The "your partner is secretly cheating" genre of shorts plays on paranoia. It's a similar dynamic with political polarization. Take the worst possible idea -- fascism, Nazism, cannibalism, pedophilia -- and drop vague evidence or suggestions. The personal equivalent is to insinuate to a mass audience, "is your partner secretly cheating? planning to leave you? gaslighting you? a narcissist?" These accusations pull people in like a car crash. It's hard to resist catastrophism. It's a compelling story, even if it's detached from reality.
This kind of thinking is sometimes correct, but much of the time it's self-defeating, and a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe your partner is conspiring against you, that will make you withdraw love, subconsciously, to protect yourself. But as you withdraw, they withdraw too, and this "confirms your suspicions," until the spiral ends in disaster.
And what's the lesson? Do people take that as evidence that they were too paranoid? Nope -- you were too trusting, didn't see the signs, didn't protect yourself *enough*. Safetyism confirms its own suspicions, doubles down, and this ends in loneliness and alienation. Too fearful to try again.
This is the most fearful generation -- less sex, less alcohol, less parties, but more weed because it's "safe."
i found myself wanting to stand and applaud you for this. last year, my marriage entered the darkest period of it’s roughest years-my very depressed, struggling husband, left us for 5 months. i started that period and some months before frantically reading and watching every marriage advice i could get my hands on, and what happened? i became more unhappy, convinced my husband was struggling AT me and doing it on purpose. it made my life so much worse. it stopped me from loving a man i had committed 20 years to already, and turned me into a judgmental woman. more awareness IS a problem, i wholeheartedly agree. he is back home now, we are healing, and guess what? the second i stopped watching those videos and reading those articles and we stopped going to marriage counseling (dont get me started), we were both able to be present and love each other. and i for one am *much* happier just trying to be good in this present moment rather than make myself “better” all the time.
Some of the problem is that in order to know what is “normal”, we need to read from the same cultural script. If we all followed the same influencer, we would at least be able to establish a norm. But a lot of people find themselves being judged against norms they didn’t know existed. Ex. Whether someone texts “did you get home ok” after a date, whether you text frequently before a first date, etc. It’s ok for these to act like filters if they were proxies for meaningful differences, but oftentimes, they are not. There’s also another genre of advice that’s along the lines of, “don’t communicate your desires and preferences because that will be used to manipulate you.” I find this one of the most toxic pieces of advice because it creates a self-fulfilling paranoia.
This applies to everything in life, I think. Going out and experiencing the world for yourself will teach you more than any reel or podcast ever will. However, I also understand that there is so much uncertainty in the world right now, which combined with the overwhelming amount of information available, makes people feel like they need to find an answer before venturing out. I’m guilty of that myself- I do it all the time. It takes reminding me of my self trust to stop and actually go for it.
Building security is about being responsive to your partner in ways that leave them feeling validated and understood. Text cannot do that. Will never do that. Be honest. Put down your phone. Say yes. Use physical touch. Ask meaningful questions. Actually respond. If we do not see these things modeled by our parents, friends, extended family...its not going to happen. The Matrix is here.
I thought your post made some good points about how online relationship advice can distort the way we think about love — I agree with a lot of what you said.
You do gesture toward a solution at the end, encouraging people to learn from real relationships rather than influencers, which I think is important. But for those who don’t have those examples or mentors around them, you paint a bleak picture.
Sometimes the internet really is the only place people can find thoughtful perspectives or a bit of hope. There’s definitely a lot of garbage out there, but there are also writers who try to promote connection and reflection, not alarmism or cynicism.
I tried to explore that side in a piece I wrote about what makes for a great relationship — it’s more about mutual respect, effort, and purpose than about “rules.” I’d welcome your take on whether it feels different from the kind of advice you critiqued.
God this was so good. I've never really considered the impact of children being exposed to so many adult thoughts on Tik Tok and social media, what a sobering thing to consider - if the multitude of opinions is impacting me, a nearly 30 year old woman so much, what are they doing to my 16 year old sister?
It's sad to me that so much relationship advice now is about avoiding pain. There is risk in every healthy relationship, and so avoiding pain is absurd. If we think of someone that is born into a healthy family, and experiences no trauma as a child, and grows up emotionally healthy and stable. We would assumed that they would love their parents, because their parents provided that opportunity, and guided them into that. And that would be a beautiful relationship. And when those parents die - and that child has to bury them, it will be incredibly painful. And worth it in every way. But as you pointed out, the advice is rarely about building a healthy relationships, it's all just varieties of pain-avoidance. Which is another way to describe being numb.
I advise my single 20-something friends to "up your game. That's how you'll be more attractive to more delightful and reliable people."
Every day--every hour really--is a chance to be a better person by doing hard things.
Which makes you more attractive to other people who've done hard things to make their lives better.
I'm not Jewish, but was captured by the idea of being a 'mensch.'
Which means being a guy that other people--friends, acquaintances, strangers--could count on. Being a reliable guy, who does what he says he's going to do. Who thinks about others' feelings (guys, read Jane Austen--get a clue, the average woman's life is much harder than the average man's life).
"I think this is popular because people are desperate for rules, for guidance. We occupy our own moral universes now."
We have occupied our own moral universes for a long time now. However, not so long ago, women's magazines (Elle, Cosmo, etc.) played a similar role to that of YouTube relationship influencers today. The difference is that there were a lot fewer magazines, and the relationship advice less strident, perhaps because advice was a sideline to the magazine's real business of selling fashion advertising.
Anyway, it has long been my theory that one reason arranged marriages in societies such as India by and large work is because in a traditional society, your role is largely set for you by your family and the society you live in.
For better or for worse, if you are (for example) a university-educated middle class Tamil Catholic Christian girl, the middle daughter of a family of teachers and small shopkeepers, older brother married, younger sister not, you can get married to someone from a comparable background and you will have a pretty good idea what you (and your family) can expect and what will be expected of you (and your family). Even if you never have spent so much as fifteen minutes alone with your spouse before saying "I do".
This is why Indian matrimonial ads often have such rich detail concerning the prospective bride or groom's family, with the bride or groom being almost an afterthought. These are the people you and your family will owe obligations to, and the people who will owe you and your family obligations in return.
By contrast, everyone in the West plays by their own rules, making it up as they go along. That's not a value judgment, but an artifact of their respective relationships to capital. This is why we see more "western" mores towards dating among call center and BPO workers, because the call centers make it possible for anyone who speaks passable English to earn enough money to be able to live on their own.
I studied marriage and family therapy for years, completed my clinicals, and worked as a relationship therapist—until I realized that most relationship advice and therapy theories are garbage.
They’re designed to maintain relationships, not truly help them.
When I shifted my focus to coaching, everything changed. In my experience, most couples who seek therapy are often avoiding the elephants in the room. They’re looking for a space to justify not being more resilient or flexible and to keep using emotions as explanations for their behavior.
Marriage and relationships require hardship, friendship, and flexibility. Most couples don’t need therapy they need a wake up call of accountability and self regulation. It’s that simple.
Fantastic writing. The way you so clearly articulated this issue should be front-page news. In addition to useless, harmful dating advice on TikTok, another thing that scares me is people asking AI to generate responses to texts. People are too afraid to say the wrong thing, say something that sounds "crazy" or too intense, so they'd rather a robot spit out something generic and play it safe.
From my own experience (happily married to my partner of 7 years), the ONLY way to find true love is to say the vulnerable, honest, scary thing. That's the only way you will know if someone is really there for you and understands you to your core. I wish more young people understood this.
Great one as always Freya, the only thing I think I would want from a future girlfriend/wife besides love in my case it is that she's able bodied, so she's able to help me out.
The "your partner is secretly cheating" genre of shorts plays on paranoia. It's a similar dynamic with political polarization. Take the worst possible idea -- fascism, Nazism, cannibalism, pedophilia -- and drop vague evidence or suggestions. The personal equivalent is to insinuate to a mass audience, "is your partner secretly cheating? planning to leave you? gaslighting you? a narcissist?" These accusations pull people in like a car crash. It's hard to resist catastrophism. It's a compelling story, even if it's detached from reality.
This kind of thinking is sometimes correct, but much of the time it's self-defeating, and a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe your partner is conspiring against you, that will make you withdraw love, subconsciously, to protect yourself. But as you withdraw, they withdraw too, and this "confirms your suspicions," until the spiral ends in disaster.
And what's the lesson? Do people take that as evidence that they were too paranoid? Nope -- you were too trusting, didn't see the signs, didn't protect yourself *enough*. Safetyism confirms its own suspicions, doubles down, and this ends in loneliness and alienation. Too fearful to try again.
This is the most fearful generation -- less sex, less alcohol, less parties, but more weed because it's "safe."
i found myself wanting to stand and applaud you for this. last year, my marriage entered the darkest period of it’s roughest years-my very depressed, struggling husband, left us for 5 months. i started that period and some months before frantically reading and watching every marriage advice i could get my hands on, and what happened? i became more unhappy, convinced my husband was struggling AT me and doing it on purpose. it made my life so much worse. it stopped me from loving a man i had committed 20 years to already, and turned me into a judgmental woman. more awareness IS a problem, i wholeheartedly agree. he is back home now, we are healing, and guess what? the second i stopped watching those videos and reading those articles and we stopped going to marriage counseling (dont get me started), we were both able to be present and love each other. and i for one am *much* happier just trying to be good in this present moment rather than make myself “better” all the time.
'Twelve year-olds are scrolling through the inner worlds of wounded adults' - best (portion of a) sentence I've read today! And quite a thought.
Some of the problem is that in order to know what is “normal”, we need to read from the same cultural script. If we all followed the same influencer, we would at least be able to establish a norm. But a lot of people find themselves being judged against norms they didn’t know existed. Ex. Whether someone texts “did you get home ok” after a date, whether you text frequently before a first date, etc. It’s ok for these to act like filters if they were proxies for meaningful differences, but oftentimes, they are not. There’s also another genre of advice that’s along the lines of, “don’t communicate your desires and preferences because that will be used to manipulate you.” I find this one of the most toxic pieces of advice because it creates a self-fulfilling paranoia.
Happily married 36 yrs. Two wonderful children both married as well. Your podcast interviews are epic. I love listening. Thank you.
Maybe we can do an AMA for the young ones. My husband and I have been happily together 25 years.
I was thinking this too. I’ve been married happily for 13 and we’ve run two businesses together. It’s not necessarily easy but it’s so worth it.
I think the point of the essay is sort of the opposite of creating another AMA.
This applies to everything in life, I think. Going out and experiencing the world for yourself will teach you more than any reel or podcast ever will. However, I also understand that there is so much uncertainty in the world right now, which combined with the overwhelming amount of information available, makes people feel like they need to find an answer before venturing out. I’m guilty of that myself- I do it all the time. It takes reminding me of my self trust to stop and actually go for it.
Gentle writing. But so on point.
I guess you think a lot about being in the space you yourself are wary of. Do you feel contradicted etc.
Nay bother. Your voice is needed.
Very contradicted! Writing about this soon...
Building security is about being responsive to your partner in ways that leave them feeling validated and understood. Text cannot do that. Will never do that. Be honest. Put down your phone. Say yes. Use physical touch. Ask meaningful questions. Actually respond. If we do not see these things modeled by our parents, friends, extended family...its not going to happen. The Matrix is here.
I thought your post made some good points about how online relationship advice can distort the way we think about love — I agree with a lot of what you said.
You do gesture toward a solution at the end, encouraging people to learn from real relationships rather than influencers, which I think is important. But for those who don’t have those examples or mentors around them, you paint a bleak picture.
Sometimes the internet really is the only place people can find thoughtful perspectives or a bit of hope. There’s definitely a lot of garbage out there, but there are also writers who try to promote connection and reflection, not alarmism or cynicism.
I tried to explore that side in a piece I wrote about what makes for a great relationship — it’s more about mutual respect, effort, and purpose than about “rules.” I’d welcome your take on whether it feels different from the kind of advice you critiqued.
Here’s the link: https://swlion26.substack.com/p/what-makes-for-a-great-relationship
God this was so good. I've never really considered the impact of children being exposed to so many adult thoughts on Tik Tok and social media, what a sobering thing to consider - if the multitude of opinions is impacting me, a nearly 30 year old woman so much, what are they doing to my 16 year old sister?
It's sad to me that so much relationship advice now is about avoiding pain. There is risk in every healthy relationship, and so avoiding pain is absurd. If we think of someone that is born into a healthy family, and experiences no trauma as a child, and grows up emotionally healthy and stable. We would assumed that they would love their parents, because their parents provided that opportunity, and guided them into that. And that would be a beautiful relationship. And when those parents die - and that child has to bury them, it will be incredibly painful. And worth it in every way. But as you pointed out, the advice is rarely about building a healthy relationships, it's all just varieties of pain-avoidance. Which is another way to describe being numb.
I advise my single 20-something friends to "up your game. That's how you'll be more attractive to more delightful and reliable people."
Every day--every hour really--is a chance to be a better person by doing hard things.
Which makes you more attractive to other people who've done hard things to make their lives better.
I'm not Jewish, but was captured by the idea of being a 'mensch.'
Which means being a guy that other people--friends, acquaintances, strangers--could count on. Being a reliable guy, who does what he says he's going to do. Who thinks about others' feelings (guys, read Jane Austen--get a clue, the average woman's life is much harder than the average man's life).
Up.
Your.
Game.
"I think this is popular because people are desperate for rules, for guidance. We occupy our own moral universes now."
We have occupied our own moral universes for a long time now. However, not so long ago, women's magazines (Elle, Cosmo, etc.) played a similar role to that of YouTube relationship influencers today. The difference is that there were a lot fewer magazines, and the relationship advice less strident, perhaps because advice was a sideline to the magazine's real business of selling fashion advertising.
Anyway, it has long been my theory that one reason arranged marriages in societies such as India by and large work is because in a traditional society, your role is largely set for you by your family and the society you live in.
For better or for worse, if you are (for example) a university-educated middle class Tamil Catholic Christian girl, the middle daughter of a family of teachers and small shopkeepers, older brother married, younger sister not, you can get married to someone from a comparable background and you will have a pretty good idea what you (and your family) can expect and what will be expected of you (and your family). Even if you never have spent so much as fifteen minutes alone with your spouse before saying "I do".
This is why Indian matrimonial ads often have such rich detail concerning the prospective bride or groom's family, with the bride or groom being almost an afterthought. These are the people you and your family will owe obligations to, and the people who will owe you and your family obligations in return.
By contrast, everyone in the West plays by their own rules, making it up as they go along. That's not a value judgment, but an artifact of their respective relationships to capital. This is why we see more "western" mores towards dating among call center and BPO workers, because the call centers make it possible for anyone who speaks passable English to earn enough money to be able to live on their own.
I studied marriage and family therapy for years, completed my clinicals, and worked as a relationship therapist—until I realized that most relationship advice and therapy theories are garbage.
They’re designed to maintain relationships, not truly help them.
When I shifted my focus to coaching, everything changed. In my experience, most couples who seek therapy are often avoiding the elephants in the room. They’re looking for a space to justify not being more resilient or flexible and to keep using emotions as explanations for their behavior.
Marriage and relationships require hardship, friendship, and flexibility. Most couples don’t need therapy they need a wake up call of accountability and self regulation. It’s that simple.
Fantastic writing. The way you so clearly articulated this issue should be front-page news. In addition to useless, harmful dating advice on TikTok, another thing that scares me is people asking AI to generate responses to texts. People are too afraid to say the wrong thing, say something that sounds "crazy" or too intense, so they'd rather a robot spit out something generic and play it safe.
From my own experience (happily married to my partner of 7 years), the ONLY way to find true love is to say the vulnerable, honest, scary thing. That's the only way you will know if someone is really there for you and understands you to your core. I wish more young people understood this.
Great one as always Freya, the only thing I think I would want from a future girlfriend/wife besides love in my case it is that she's able bodied, so she's able to help me out.