I'm So Sick Of The Gender Divide
I’m starting to suspect it’s all a front to avoid getting hurt

Why do young men and women seem so divided? Gen Z are going on far fewer dates than previous generations. We are having less sex. A lot of us feel lonely. Those who do date seem to get stuck in vague situationships. Both sexes seem utterly disillusioned with the modern dating market, with men losing trust in women and young women expressing utter disdain for men.
There are many reasons for this, I think. Dating apps teach us to treat each other like disposable commodities. Hookup culture hinders romance and commitment. Social media rewards self-absorption. Porn warps our expectations. And behind all these are powerful profit motives, with billion-dollar industries depending on us being lonely and detached consumers.
But something I think is seriously driving young men and women apart and making dating even more difficult is everyone talking about dating online. All the advice, warnings, red flags, relationship rules and just general gender discourse. I try not to spend much time on Twitter and avoid this sort of thing and yet I’m so sick of seeing endless stereotypes, generalisations, even visceral hatred of the opposite sex. All modern women are selfish, clueless, stupid, woke gold-diggers, apparently! All men, meanwhile, are trash, toxic, manipulative, cheating assholes!
Of course there’s always been sexism, stereotypes and men and women misunderstanding each other. But Gen Z is the first to grow up with this machine, this insatiable technological machine which feeds off and profits from that division. We have algorithms that categorise us by gender and funnel us targeted content. We have forums that become breeding grounds for bitterness and resentment. We have influencers cashing in on their contempt of men or women. And so every fear, concern or difference between us gets exaggerated, distorted, and made into something more monetisable.
There’s the manosphere influencers, for example, who take genuine concerns men have about purpose, meaning and masculinity and trivialise them into TikToks about Bugattis and body counts. There’s the feminists who take valid concerns women have about sexual assault and abuse and cheapen them into men are trash! mantras and TikToks vilifying all men, marriage and commitment. And then there’s all the dating podcasts and channels pretending to give advice but really just reminding us over and over that Modern Women Are Insane! or We Don’t Need Men! Scroll through dating TikTok and you’ll find female influencers teaching girls how to manipulate men and avoid catching feelings. Then male dating coaches talking about tricking women and why females should never be trusted. Be an independent girlboss, girls are told; “men are useless”! Be a lone alpha male, boys are told; "men don’t need women!"
Because that’s what these platforms do: they reward divisive content, they stoke competition, they pull us apart bit by bit, tweet by tweet, TikTok by TikTok. Nuanced, thoughtful opinions get shredded into hot takes. Complex gender differences devolve into stupid caricatures. And because the most extreme voices get the most engagement, we end up living in the world of the loudest, most narcissistic, and probably most hurt among us — until our feeds are full of the most unhinged takes, until men and women are further apart in values and worldviews than ever before, and the divide feels uncrossable.
And sure, it’s easy to dismiss all this as just Twitter and TikTok. But these are the sorts of places Gen Z spends an average of 10.6 hours a day. All these tweets, posts and podcasts about what men want and what women are like and who has it worse, even for those of us who can see through it and scroll past it, it gets in our heads, gets in our subconscious, makes us think about the opposite sex like some kind of adversary. Which is worrying for everyone. But especially worrying for teens and pre-teens flooded with it in their most vulnerable, formative years, before they’ve had any real experience of the world and each other. Before they’ve even tried to trust someone.
Because one thing is for certain: constantly consuming shallow, clickbait relationship content won’t make Gen Z any wiser or better at avoiding heartbreak. We’ll just be lonely and paranoid. Sure some of this advice might be valuable, but try connecting with someone and having that spark when your head is spinning with never trust women! never trust a man! and all these different checklists drilled into you about their height, clothes, hair, body count, income, tattoos, exes, even how they stand.
For young girls and boys: I don’t have much relationship advice. But I’m pretty sure a good starting point is to see someone as a person. Of course it’s important to be cautious and have high standards, but I think you close yourself off from real love and empathy if you get in the habit of categorising everyone as high value and low value like they are products on a market. Or see them as part of an evil cabal of all men, or delusional modern women. Most important is how they treat you. How they treat others. And here’s the truth: no amount of red flag TikToks or warnings against Western women! will protect you from hurt. Love is scary; people are flawed. And actually, the more I see people double down on this, putting on a total feminist girlboss I hate men persona or an alpha male we don’t need women act, the more I’m starting to suspect it’s a front to avoid getting hurt: a convenient, monetisable way to avoid pain, rejection, complexity, and taking the terrifying step of trusting someone. Don’t listen to them.
Because we do need each other. Yes, it’s hard to find something real and meaningful in the modern world, but there are good men and women out there, trying their best, worth getting to know and trust. And I’m sick of being told otherwise. If we’re looking for real understanding of one another, we will not find it this way. Not through constant stereotyping and strategising. Not on platforms that profit from pulling us apart. Or from internet personalities chasing cheap clicks. The truth, terrifying as it might seem, is we will only find it in each other.
What would fix this? Getting off these devices and meeting as humans.
Parents! Your child does not need a smart phone. Period. This is insanity.
Young people, get together, have parties, go shopping, take walks, join sports ...get OFF the screen. Live.
Amen.
I think it's normal for single folks to be a bit annoyed by the opposite sex. We want to make it work with them so badly. Yet they keep acting in ways that don't fit our expectations and foil our plans, for reason's inscrutable or even blameworthy to us.
That leads to what I'd consider the normal grousing about relationships and the opposite sex many folks engage in. It's the equivalent of letting off steam about your job and boss (another relationship fraught with such dynamics) at happy hour. You don't want to let it consume you or to take your complaints too seriously, but acknowledging the frustrations of the human condition is normal and usually healthy.
The inability of many folks today to do this or maintain this perspective is sad and amazing, and calamitous for too many people for all the reasons you say. I'm astounded by how much basically normal behavior - what I'd consider annoying or frustrating and worth grousing about but nothing more - is pathologized online.
It's not that he's not that interested and busy; he let things die and stopping chatting or calling you because he is a narcissist, and his misleading behavior is a form or abuse or assault.
It's not that she was not that into you and so ended the night early but gracefully after dinner with an excuse and peck on the cheek; she is part of a conspiracy to steal resources from decent men like you while always intending to cheat or leave for a tall a-hole - a form of fraud and, really, theft by deception that should be criminalized, and until it is should lead you to never marry or believe in love.
Holy heck everyone. Not everyone's a sociopath or narcissist, and every action that hurts you is not abuse. The behavior you're making a federal case (or at least YouTube video or Tik-Tok) about is not evil, a sign of mental illness, or a worrying trait of a predator or serial offender whom you must stop.
So many of us are learning wrong lessons and building mental models for behavior that is just not there or more readily explained by less sinister, even innocent motives; in adopting those perspectives (and spreading them in Facebook groups dedicated to informing women when they're dating the same guy but too often devolve into displays for ex's dirty laundry - or in the guy's equivalent group chats and message boards),
we're just indulging our worst impulses as unhappy or jilted lovers and blowing our own issues out of proportion, to everyone's detriment.
reasons
It's sad and amazing how much