187 Comments

I'm a millennial dating a gen-z girl, and all of her friends are like what you're describing. They're either afraid of dating altogether, or they're commitment-phobic, or they think they have to accept "ethical non-monogamy" or some nonsense. My being a normal, mentally-balanced, employed man who knows what gender he is apparently puts me in the top tier.

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Jan 2·edited Feb 6

While I think I agree with the sentiment here i think one major reason why it's in the realm of love that people are most cautious is that the sexual revolution has removed all the safe guards in this space. Many of the the issues described above around relationships are typical trauma responses of women of rape/sexual assault.

It's common for survivors of rape/sexual assault to either fall into promiscuity or to choose to be single perpetually. This doesn't mean this is the correct response long term but it is a natural response to arguably one of the most traumatic things someone can go through.

Similar issues can arise as you mentioned from other traumas such as divorce and also people can be traumatised secondarily by learning of a friend or loved one who has been raped/sexually assaulted.

It seems to me that unless people are able to both face reality after these events as well as find spaces where the threat of them is reduced it won't be likely that people will move beyond them. It should be noted that around 70% of rapes/sexual assaults occur for to people under the age of 17 (https://www.indianaprevention.org/child-abuse-statistics#:~:text=Nearly%2070%25%20of%20all%20reported,victims%20never%20report%20their%20abuse) which means that this is damaging women when they are still very young and often during the early years of their experience of developing romantic relationships. A time historically in which they would have been strongly protected from sexual encounters and therefore reducing their chances of long term sexual trauma and so future difficulties forming romantic relationships

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I recently met two intelligent young women who have successful careers at BigTech companies, and who were committed to single life. They confirmed that most of their co-workers were similarly disinterested in relationships. They felt that sharing life with someone else carried to many risks, too many disappointments, and if they had children they would have to give up their bodies. A sad, lonely life prospect indeed…

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PSA: the survey mentioned here that found “almost 45% of men aged 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person.”, was conducted from Twitter from a Twitter account that posts about dating topics usually about men. That guy has been trying to pass off his extremely biased sample surveys as trustworthy, don’t fall for it, it’s not even remotely representative.

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That "intense chemistry" tweet is something else. Sorry, that's not a red flag that's millions of years of evolution screaming at you to fuck like rabbits.

Great piece!

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I wonder if some of this stems from the fact that younger folks want connections but are afraid to admit it? This makes it easier to cancel plans and flex what an introvert you are.

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I think a lot of the article resonates and there are lots of good points, but what's ignored is 1) an increase in Gen Z not wanting kids for climate change reasons 2) the cost of having kids, especially when it's increasingly impossible to be able to own a home and 3) not wanting to sacrifice a more comfortable and in-control lifestyle, especially when home labour and raising kids is gendered, with women often doing more of the work when they're in hetero relationships. Also important to note that, especially in our digital media age with young men increasingly being unaware of what a healthy relationship looks like, dating can be a bloody awful time for a young woman.

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I blame porn.

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the article: 🙌

the comments: 🤢

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It’s not social media is ruining us, it’s femmes understanding and rejecting basic disrespectful and abusive relationships with men as our only option. It’s us actuality communicating directly with each other, learning together, warning each other with care, so we don’t get ruined by men. Being single or divorced or not dating is not a failure when we understand that being in love with men is far from the only claim we can have for a fulfilling loving and satisfying life.

There are so many risks that can lead to much higher rewards than the one where we risk everything for a man. It’s not risk aversion. It’s us taking smarter risks.

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Thank god I am not dating today and I've been in a committed relationship for 19 years. I got lucky and found someone who's in it with me thick and thin. Anyway people forget relationships promote growth between two people. Or is that way of thinking old fashioned? I am Gen-X after all

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Jan 3Liked by Freya India

We need to bring back the Victorian saying, "Faint heart never won fair lady.

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Thankfully I dated during the real sexual revolution. None of us did all the mind fucking going on now. I called guys, asked them out, picked them up, had sex without twisting my brain in a knot and it worked. I wasn't worried about someone rejecting me and yes it hurt but I moved on full force! Hey do this while you have youth on your side for pities sake. Take a chance while your cheeks glow and before menoipause sucks the color off them and you call sex "Sandpaper sex" Get out there already. At my age it's impossible to find love, lust, chemistry. Most importantly in the end find someone who makes you laugh....that's real chemistry and longevity. TAKE A CHANCE

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Thank you for writing this! Risk is part of live, of being alive as you say. And uncertainty can be so thrilling! Its not always negative

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I am glad I didn't grow up in your generation. But, it's nice to see someone recognize being afraid of things like talking on the phone is a bit over the top:)

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Jan 4Liked by Freya India

I think it's also that situationships inevitably hurt women's feelings. But they have to pretend that they don't and that they actually prefer this mode of dating and thus all the "empowering" advice about how not to catch feelings.

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