Put the Phone down.Go for a walk in nature and see beauty and grandeur.Do something for someone other than yourself and don’t tell anyone.Go to three church services and write down what you learn but share it only with yourself.Read a non self help book.Call someone in your family (the older the better) just to check on them and don’t talk about yourself.Do these simple things for a month and I dare say most would feel better personally.Stop living performing and just start living.
I'm a parent to a GenZer and one thing I noticed very early on when she was a baby- was the vast majority of parents carried their babies around in car seats without even picking the baby up-- from car to church to grocery store etc. These babies didn't cry but something seemed very off to me. They seemed disengaged, resigned to their lot. I always wondered how this would affect them later in life.
When you started, I had a pretty strong reaction against what you were saying about all of these positive outcomes of being religious. But once I got curious about that reaction and kept going with the episode, I found it very interesting. Lots of great information, and a really NEEDED take on how all this turning inward is stopping us from building community. Love it. Glad you’re bringing this out into the open. I know many people will have a similar reaction to my initial one, but we need to keep having deeper conversations about therapy culture and its less helpful aspects.
The therapists I showed this to agree. They even went on to say, "Most therapy doesn't teach you to care for others." "It puts you in a bubble. " "Labels do more harm than good." They're also tired of hearing how "attachment styles" and "traumas" are thrown around in mainstream culture. Since social media influences mainstream cultures, it's hyper-individualistic and feeds off narcissistic tendencies.
"I need to focus on myself" is the most common phrase I've heard from women in recent years. Some only want to have sex until too many emotions get involved. Others will try a relationship until commitment requires being there for the other person. Many view men as a problem rather than a feeling human to grow with.
I tend to ruminate and reflect as women do in our culture, so I'm not one to talk about gender differences. The differences between sexes are small if you've stripped away some cultural constructs that influence gender. Yet, we're cultural beings, and although the obsession with self influences mental health in all genders, I've noticed that the "we don't need men" attitude has caused a lack of commitment, disloyalty, and emptiness.
We cannot learn about ourselves alone. Every relationship can act as a mirror, allowing you to learn more about your internal and external worlds simultaneously. Improving yourself shouldn't come at the cost of others. In fact, being there for others and showing loyalty and compassion improves the self.
Luckily, not all therapists are tools of therapy culture. Although the norm is to have clients stuck in a cycle of rumination, some aren't afraid to give advice and practical tools. I believe in dialectical behaviour therapy, cognitive behaviour therapy, and somatic therapy, especially when it's done with the right therapist. We have to make sure we don't confuse the positive effects of treatment with therapist culture.
I agree with most of what was said in the talk, but saying therapy culture is a replacement for religion without expectations of religion ignores the mental health and societal problems religion causes related to the suppression of identity, feelings of guilt & shame, exclusion and stigmatization, and so on. It's also an oversimplification to say that conservatives have a more local focus on control. This is similar to the flawed logic Jordon Peterson uses when talking about the Big-five correlations--liberals are often more open, conservatives are more conscious, and so on. These are correlations that ignore other factors. While therapy and religion both serve as frameworks for individuals to find meaning and cope with existential struggles, equating them ignores the nuanced ways both can be sources of distress or growth, depending on the context.
I saw you on this podcast today for the first time, and I was truly surprised by how composed you are. Your calmness and intellect set a great example for women. Keep it up!
Hi! I'm new to your work, but I just came here to tell you I really enjoyed your conversation on Modern Wisdom. You did great :) Looking forward to any book updates
Loved this , made me think (as a 50year old Dad of a 20 year old young woman ) - I’m doing ok and more importantly so is my girl. She’s been through it and had to manage a pretty toxic family breakup very early on in her life, but we always kept our connection key. I always prioritised her wellbeing and ensured our connection was real and I’m really pleased I was also able to maintain a father figure ( authoritative) role in her life.
Eye opening to hear what you talk about on my generations lack of parenting and not far off the mark either in my experience
Seeing Freya and Chris talking together has set me thinking about our kids. We have 2 girls and 2 boys. All in their 20s now. Watching them grow up, set goals and their subsequent actions to achieve them, I've tried to understand this process so as to help them out.
I've come up with 2 words: intentionality and agency. Just now I asked AI to define them: "intentionality is the mental "arrow" pointing toward objects or goals, whereas agency is the capacity to pull the bowstring and release that arrow into the world."
I'm not sure that this is precisely describing our kids. What I can say is that the girls seem more directed from within, whereas the boys are more anticipating external rewards. Is this a gendered thing or just coincidence? I'm their Dad, btw.
Fantastic as always Freya. There was a part of me that hoped this episode was the beginning of some epic romance between you two but that’s just my attachment syndrome trying to match make everyone.
Put the Phone down.Go for a walk in nature and see beauty and grandeur.Do something for someone other than yourself and don’t tell anyone.Go to three church services and write down what you learn but share it only with yourself.Read a non self help book.Call someone in your family (the older the better) just to check on them and don’t talk about yourself.Do these simple things for a month and I dare say most would feel better personally.Stop living performing and just start living.
I'm a parent to a GenZer and one thing I noticed very early on when she was a baby- was the vast majority of parents carried their babies around in car seats without even picking the baby up-- from car to church to grocery store etc. These babies didn't cry but something seemed very off to me. They seemed disengaged, resigned to their lot. I always wondered how this would affect them later in life.
I've never thought of that. Very interesting point ! Human touch is critical !
When you started, I had a pretty strong reaction against what you were saying about all of these positive outcomes of being religious. But once I got curious about that reaction and kept going with the episode, I found it very interesting. Lots of great information, and a really NEEDED take on how all this turning inward is stopping us from building community. Love it. Glad you’re bringing this out into the open. I know many people will have a similar reaction to my initial one, but we need to keep having deeper conversations about therapy culture and its less helpful aspects.
Aw thank you Alex!
The therapists I showed this to agree. They even went on to say, "Most therapy doesn't teach you to care for others." "It puts you in a bubble. " "Labels do more harm than good." They're also tired of hearing how "attachment styles" and "traumas" are thrown around in mainstream culture. Since social media influences mainstream cultures, it's hyper-individualistic and feeds off narcissistic tendencies.
"I need to focus on myself" is the most common phrase I've heard from women in recent years. Some only want to have sex until too many emotions get involved. Others will try a relationship until commitment requires being there for the other person. Many view men as a problem rather than a feeling human to grow with.
I tend to ruminate and reflect as women do in our culture, so I'm not one to talk about gender differences. The differences between sexes are small if you've stripped away some cultural constructs that influence gender. Yet, we're cultural beings, and although the obsession with self influences mental health in all genders, I've noticed that the "we don't need men" attitude has caused a lack of commitment, disloyalty, and emptiness.
We cannot learn about ourselves alone. Every relationship can act as a mirror, allowing you to learn more about your internal and external worlds simultaneously. Improving yourself shouldn't come at the cost of others. In fact, being there for others and showing loyalty and compassion improves the self.
Luckily, not all therapists are tools of therapy culture. Although the norm is to have clients stuck in a cycle of rumination, some aren't afraid to give advice and practical tools. I believe in dialectical behaviour therapy, cognitive behaviour therapy, and somatic therapy, especially when it's done with the right therapist. We have to make sure we don't confuse the positive effects of treatment with therapist culture.
I agree with most of what was said in the talk, but saying therapy culture is a replacement for religion without expectations of religion ignores the mental health and societal problems religion causes related to the suppression of identity, feelings of guilt & shame, exclusion and stigmatization, and so on. It's also an oversimplification to say that conservatives have a more local focus on control. This is similar to the flawed logic Jordon Peterson uses when talking about the Big-five correlations--liberals are often more open, conservatives are more conscious, and so on. These are correlations that ignore other factors. While therapy and religion both serve as frameworks for individuals to find meaning and cope with existential struggles, equating them ignores the nuanced ways both can be sources of distress or growth, depending on the context.
I listen to pretty much every episode of Modern Wisdom.
Stuck this one on this morning for my commute after reading Gurwinder’s post and it was one of my favourite episodes for a while.
Nice work Freya!
Wow thank you Lewis, that means a lot!
I saw you on this podcast today for the first time, and I was truly surprised by how composed you are. Your calmness and intellect set a great example for women. Keep it up!
Aw that’s so lovely of you to say, thank you!
Hi! I'm new to your work, but I just came here to tell you I really enjoyed your conversation on Modern Wisdom. You did great :) Looking forward to any book updates
Aw thank you Sofia :)
Loving it Freya, amazing as always.
Amazing listen 🙏🏼thank you
I’m feel so seen and heard 🫶🏼 thank you for your work and willingness to share in the open!
Thank you Catherine!! ❤️
Half way through it and you're always the poised, far above your age, elucidate.
Credit to Chris, he's a great host, but he's out of his depth with this one. You're well ahead of your years.
Loved this , made me think (as a 50year old Dad of a 20 year old young woman ) - I’m doing ok and more importantly so is my girl. She’s been through it and had to manage a pretty toxic family breakup very early on in her life, but we always kept our connection key. I always prioritised her wellbeing and ensured our connection was real and I’m really pleased I was also able to maintain a father figure ( authoritative) role in her life.
Eye opening to hear what you talk about on my generations lack of parenting and not far off the mark either in my experience
Thanks India
This was so insightful, and I really enjoyed it. so refreshing!!!
I came to substack for you after listening to this podcast. Look forward to more updates and insights from you! 😃
Seeing Freya and Chris talking together has set me thinking about our kids. We have 2 girls and 2 boys. All in their 20s now. Watching them grow up, set goals and their subsequent actions to achieve them, I've tried to understand this process so as to help them out.
I've come up with 2 words: intentionality and agency. Just now I asked AI to define them: "intentionality is the mental "arrow" pointing toward objects or goals, whereas agency is the capacity to pull the bowstring and release that arrow into the world."
I'm not sure that this is precisely describing our kids. What I can say is that the girls seem more directed from within, whereas the boys are more anticipating external rewards. Is this a gendered thing or just coincidence? I'm their Dad, btw.
Damn. I saw your previous post covers agency, and started reading, though will finish later.
Fantastic as always Freya. There was a part of me that hoped this episode was the beginning of some epic romance between you two but that’s just my attachment syndrome trying to match make everyone.