I have to say, I got a little choked up reading this. I've been married to my wife for ten years, and we dated for five years before that. I love her more every day, and she is without a doubt the best thing that happened to me. But we are supremely grateful for one another, and very, very aware what a rare and precious thing we have. So we work on it. All of it. The listening. The romance. The fighting so that the fighting never rots into actual disdain. it's the most rewarding work of my life, and it saddens me too to see so many people abandon the very idea of it. There's a grandeur to a long love that no "spark," no single great lay/trip/meal, no professional accolade will ever match. And for someone who's struggled with despair and depression, the thing that made all the difference was having someone at my side. It saved me. And I believe the very ambition to love selflessly and with true devotion can save us all. Because the most rewarding thing is not how happy she makes me, but how happy I make her.
"There's a grandeur to a long love..." YES -- My husband and I celebrate 6 years of marriage this month, and that's a relatively short time, but we already see how the settling in and aging and whole *process* of marriage is the point. The butterfly beginnings were lovely, but it settles into something much harder to describe. The selfless work makes it into something continually beautiful.
"The butterfly beginnings were lovely, but it settles into something much harder to describe." I love the growth described in these words. True love is more than butterflies; it's much deeper and requires a lot of work to make it bloom like it should.
Preach! We’re going on six years married and four dating before that.
My friends are having a rough time. It seems like people are addicted to the New Relationship Energy the same way we’re addicted to every other substance, technology or habit that can crank up our neurochemicals.
What’s the cold, dark emptiness that we need a succession of brilliant but ephemeral “sparks” to feel okay in? Or better yet, how can we capture and collaboratively tend to a gently, smoldering fire, instead of strike violent spark after spark?
This made me absolutely cry. This is beautiful and a true description about how I feel about my husband too. Devotion despite the fear. Connection despite the despair. These continuous choices keep us choosing each other, and no, it will never be perfect, and no it was never meant to be perfect, but that is the wreckless beauty of love. You are naked. You are vulnerable. And it's overwhelming and powerful.
Read that post before I saw this. Shared it with dozens. 20 years married, and he is still the light of my life; even and sometimes especially because of the annoying bits. Marriage is worth every bit of the work; I am a better person because of him, and it. 😊💕
We aren't here for us. We're here to serve something greater than us, and for many people it is found in occasional surrender and passionate dedication to another human being... Adding more to our lives through complicated life goals isn't for everyone, and for some it slightly dilutes little parts of their greater compassion.
I adore this article! Your point about “unrealistic expectations” hits so hard. I used to privately criticize a female friend of mine for endlessly watching Disney and romcoms, as I thought these would set her up for failure. Instead, she’s the only one in our friend group who’s now engaged! I’ve begun allowing myself to watch and enjoy shows that make me fall in love with the male characters, too, and I’ve been “practicing” imagining myself in love and someone in love with me. For many in our generation, it can be genuinely difficult!
Personally, I wouldn’t advise learning about romance through romcoms or even watching them at all. There’s too much emphasis on sex, and these movies never leave room for anyone who wishes to put sex in its proper place—as a profoundly intimate, loving, and vulnerable act between a man and a woman committed for life.
I cannot imagine how tough it must be to wade through all the detritus of misapprehension and the bad ideas of others. But you've done the really hard bit: you've seen the way forward. Don't lose faith in this. You're on the right path (the only one there is).
True love is real. It can be quite dirty and disgusting sometimes, but that is what makes it beautiful. Keep practicing. He will pop up in your life bc you believe it to be true.
I’ve been married for 19 years to a person I can’t imagine my life without. I got married young and everyone told me I was making a mistake. But I just knew it was right for me.
It’s a lot of work to build a life with someone, and sometimes difficult to maintain, but it is possible. A long relationship is a constant negotiation. People grow and change over time, goals may change, and life hands you some random bullshit and you have to be on each others side. Marriage is adulting in tandem. It’s getting through the drudgery of life hand in hand.
That intensity of first love does die down, and I say thank god for that. Being in love (or infatuation) is being high on brain chemicals with all the peaks and crashes. It is EXHAUSTING. What takes its place is something deeper and something to treasure.
"Marriage is adulting in tandem". I love that - it is so true. You have to be an adult for marriage to work and perhaps that is part of the problem. Too many people are reluctant to grow up.
Met my true love at 16, dated, broke up, found each other again. Married at 27, now we're 47 and about to celebrate our 20th anniversary. Marrying my husband is the single best decision I ever made. And also the only decision I ever made completely with my heart, not my head. On paper, he was nothing much - worked as a butcher, drove a dry cleaning van. And I was a self obsessed girlboss feminist with all the credentials. But inside I just knew.
And you know what, none of that checklist stuff matters at all. He is one of the wisest, most loyal, smart, funny, handsome, hardworking people I know. He is spiritually wise. An excellent father. Our marriage has made us both better people. It has required sacrifice. All the best things in life do. My only regret is that we didn't marry younger, and have more children, both of which are primarily on me.
Real love does exist, it does. Do not give up. You can find it. It is worth working for and fighting for.
Great post. I am 80 and just celebrated 55 years of marriage to one woman. My parents divorced after 25 years together and I was sent away in religious residential high school & college for 5.5 years. I was devastated and promised J would never put my kids through that. I decided at 14 I would not marry until I was 25(my peers were marrying out of high school), graduate from college, have a job and never divorce. My wife and I still had our virginity when we married after 2.5 years of dating. We went from nothing with borrowed & Salvation Army furniture in a small apartment. During that time my wife finished college. My marketing career led to a owning a successful business that allowed us a beautiful suburban home, Lincoln Mark IV and travel to Rome Italy. In time the economy failed in America during the oil crisis. This took our assets, home, car and cash. We faced the bankruptcy court together left with nothing to start over. We lived on my wife’s teacher salary while I struggled to find another marketing job. We lived in a used mobile home on my wife’s family’s farm. Two boys later we found a new life together bound my love. The following years life delivered awesome opportunities, income, success and some more failure. While kids now and improving economy, our careers grew and life was for the most part good but always together. Some bumps that required counseling, forgiveness and adjustment but we were always together. “For better or for worse” Now retired in Florida living in a beautiful destination RV, we are together, debt free and can do what we wish. From September 2022-24, I spend 60+ days in hospital and my wife was right by my side everyday. Just as we promised each other years ago “in sickness and health”. Today we love each other more that we have ever dreamed possible. We travel, we see our children & grand children, serve to community & church together. We love and we are loved. Yes, old fashioned love is real, solid and secure if you keep feeding it. One thing we have found is “the relationship is more important than being right.” I found my soul mate from God and you can as well.
This is an incredible story, and a testament to your strength and love. I love the part about that you need to keep "feeding it." It's so true, you can't get lazy
Then experimented with being a New Romantic (when I had back comb-able hair). Then I became a disappointed romantic, and I am certain I have been a desperate romantic in my day, too.
Now I am a defiant romantic.
I'm 54 - I have been, and always will be, romantic. It's not just possible: it's necessary. Cynicism isn't sophisticated or a good look. And it certainly isn't loveable.
Christopher Booth, how I agree! "Cynicism isn't sophisticated or a good look. And it certainly isn't loveable." This is the core of all this mess. In my own Substack, I share the DISASTER for me, of the sexual revolution of the 1960's and 1970s. This is for both young women and young men. Jumping into bed with strangers, NOT A GOOD IDEA. I went through it and survived it and it adversely affected my life. The least of the problems are STD's and unplanned pregnancy. Broken hearts breed cynicism. You get mean and cold inside and it colors your vision of fellow human beings. I can tell you, being lonely when you are an Elder, not fun. I have my wonderful church and my deep faith in God and His Son. You made an excellent point about being cynical! WEW
I think the other thing going on here is the density of porn in modern life, and the 'celebration' of the explicit as art of some kind, makes romance seem naive somehow if not unattainable. It's hard to find the poetry in intimacy if your face is being rubbed it it, as it were, and your eyelids have been removed.
This love is real! As a young married (30 now, married at 24), it is very much real. I gave up “independence” and doing whatever I wanted for the commitment of marriage and three little kids and I would never go back. It’s hard and beautiful and worth fighting for. Your advice is very good…basically, stop being ‘cool’ and disillusioned and disenchanted. BE enchanted. Be a romantic. Read the poetry. Risk getting hurt. Admit that we very much need each other, contrary to so many of the messages we get from the culture. Die to yourself. Gain a whole lot more.
I could say more but anyway, this made me cry. Keep doing what you’re doing. ❤️
I have been thinking about this "Die to yourself. Gain a whole lot more," comment for the past few days since I read it, honestly. I grew up religious (Christian), left religion, and am again building up my belief system piece by piece. I now understand what the Bible and other spiritual texts mean by dying to yourself and surrendering to something bigger. As a kid and young adult it sounded terrible. As a married woman it is the most wonderful experience, and is way better than being on your own and just thinking about yourself. Maybe them spiritual traditions did have a lot to say, actually.
I went to chapel every day at school and was bored senseless. Later in life, I am reading some basic Christian texts and realising that to date, I have been trying to operate life without having looked at the manual.
As a millennial with divorced parents (and boy was that divorce messy), I can attest that for my whole life people have been warning me that love is “hard” that I would loose all my freedoms, and I would have to “work for it”.
Almost no one has ever told me that marriage/partnership good and worth looking forward to. And yet now many in the older generation are perplexed as to why I’m single in my mid thirties! They all told me it would be terrible and that I should focus on my career! Why moan at me for listening to their advice?!
Sorry to hear of your family experience. It is heartbreaking that there are so many people in your situation. Other people's advice may be well intended, but only you can really decide what's right for you. I spent my twenties unsuccessfully searching for love, then made the decision to stop searching so that love could find me. It was like a switch had flipped and suddenly I was more alive than before and I believed and trusted I was worthy of someone else's love, but not reliant upon it. Then I met my now-husband and best friend of 22 years and it became hard to remember the person I was before.
I believe God has someone for everyone. Stay focused on what you desire in a mate and stay alert. For years I dated not to get married. Every time my girl friend turned serious I moved on until…Miriam who taught me to love and still does until this day. Thank you for response. Yes, I was 25 when I got married.
Hunter S. Thompson once said: "Anything that gets your heart racing is probably worth doing." It's one of my favorite quotations because it applies to basically all aspects of life - especially to love. Open up your heart to it, look out for that person that gets your heart racing. This person IS out there.
I know it's incredibly, incredibly hard. The cultural climate, the frustration of Tinder, the digitization of formerly real spaces, the general risk-averseness... It is tough for Gen Z but I would argue also for millenials/Gen Y, maybe even Gen X. The current societal outlook on love has just turned so bleak and anti-romantic, it affects dating for people across the generations (think: mid-thirty guy/woman, maybe recently divorced/separated, who wants to find a new partner... It's tough).
Don't despair and be patient. Search for like-minded people. Be patient. It will come.
About two weeks after our wedding, we went to a friend's party. Everything had changed. We listened to others talking about their love lives, some people were there with new dates, others were bemoaning being single - and we both remember an amazing feeling as we travelled home afterwards... that all that was over for us now. Whatever happened, we would now always have each other, for the rest of our lives. And that is true freedom. Six weeks after we started going out, we got engaged; eight months later we got married. Nearly thirty years on, that holds true - and we must have done something right... neither of our two children, now in their mid-twenties, has ever been on a dating app. They cringe at the thought. Long live love.
Wow, congratulations ❤️❤️ I can't agree more, what others may perceive as "chains" is actually a bedrock of stability, aka true freedom. Your kids have a wonderful example. How did you show your kids what true love looked like in this digital age?
Thank you so much. I think we tried hard to keep them in the real world as much as possible - they didn't watch TV at all until they were 4 or 5 years old, they played a lot outside with us and with each other, neither ever had a TV in the bedroom (they still don't - and they are adults), we had a table top computer for them to take turns in using until they were around fourteen years old, and we were lucky.... they were just on the crest, at the very front of the social media age. Neither had any social media until they were in their mid-teens, and we never allowed phones at the table or in the living room when we were all there together. We have also continually emphasised the difference between the real world and the online world - and the importance of face-to-face human interaction with people of all ages and stages. All of us now use technology as a tool, not as a substitute for a life. It's hard to navigate, but you have to start laying the foundations early - long before any of this can become an issue.
Dating app is a tool. It all depends how you use it. Ourselves and 4 friends got married through tinder. Some already have kids. Nothing wrong with dating apps. Blame the user.
I have found this kind of love, and we always say that we are happy to be setting an example of true, deep healthy love for others (and our kids when we have them!). It took us both a lot of tries and heartbreak, and we wouldn't change our journeys for the world.
Excellent article, Freya. Thank you for writing so honestly.
As a 72 year old who recently celebrated a 44th wedding anniversary with my first (and only) wife, I agree completely with the sentiments you express.
Of course love exists! We all feel it one way or another every day.
I feel Hollywood can be held accountable for giving my parent's generation - and mine, too, I think - the idea that somewhere out there is a perfect match for each of us. There isn't. Most obviously because none of us are perfect ourselves.
And so I believe that people have become too frightened of the risk of being hurt if they commit to a relationship and their partner then lets them down.
Of course, I've known lots of people who got divorced including my own parents when I was 15 years old which had a big effect on me, as you can imagine. It never put me off the idea of love and marriage though but, rather, it made me think more about the need to accept people as they are and not think that they would - or even should - change to suit me. Just as they shouldn't demand that I change to suit them. It is simply the acceptance of the whole person and loving them despite the bits that you would prefer were different, always trusting them and being trustworthy oneself.
It isn't limiting; it's empowering to love someone and compromise on things to put their well being before your own. To be faithful. To always be there for them.
Love is one of the easiest things ever if you know how to create it. Love is just living the universe, living the interconnected nature of everything, seeing self in everyone. Love is not simply a feeling. Love is what happens when we open up.
John Vervaeke once put it: „Love is reciprocal opening.“ Just open up and let love emerge, as it’s the fundamental nature of universe.
a world of infinite options and opportunities to reinvent oneself makes it harder to commit, for sure. I feel paralyzed when facing a wall of toothpaste brands in the supermarket; I can't imagine shopping for a main squeeze on tinder.
I have to say, I got a little choked up reading this. I've been married to my wife for ten years, and we dated for five years before that. I love her more every day, and she is without a doubt the best thing that happened to me. But we are supremely grateful for one another, and very, very aware what a rare and precious thing we have. So we work on it. All of it. The listening. The romance. The fighting so that the fighting never rots into actual disdain. it's the most rewarding work of my life, and it saddens me too to see so many people abandon the very idea of it. There's a grandeur to a long love that no "spark," no single great lay/trip/meal, no professional accolade will ever match. And for someone who's struggled with despair and depression, the thing that made all the difference was having someone at my side. It saved me. And I believe the very ambition to love selflessly and with true devotion can save us all. Because the most rewarding thing is not how happy she makes me, but how happy I make her.
"There's a grandeur to a long love..." YES -- My husband and I celebrate 6 years of marriage this month, and that's a relatively short time, but we already see how the settling in and aging and whole *process* of marriage is the point. The butterfly beginnings were lovely, but it settles into something much harder to describe. The selfless work makes it into something continually beautiful.
"The selfless work makes it into something continually beautiful."
Awww 🥰
I love it ❤️
"The butterfly beginnings were lovely, but it settles into something much harder to describe." I love the growth described in these words. True love is more than butterflies; it's much deeper and requires a lot of work to make it bloom like it should.
Preach! We’re going on six years married and four dating before that.
My friends are having a rough time. It seems like people are addicted to the New Relationship Energy the same way we’re addicted to every other substance, technology or habit that can crank up our neurochemicals.
What’s the cold, dark emptiness that we need a succession of brilliant but ephemeral “sparks” to feel okay in? Or better yet, how can we capture and collaboratively tend to a gently, smoldering fire, instead of strike violent spark after spark?
It’s worthwhile work.
The ideal human being for us isn't about finding him or her, its about becoming that for them...
This made me absolutely cry. This is beautiful and a true description about how I feel about my husband too. Devotion despite the fear. Connection despite the despair. These continuous choices keep us choosing each other, and no, it will never be perfect, and no it was never meant to be perfect, but that is the wreckless beauty of love. You are naked. You are vulnerable. And it's overwhelming and powerful.
This is true.
Well said, Rob. This is something that also touched me today, and which you and other readers here might find to the point: https://open.substack.com/pub/mcrawford/p/it-is-not-good-that-man-should-be?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1ms7s4
Read that post before I saw this. Shared it with dozens. 20 years married, and he is still the light of my life; even and sometimes especially because of the annoying bits. Marriage is worth every bit of the work; I am a better person because of him, and it. 😊💕
Amen to that. I wish you and Your Significant Other all the very best!
We aren't here for us. We're here to serve something greater than us, and for many people it is found in occasional surrender and passionate dedication to another human being... Adding more to our lives through complicated life goals isn't for everyone, and for some it slightly dilutes little parts of their greater compassion.
@Rob Kotecki, thank you for sharing your story. It is a breath of fresh air, especially in today's modern dating narratives.
I adore this article! Your point about “unrealistic expectations” hits so hard. I used to privately criticize a female friend of mine for endlessly watching Disney and romcoms, as I thought these would set her up for failure. Instead, she’s the only one in our friend group who’s now engaged! I’ve begun allowing myself to watch and enjoy shows that make me fall in love with the male characters, too, and I’ve been “practicing” imagining myself in love and someone in love with me. For many in our generation, it can be genuinely difficult!
I can’t believe this is a thing- avoiding rom-coms intentionally! I have two daughters- 13 and 16, and now I know I need to talk to them about this!
Allie- I am rooting for you to find love!! You deserve it!
Personally, I wouldn’t advise learning about romance through romcoms or even watching them at all. There’s too much emphasis on sex, and these movies never leave room for anyone who wishes to put sex in its proper place—as a profoundly intimate, loving, and vulnerable act between a man and a woman committed for life.
This is such a sweet response, Shawna, thank you!!
That's great!
I cannot imagine how tough it must be to wade through all the detritus of misapprehension and the bad ideas of others. But you've done the really hard bit: you've seen the way forward. Don't lose faith in this. You're on the right path (the only one there is).
Thanks, Christopher!! Feeling very encouraged by your comments 🙏🙏
True love is real. It can be quite dirty and disgusting sometimes, but that is what makes it beautiful. Keep practicing. He will pop up in your life bc you believe it to be true.
Thanks, Renee :)
This is beautiful!
I’ve been married for 19 years to a person I can’t imagine my life without. I got married young and everyone told me I was making a mistake. But I just knew it was right for me.
It’s a lot of work to build a life with someone, and sometimes difficult to maintain, but it is possible. A long relationship is a constant negotiation. People grow and change over time, goals may change, and life hands you some random bullshit and you have to be on each others side. Marriage is adulting in tandem. It’s getting through the drudgery of life hand in hand.
That intensity of first love does die down, and I say thank god for that. Being in love (or infatuation) is being high on brain chemicals with all the peaks and crashes. It is EXHAUSTING. What takes its place is something deeper and something to treasure.
"Marriage is adulting in tandem". I love that - it is so true. You have to be an adult for marriage to work and perhaps that is part of the problem. Too many people are reluctant to grow up.
I get it! Being an adult kind of sucks! But you have to eventually. It’s easier with a friend ❤️
Outstanding comment!!!
Met my true love at 16, dated, broke up, found each other again. Married at 27, now we're 47 and about to celebrate our 20th anniversary. Marrying my husband is the single best decision I ever made. And also the only decision I ever made completely with my heart, not my head. On paper, he was nothing much - worked as a butcher, drove a dry cleaning van. And I was a self obsessed girlboss feminist with all the credentials. But inside I just knew.
And you know what, none of that checklist stuff matters at all. He is one of the wisest, most loyal, smart, funny, handsome, hardworking people I know. He is spiritually wise. An excellent father. Our marriage has made us both better people. It has required sacrifice. All the best things in life do. My only regret is that we didn't marry younger, and have more children, both of which are primarily on me.
Real love does exist, it does. Do not give up. You can find it. It is worth working for and fighting for.
What a wonderful story! Makes me realise that there is still women out there that don’t have ridiculous expectations of what men are and should be!👏
Great post. I am 80 and just celebrated 55 years of marriage to one woman. My parents divorced after 25 years together and I was sent away in religious residential high school & college for 5.5 years. I was devastated and promised J would never put my kids through that. I decided at 14 I would not marry until I was 25(my peers were marrying out of high school), graduate from college, have a job and never divorce. My wife and I still had our virginity when we married after 2.5 years of dating. We went from nothing with borrowed & Salvation Army furniture in a small apartment. During that time my wife finished college. My marketing career led to a owning a successful business that allowed us a beautiful suburban home, Lincoln Mark IV and travel to Rome Italy. In time the economy failed in America during the oil crisis. This took our assets, home, car and cash. We faced the bankruptcy court together left with nothing to start over. We lived on my wife’s teacher salary while I struggled to find another marketing job. We lived in a used mobile home on my wife’s family’s farm. Two boys later we found a new life together bound my love. The following years life delivered awesome opportunities, income, success and some more failure. While kids now and improving economy, our careers grew and life was for the most part good but always together. Some bumps that required counseling, forgiveness and adjustment but we were always together. “For better or for worse” Now retired in Florida living in a beautiful destination RV, we are together, debt free and can do what we wish. From September 2022-24, I spend 60+ days in hospital and my wife was right by my side everyday. Just as we promised each other years ago “in sickness and health”. Today we love each other more that we have ever dreamed possible. We travel, we see our children & grand children, serve to community & church together. We love and we are loved. Yes, old fashioned love is real, solid and secure if you keep feeding it. One thing we have found is “the relationship is more important than being right.” I found my soul mate from God and you can as well.
This is an incredible story, and a testament to your strength and love. I love the part about that you need to keep "feeding it." It's so true, you can't get lazy
🥹 congratulations on having such a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing sir.
I used to be teenage romantic.
Then experimented with being a New Romantic (when I had back comb-able hair). Then I became a disappointed romantic, and I am certain I have been a desperate romantic in my day, too.
Now I am a defiant romantic.
I'm 54 - I have been, and always will be, romantic. It's not just possible: it's necessary. Cynicism isn't sophisticated or a good look. And it certainly isn't loveable.
Christopher Booth, how I agree! "Cynicism isn't sophisticated or a good look. And it certainly isn't loveable." This is the core of all this mess. In my own Substack, I share the DISASTER for me, of the sexual revolution of the 1960's and 1970s. This is for both young women and young men. Jumping into bed with strangers, NOT A GOOD IDEA. I went through it and survived it and it adversely affected my life. The least of the problems are STD's and unplanned pregnancy. Broken hearts breed cynicism. You get mean and cold inside and it colors your vision of fellow human beings. I can tell you, being lonely when you are an Elder, not fun. I have my wonderful church and my deep faith in God and His Son. You made an excellent point about being cynical! WEW
Thank you, Wendy. All shall be well.
I think the other thing going on here is the density of porn in modern life, and the 'celebration' of the explicit as art of some kind, makes romance seem naive somehow if not unattainable. It's hard to find the poetry in intimacy if your face is being rubbed it it, as it were, and your eyelids have been removed.
This love is real! As a young married (30 now, married at 24), it is very much real. I gave up “independence” and doing whatever I wanted for the commitment of marriage and three little kids and I would never go back. It’s hard and beautiful and worth fighting for. Your advice is very good…basically, stop being ‘cool’ and disillusioned and disenchanted. BE enchanted. Be a romantic. Read the poetry. Risk getting hurt. Admit that we very much need each other, contrary to so many of the messages we get from the culture. Die to yourself. Gain a whole lot more.
I could say more but anyway, this made me cry. Keep doing what you’re doing. ❤️
I have been thinking about this "Die to yourself. Gain a whole lot more," comment for the past few days since I read it, honestly. I grew up religious (Christian), left religion, and am again building up my belief system piece by piece. I now understand what the Bible and other spiritual texts mean by dying to yourself and surrendering to something bigger. As a kid and young adult it sounded terrible. As a married woman it is the most wonderful experience, and is way better than being on your own and just thinking about yourself. Maybe them spiritual traditions did have a lot to say, actually.
I went to chapel every day at school and was bored senseless. Later in life, I am reading some basic Christian texts and realising that to date, I have been trying to operate life without having looked at the manual.
Whoa....
Beautifully written, Jessica.
It makes me cry too.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts.
Love this so much.
As a millennial with divorced parents (and boy was that divorce messy), I can attest that for my whole life people have been warning me that love is “hard” that I would loose all my freedoms, and I would have to “work for it”.
Almost no one has ever told me that marriage/partnership good and worth looking forward to. And yet now many in the older generation are perplexed as to why I’m single in my mid thirties! They all told me it would be terrible and that I should focus on my career! Why moan at me for listening to their advice?!
Sorry to hear of your family experience. It is heartbreaking that there are so many people in your situation. Other people's advice may be well intended, but only you can really decide what's right for you. I spent my twenties unsuccessfully searching for love, then made the decision to stop searching so that love could find me. It was like a switch had flipped and suddenly I was more alive than before and I believed and trusted I was worthy of someone else's love, but not reliant upon it. Then I met my now-husband and best friend of 22 years and it became hard to remember the person I was before.
I had this experience too... you stop looking and just find yourself. And wham, you run right into it.
🥰
I believe God has someone for everyone. Stay focused on what you desire in a mate and stay alert. For years I dated not to get married. Every time my girl friend turned serious I moved on until…Miriam who taught me to love and still does until this day. Thank you for response. Yes, I was 25 when I got married.
Hunter S. Thompson once said: "Anything that gets your heart racing is probably worth doing." It's one of my favorite quotations because it applies to basically all aspects of life - especially to love. Open up your heart to it, look out for that person that gets your heart racing. This person IS out there.
I know it's incredibly, incredibly hard. The cultural climate, the frustration of Tinder, the digitization of formerly real spaces, the general risk-averseness... It is tough for Gen Z but I would argue also for millenials/Gen Y, maybe even Gen X. The current societal outlook on love has just turned so bleak and anti-romantic, it affects dating for people across the generations (think: mid-thirty guy/woman, maybe recently divorced/separated, who wants to find a new partner... It's tough).
Don't despair and be patient. Search for like-minded people. Be patient. It will come.
About two weeks after our wedding, we went to a friend's party. Everything had changed. We listened to others talking about their love lives, some people were there with new dates, others were bemoaning being single - and we both remember an amazing feeling as we travelled home afterwards... that all that was over for us now. Whatever happened, we would now always have each other, for the rest of our lives. And that is true freedom. Six weeks after we started going out, we got engaged; eight months later we got married. Nearly thirty years on, that holds true - and we must have done something right... neither of our two children, now in their mid-twenties, has ever been on a dating app. They cringe at the thought. Long live love.
Wow, congratulations ❤️❤️ I can't agree more, what others may perceive as "chains" is actually a bedrock of stability, aka true freedom. Your kids have a wonderful example. How did you show your kids what true love looked like in this digital age?
Thank you so much. I think we tried hard to keep them in the real world as much as possible - they didn't watch TV at all until they were 4 or 5 years old, they played a lot outside with us and with each other, neither ever had a TV in the bedroom (they still don't - and they are adults), we had a table top computer for them to take turns in using until they were around fourteen years old, and we were lucky.... they were just on the crest, at the very front of the social media age. Neither had any social media until they were in their mid-teens, and we never allowed phones at the table or in the living room when we were all there together. We have also continually emphasised the difference between the real world and the online world - and the importance of face-to-face human interaction with people of all ages and stages. All of us now use technology as a tool, not as a substitute for a life. It's hard to navigate, but you have to start laying the foundations early - long before any of this can become an issue.
Thank you. Very helpful
Dating app is a tool. It all depends how you use it. Ourselves and 4 friends got married through tinder. Some already have kids. Nothing wrong with dating apps. Blame the user.
Marriage is worth believing in 😎💯
Sacrificial love is required to keep a marriage alive for decades to come!
I have found this kind of love, and we always say that we are happy to be setting an example of true, deep healthy love for others (and our kids when we have them!). It took us both a lot of tries and heartbreak, and we wouldn't change our journeys for the world.
Excellent article, Freya. Thank you for writing so honestly.
As a 72 year old who recently celebrated a 44th wedding anniversary with my first (and only) wife, I agree completely with the sentiments you express.
Of course love exists! We all feel it one way or another every day.
I feel Hollywood can be held accountable for giving my parent's generation - and mine, too, I think - the idea that somewhere out there is a perfect match for each of us. There isn't. Most obviously because none of us are perfect ourselves.
And so I believe that people have become too frightened of the risk of being hurt if they commit to a relationship and their partner then lets them down.
Of course, I've known lots of people who got divorced including my own parents when I was 15 years old which had a big effect on me, as you can imagine. It never put me off the idea of love and marriage though but, rather, it made me think more about the need to accept people as they are and not think that they would - or even should - change to suit me. Just as they shouldn't demand that I change to suit them. It is simply the acceptance of the whole person and loving them despite the bits that you would prefer were different, always trusting them and being trustworthy oneself.
It isn't limiting; it's empowering to love someone and compromise on things to put their well being before your own. To be faithful. To always be there for them.
There is no finer feeling.
How wonderful.. and so beautifully put 👍🧡
“I guess I just think if you’re going to fall for anything in modern life it should be another person. “
Just gorgeous. 😭
Love is one of the easiest things ever if you know how to create it. Love is just living the universe, living the interconnected nature of everything, seeing self in everyone. Love is not simply a feeling. Love is what happens when we open up.
John Vervaeke once put it: „Love is reciprocal opening.“ Just open up and let love emerge, as it’s the fundamental nature of universe.
a world of infinite options and opportunities to reinvent oneself makes it harder to commit, for sure. I feel paralyzed when facing a wall of toothpaste brands in the supermarket; I can't imagine shopping for a main squeeze on tinder.