Great advice in this interview. It reminded me of Eliot's "The Hollow Men", a poem that was very influential to me. As I've gotten older the distinction becomes obvious between my acquaintances who feel strong passions in life, versus those who chart only the safe course.
Today's culture on college campuses and workplaces is unforgiving toward mistakes of a certain kind. So some of this risk aversion is rational these days. I feel fortunate to have grown up when there was more freedom to do crazy things and make mistakes.
Brilliant. I’ve come to believe that our feminine cultural script of individualism, material priorities, psychological subjectivity, and magical thinking has created a situation where the old norms of monogamous dating no longer apply.
Men’s irresponsibility and reluctance to commit interacts with this… but doesn’t create it. This is a women’s issue - probably the gravest of our time.
I agreed with much of what Rusty had to say. But his criticism of older New Yorkers, especially women 'dressed like teenagers' struck me as misogynistic. Some people like fashion. Others like football. So what? I think the comment tells us more about the writer than it does about those youthful New Yorkers.
This was great Freya, loved the Professor's story of the 34 year old Grandma reminded me of my Great Grandma born in 1922, had my Grandma in 1945 who had my dad in 1964, so a Grandmother at only 42.
Very powerful article. I sent it to my son, who is 28. We are never going to be perfect, we are never going to be safe. I really appreciated the discussion on sloth, and how it was regarded in ancient Greece, and the connotation now. Being in 12 step the 7 deadly sins are common icons for lack of a better term. The term sin comes from hamartia, which meant missing the mark. Now it is infused with moral failing. What a great read thank you. Things are busy and I almost missed it.
I wonder if love has become the victim of our minds being 'too busy' with so many other things that we believe are 'important' but in reality are often nothing more than trivialities.
Without a chance to find space and to breathe, love becomes i guess digitized in the sense that its either there or it"s not?
In contrast, historically, where time has been less scarce love was analogue - a thing that could exist along any part of a spectrum, in 360 degrees, a thing of wonderment rather than management?
I love your explorations Freya, thank you. I have two teenage daughters.
Freya, I appreciated the dialogue with Rusty Reno here. My sense is that young people today (I'm ancient at 69!) make WAY too big a deal out of finding the "right person" for marriage. I'm certainly not against wanting to be compatible, wanting there to be a spark, making a good choice in marriage, etc. But none of us KNOWS what kind of person we actually need! And people change over time...The goal is to commit to one person, knowing that loving that person for one's whole life is going to be hard yet wonderful, and then just go out there and...get married!
I think the biggest thing that has changed for people today is the number of CHOICES we now have. In the older days, you had a small pool to draw from (your small city or small network of friends), and then you just made your choice. But now with the internet there are literally thousands upon thousands of possible candidates out there, and one is paralyzed into making the "wrong" choice! So we wait, wait, wait, and compare, compare, compare.
Love is a decision. Jesus commands us to love--and you can't command a feeling. Arranged marriages have been the norm for thousands of years, and it's only recently in time that we are bombarded with this idol of CHOICE.
I'm sorry to sound preachy here. And I really do feel it for people today, for culture really has changed quickly over the last several decades. My gentle advice for young people today is to ask oneself if one is truly ready to get married...and then see who, providentially, is right before your eyes at the present moment, and take the plunge!
There is wisdom in this. I'm not in Freya's generation (Gen X), but was definitely both saved and hobbled by my intense desire NOT to make a mistake relationally. My parents' divorce made me all the more cautious. This all registers deeply as a result. Yes, I probably escaped some less-than-ideal situations, but suspect I also missed the best one when in my mid-twenties. Fear kept me from recognizing the beauty of it. I did marry -- much later. That later relationship lacked the same compatibility, something I am still paying the price for. Caution is good, but overcaution can rob us of much.
This is all just intrasexual competition between females to suppress others’ fertility and it’s story as old as time - one that we seem to have forgotten. https://youtu.be/1YGWxs0d_WI?si=B-sFzFuAawArMnkp
In writing my book, A Requiem for the Patriarchy, I have realized that the fullest life is one that starts a family early. In discussions on various podcasts I've been noting that this edict to wait until one is 'ready' is ultimately foolish. The early start to family exposes one to children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren now that a great many of us will be blessed with longer lives. Imagine that! Instead, we have traded knowing all those people for knowing just one child had at the age of 42 -- and if that child follows in her parents' footsteps, there won't be any grandparents, or if so, they will be so old...
My nephew is living with his girlfriend of more than two years. He's in his thirties already. He has a business. She's gainfully employed. He asked his mother how to propose. I asked him when he was going to propose. He said he decided to wait until he was 'ready.' He needs to 'know' himself. His girlfriend 'doesn't want to put a label on it.'
My heart sank. I told him -- Look at me! Is this what you want? No kids. No legacy? Nothing that matters but a couple of cats? A 'career' that in reality, is just a job where they'd just as soon trade me for someone else?
Never heard of this guy but he's my age so I agree with everything he says. When the Dali Lama dies they look and test for the reincarnated Dali Lama they call this time looking for yangsi. In 1950 China began taking over Tibet and Tibetans were forced to escape to India. A young new Dali Lama was taken over the mountains to keep him safe from discovery. At one point there was a fork in the road and his guides stopped not knowing which way. Naturally they went to the young Dali Lama and asked him which way. He pointed to the right fork and they eventually found their way to India. Years later they asked him how he knew which way to go and he said, "I didn't, but someone had to make a decision." Love will always be a fork in the road. Do the best job you can, over parenting by helicopter parents the past couple of generations notwithstanding.
Homosexuals receive only praise and support from women which is a major reason why there's "homosexual marriage." That's where the couple give themselves weekends off from the marriage to continue to engage in hookups with anything from 350 to 1000 lifetime sexual partners. They also approve of gay adoption, surrogacy for homosexuals, which they would never do for heterosexual white males. Sex and the city indeed
Loved this conversation, Freya and Rusty. Thank you.
Aw thank you Dana!
Great advice in this interview. It reminded me of Eliot's "The Hollow Men", a poem that was very influential to me. As I've gotten older the distinction becomes obvious between my acquaintances who feel strong passions in life, versus those who chart only the safe course.
Today's culture on college campuses and workplaces is unforgiving toward mistakes of a certain kind. So some of this risk aversion is rational these days. I feel fortunate to have grown up when there was more freedom to do crazy things and make mistakes.
Brilliant. I’ve come to believe that our feminine cultural script of individualism, material priorities, psychological subjectivity, and magical thinking has created a situation where the old norms of monogamous dating no longer apply.
Men’s irresponsibility and reluctance to commit interacts with this… but doesn’t create it. This is a women’s issue - probably the gravest of our time.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/serenity-self-indulgence
I agreed with much of what Rusty had to say. But his criticism of older New Yorkers, especially women 'dressed like teenagers' struck me as misogynistic. Some people like fashion. Others like football. So what? I think the comment tells us more about the writer than it does about those youthful New Yorkers.
This was great Freya, loved the Professor's story of the 34 year old Grandma reminded me of my Great Grandma born in 1922, had my Grandma in 1945 who had my dad in 1964, so a Grandmother at only 42.
Very powerful article. I sent it to my son, who is 28. We are never going to be perfect, we are never going to be safe. I really appreciated the discussion on sloth, and how it was regarded in ancient Greece, and the connotation now. Being in 12 step the 7 deadly sins are common icons for lack of a better term. The term sin comes from hamartia, which meant missing the mark. Now it is infused with moral failing. What a great read thank you. Things are busy and I almost missed it.
I wonder if love has become the victim of our minds being 'too busy' with so many other things that we believe are 'important' but in reality are often nothing more than trivialities.
Without a chance to find space and to breathe, love becomes i guess digitized in the sense that its either there or it"s not?
In contrast, historically, where time has been less scarce love was analogue - a thing that could exist along any part of a spectrum, in 360 degrees, a thing of wonderment rather than management?
I love your explorations Freya, thank you. I have two teenage daughters.
Freya, I appreciated the dialogue with Rusty Reno here. My sense is that young people today (I'm ancient at 69!) make WAY too big a deal out of finding the "right person" for marriage. I'm certainly not against wanting to be compatible, wanting there to be a spark, making a good choice in marriage, etc. But none of us KNOWS what kind of person we actually need! And people change over time...The goal is to commit to one person, knowing that loving that person for one's whole life is going to be hard yet wonderful, and then just go out there and...get married!
I think the biggest thing that has changed for people today is the number of CHOICES we now have. In the older days, you had a small pool to draw from (your small city or small network of friends), and then you just made your choice. But now with the internet there are literally thousands upon thousands of possible candidates out there, and one is paralyzed into making the "wrong" choice! So we wait, wait, wait, and compare, compare, compare.
Love is a decision. Jesus commands us to love--and you can't command a feeling. Arranged marriages have been the norm for thousands of years, and it's only recently in time that we are bombarded with this idol of CHOICE.
I'm sorry to sound preachy here. And I really do feel it for people today, for culture really has changed quickly over the last several decades. My gentle advice for young people today is to ask oneself if one is truly ready to get married...and then see who, providentially, is right before your eyes at the present moment, and take the plunge!
Have you taken a look at First Things? Strongly out there in a way not especially conducive to on the porch after dinner conversations.
There is wisdom in this. I'm not in Freya's generation (Gen X), but was definitely both saved and hobbled by my intense desire NOT to make a mistake relationally. My parents' divorce made me all the more cautious. This all registers deeply as a result. Yes, I probably escaped some less-than-ideal situations, but suspect I also missed the best one when in my mid-twenties. Fear kept me from recognizing the beauty of it. I did marry -- much later. That later relationship lacked the same compatibility, something I am still paying the price for. Caution is good, but overcaution can rob us of much.
This is all just intrasexual competition between females to suppress others’ fertility and it’s story as old as time - one that we seem to have forgotten. https://youtu.be/1YGWxs0d_WI?si=B-sFzFuAawArMnkp
Best thing I’ve read in awhile. Great interview!
In writing my book, A Requiem for the Patriarchy, I have realized that the fullest life is one that starts a family early. In discussions on various podcasts I've been noting that this edict to wait until one is 'ready' is ultimately foolish. The early start to family exposes one to children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren now that a great many of us will be blessed with longer lives. Imagine that! Instead, we have traded knowing all those people for knowing just one child had at the age of 42 -- and if that child follows in her parents' footsteps, there won't be any grandparents, or if so, they will be so old...
My nephew is living with his girlfriend of more than two years. He's in his thirties already. He has a business. She's gainfully employed. He asked his mother how to propose. I asked him when he was going to propose. He said he decided to wait until he was 'ready.' He needs to 'know' himself. His girlfriend 'doesn't want to put a label on it.'
My heart sank. I told him -- Look at me! Is this what you want? No kids. No legacy? Nothing that matters but a couple of cats? A 'career' that in reality, is just a job where they'd just as soon trade me for someone else?
Never heard of this guy but he's my age so I agree with everything he says. When the Dali Lama dies they look and test for the reincarnated Dali Lama they call this time looking for yangsi. In 1950 China began taking over Tibet and Tibetans were forced to escape to India. A young new Dali Lama was taken over the mountains to keep him safe from discovery. At one point there was a fork in the road and his guides stopped not knowing which way. Naturally they went to the young Dali Lama and asked him which way. He pointed to the right fork and they eventually found their way to India. Years later they asked him how he knew which way to go and he said, "I didn't, but someone had to make a decision." Love will always be a fork in the road. Do the best job you can, over parenting by helicopter parents the past couple of generations notwithstanding.
Sending this to my 20 something kids as well.
Homosexuals receive only praise and support from women which is a major reason why there's "homosexual marriage." That's where the couple give themselves weekends off from the marriage to continue to engage in hookups with anything from 350 to 1000 lifetime sexual partners. They also approve of gay adoption, surrogacy for homosexuals, which they would never do for heterosexual white males. Sex and the city indeed