me after I’ve shared. Sharing invites comment and I’ve realized that my life is MY life. I absolutely agree about not wanting to record highs and lows for the internet to catalog. My wellness ebbs and flows and I do not want to be reminded of or defined by my lowest points.
So, in all fairness to TikTok (I recently made an account there), it's actually set up to where you put in your age and the algorithm keeps you limited to people within your age range - so, adults pretty much exclusively see content made by other adults (in my couple months on the app, I have only ever seen content made by users age 30+).
So, I suspect this guy is probably talking to an older demographic that's similar to his age (hopefully). Still, I totally agree that even us adults need to focus on building real-life support systems and not sharing every painful detail of our lives online. But that's especially true if any kids are somehow viewing that content. It really does end up becoming a race to the bottom where people are almost competing for traumatic stories to share. It becomes part of their identity online (and off), which is not good.
I'm a millennial and was initially very private on social media, but started opening up about mental health and health problems on Twitter after some friends "encouraged" me to (and partially because I disagreed with a lot of mental health activism and wanted to push back against it and you get in crap for doing that if you don't include your own problems) ... this was a mistake. "Mental health" community sprung up around me online, and while it initially felt good to commiserate, I started to get uncomfortable ... and finally I voiced my concern to friend who worked in mental health. "I think they WANT me to be sick." He agreed. Shortly afterward, I hero-dosed magic mushrooms and made a ton of lifestyle changes, got rid of a toxic boyfriend and started dating someone a lot better, and my physical and mental health improved. When I posted about this, happy, I started losing followers and got very little engagement. They wanted me to be sick. So I deleted Twitter, and dedicated myself to healing as much as possible ...
That's what scares me about these online "mental health" communities (and the same goes for all chronic illness etc communities) ... they WANT people to be sick. They don't want you to get better. If you're better, then you aren't part of their cult. If you want to get better, it's internalized ableism. They don't want to hear that getting better is possible, that diet makes a difference, that relationships make a difference, that sunlight and exercise make a difference, or that sometimes a really big dose of magic mushrooms can pull you straight out of the darkness and a decline into chronic illness (the mushrooms, among other things, cured the migraines I'd suffered from since I was a toddler -- I haven't had one since the spring of 2020 before getting into mushrooms). I even saw one influencer write a piece calling healing narratives "violence". It's insanity.
I've got a complicated relationship with social media. On one hand, I love how it's connected us with like-minded people from all corners of the globe and made it a breeze for artists and creators to share their work freely—at least initially. But as each year goes by, these platforms seem to get more aggressive, pushing everyone to keep creating and engaging just to grow and 'stay relevant.' Seeing family and friends take mental health, relationship, and financial advice, or even take in fake news from just anyone on social media worries me. What will our future look like? As long as you have enough money, power, and resources, you can steer the social media conversation any way you want. Nowadays, people are bombarded with so much content that hardly anyone stops to question what they're consuming with a critical eye. It's frightening to think about where this could all lead, but it's important that we do and that we begin to propose solutions. Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!
I shared my ever-changing identity on social media all throughout my teens as I navigated my trauma with sexual assault. Now, at 23, with a stable identity and healthy relationship with my sexuality, I regret ever sharing my (what was essentially) label of the month. There is such a crisis of identity for our generation (Mine being Gen Z, but honestly this is true for anyone chronically online) that we cling to labels for a semblance of self. I'm so glad someone is talking about this, it is wonderfully written. I hope young girls read this especially, and give themselves permission to figure out their identity in private, or at the very least talk about it with people you trust instead of post it to a slew of strangers.
Fab article! I recently read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley and despite being 100 years old it’s so prescient. Namely, in the book there’s a disgust at citizens who do anything alone, refuse to share how they’re feeling publicly and those who do are viewed at social pariahs. He clearly saw this coming!
Rather than the dystopian warning of the dangers of technology it was intended as, Brave New World has become the blueprint of the Cult of Progress. There’s even a Brave New World marketing agency: https://bravenewworldgroup.com/.
Oh the irony of that marketing agency specialising in luxury, read unnecessary, products…thank you for bringing this to my attention
The irony of sharing depressed day in the life videos on an app that’s likely responsible for the depression!
Another excellent article, thank you, Freya. I'm from the post world war 2 generation (born 1952) and recall that very many people I knew had seen and been the victim of terrible events. Very few - too few probably - talked about their mental scars from those events but many of them talked privately amongst their friends or found ways to shut those memories away from their post-war lives. Talking can be very good but it isn't the best way for everyone and broadcasting your pain on the Internet seems to me to be potentially very damaging for one's future happiness, as you say.
Thanks so much Mike. Exactly, we're swinging too far in the other direction now.
Quite so, Freya. I can't believe that everyone needs to discuss their mental health -particularly not in a public forum, because that suggests that everyone is mentally ill. And that suggests that the definition is too broad and it's a natural condition that humanity go through rather than an illness.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that nobody needs help; some people obviously do and they should get the help they need and have our sympathy.
I should add that I am, by nature, a "sharer" if I get anxious or upset but I only share with very close friends.
Having said that, there was one thing which was very private to me that I never discussed with anyone until my younger daughter (she was 30 years old at the time!) came into my study when I was shedding a tear while listening to an old recording of a song. Seeing me upset worried her so I had to explain why I was feeling that way.
It was simply that the song had been written for me by the lady singing it with whom I had been very much in love but she had died in an accident when away from me with her parents over 40 years ago. I still love listening to her music but just occasionally it raises a tear or two in me - which is no bad thing all things considered. We should't expect to be happy and laughing every minute of our lives.
Excellent input Mike, the other issue is, when these people "Share" online (I am Gen-X, right behind you), they are NOT GETTING the same kind of feedback from ACTUAL friends, but instead "likes" or dislikes or whatever---sharing with ACTUAL friends, issues in private, was likely healthier and led to more honest conversations. That does not mean it was perfect, and not every friend is a psychologist, but there was a value in trauma being shared with and ONLY with people actually close to you. Nothing with this social broadcasting is real as far as the intimacy of the viewers.
Thanks, Carlos. Obviously, I agree with your views; particularly about the honest conversations beween close friends. I recall my best friend telling me at one time that I was "wallowing in self-pity" and should get off my backside and do something useful! We were still best friends afterwards, too, because I realised she was right. Indeed we're still married and together after 45 years! Of course, many younger people are hooked on social media and have thousands of "friends" on there but in too many cases, I feel, they may lack the close, personal, face-to-face friends that are needed for this sort of exchange (i.e. ones who don't just affirm your view of things but challenge them when necessary without you becoming ex- friends). I agree too that not all good friends are good confidents or "psychologists" (as you put it) but young people need to know that there are many people on the internet ready to made a good profit out of others troubles and many are not honest operators but only have their own best interests at heart.
I really liked this. I admit that at first I was sure I would disagree adamantly with what you were going to say. Opening up in my writing online was a crucial part of my recovery process. But… I was in my thirties, writing essays online, not 15 and sharing snapchats or tweets. I think opening up is a crucial part of healing - not bc we have an obligation to help erase stigma (although some of us do imo) but because it helps de stigmatize mental health in our own minds. Also, I guess I knew enough to post about the bad times when they were starting to pass. I can’t imagine posting about the bad times during the bad times and getting rejected for it. Especially as a teen.
I read a piece recently about how therapy speak online can be harmful to teens. How many kids get stressed out remembering something and call it ptsd and pathologize themselves, creating a cycle, giving away their agency and control over to a cluster of symptoms descriptive of a disease state they don’t even have.
I just deleted my social media accounts from my phone for Lent. Yours is the third piece I’ve read recently pointing to really significant dangers of social media. Maybe I won’t go back.
So in the end… I thought I would be outraged at your essay but instead I’m commending it 😝 Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
What are the other two pieces that have sway you to delete social media for lent? I’d love to read them, if you don’t mind sharing!
I wish I remembered. I don’t have links to them. If I come across them again I will share them with you.
There's a fine distinction between opening up and oversharing. I don't see too many people opening up and discussing in a healthy way, more trauma-dumping and then being applauded for it. That's not a healthy way to engage with your personal struggle...
One of the best things about adulthood, for Millennials, has been the ability to re-brand ourselves every few years. We're not staying at jobs for 40 years anymore, so we have an opportunity our grandparents didn't have.
We get to switch jobs and then be more assertive, because no one knows us yet. We get to move to a new place and let go of things people used to say about us.
Re-branding yourself is an absolute treasure, and social media only gets in the way of that.
Lovely post
I would honestly make this Substack required reading at secondary schools each week. This message is so needed out there as an antidote to all the corporate inspired BS.
Great idea. I work with adolescents and would love to share this piece for so many reasons; in particular, the kids I work with are savvy and loathe feeling manipulated by “The Machine,” but probably aren’t aware that they are feeding the algorithm when they post information about their personal health, etc.
Also, to the author - I stumbled across this sub and LOVED this read. Amazing work.
Spot on again! It's so deeply ingrained that honest - even loving constructive criticism, sparks rage as we address the fact that this really isn't the wisest way to handle mental health issues. It's going to be interesting to watch how this pans out in a couple years time. Unfortunately, many will have to reap what they have sowed very soon, hopefully truths such as this can steer them in a better direction. Great stuff girl
I feel that all people should take pause when their suffering begins to absorb their identity. And especially when said suffering is monetized. This is the fine-line between openness about how you suffer which subsequently makes you a resource versus suffering for the sake of maintaining your identity as "the afflicted." I agree with what you have pointed out, that there are mountains of media which talk about the continual struggle of those with mental illnesses, and very little about triumph. The catalogue of videos is not a breathing memoir, documenting one's progression. It is a freezer, storing one's stilled identity in place. Furthermore, that social media conglomerates have found a way to cause problems and offer the "solution" in the same breath. I appreciate your plea for young women and girls in particular to take pause at this trend.
In my early 20s, I thought I was depressed, but it turns out I was just sad about the transitions to life after college, etc. I shared so much on social media and when I see my FB memories, it’s so cringe. At the time, I just didn’t have the right words for it.
I’ve stopped sharing online. It’s relieved a lot of the pressure in my mind about how to frame my experiences for a post. I also don’t miss the awful feeling of people judging me after I’ve been vulnerable, or even just disagreeing with me after I’ve shared. Sharing invites comment and I’ve realized that my life is MY life. I absolutely agree about not wanting to record highs and lows for the internet to catalog. My wellness ebbs and flows and I do not want to be reminded of or defined by my lowest points.
So, in all fairness to TikTok (I recently made an account there), it's actually set up to where you put in your age and the algorithm keeps you limited to people within your age range - so, adults pretty much exclusively see content made by other adults (in my couple months on the app, I have only ever seen content made by users age 30+).
So, I suspect this guy is probably talking to an older demographic that's similar to his age (hopefully). Still, I totally agree that even us adults need to focus on building real-life support systems and not sharing every painful detail of our lives online. But that's especially true if any kids are somehow viewing that content. It really does end up becoming a race to the bottom where people are almost competing for traumatic stories to share. It becomes part of their identity online (and off), which is not good.
I hate seeing people trauma dumping on tiktok or in their comments
I'm a millennial and was initially very private on social media, but started opening up about mental health and health problems on Twitter after some friends "encouraged" me to (and partially because I disagreed with a lot of mental health activism and wanted to push back against it and you get in crap for doing that if you don't include your own problems) ... this was a mistake. "Mental health" community sprung up around me online, and while it initially felt good to commiserate, I started to get uncomfortable ... and finally I voiced my concern to friend who worked in mental health. "I think they WANT me to be sick." He agreed. Shortly afterward, I hero-dosed magic mushrooms and made a ton of lifestyle changes, got rid of a toxic boyfriend and started dating someone a lot better, and my physical and mental health improved. When I posted about this, happy, I started losing followers and got very little engagement. They wanted me to be sick. So I deleted Twitter, and dedicated myself to healing as much as possible ...
That's what scares me about these online "mental health" communities (and the same goes for all chronic illness etc communities) ... they WANT people to be sick. They don't want you to get better. If you're better, then you aren't part of their cult. If you want to get better, it's internalized ableism. They don't want to hear that getting better is possible, that diet makes a difference, that relationships make a difference, that sunlight and exercise make a difference, or that sometimes a really big dose of magic mushrooms can pull you straight out of the darkness and a decline into chronic illness (the mushrooms, among other things, cured the migraines I'd suffered from since I was a toddler -- I haven't had one since the spring of 2020 before getting into mushrooms). I even saw one influencer write a piece calling healing narratives "violence". It's insanity.
I've got a complicated relationship with social media. On one hand, I love how it's connected us with like-minded people from all corners of the globe and made it a breeze for artists and creators to share their work freely—at least initially. But as each year goes by, these platforms seem to get more aggressive, pushing everyone to keep creating and engaging just to grow and 'stay relevant.' Seeing family and friends take mental health, relationship, and financial advice, or even take in fake news from just anyone on social media worries me. What will our future look like? As long as you have enough money, power, and resources, you can steer the social media conversation any way you want. Nowadays, people are bombarded with so much content that hardly anyone stops to question what they're consuming with a critical eye. It's frightening to think about where this could all lead, but it's important that we do and that we begin to propose solutions. Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!